Why was everything so difficult? Why did it have to be this way for me?

I just got so upset... month after month, I would interpret every twinge, every sign... I'd let myself think that was it, and then zap... it wasn't what I was thinking. It was hard to explain the disappointment I felt, the anguish, the fear, the ache, the emptiness, the terrible longing.

If just these people, the relatives, the in-laws, don't drive me nuts. Every time they raised their eye-brows or they nudged at me, I saw the same look in their eyes; it was a look that said you failed... you blew it, didn't you? And then I tried to ignore it and act innocent when the direct question would hit me right in the face “Aren't you expecting yet?”

My answer was the same, “No, not yet; we haven't yet planned.”

Time passed; it had been more than a year, yet there was no good news forthcoming. Everyone was concerned, as to what was the reason, was something wrong with me, was something wrong with my husband. People would advise me to go to a doctor, to get myself checked, or to go to a 'Pir sahib', “koi jaddu to nahy howa hai” and what not.

Finally my husband and I decided to see a specialist. After taking a detailed history he said, “Everything in your history seems normal; just give it some time or if you don't want to take more time then both of you will have to get some tests done.” We both decided that we would go through the tests so we could get to know what the problem was.

After going through the check-ups we were told that the problem lied with my husband; he was sterile. The doctor's words came as a bomb shell; it meant I could never bear a child, couldn't go through the process of motherhood, all my dreams seemed to shatter at that single moment. We couldn't have a child of our own unless we decided to adopt one.

We decided not to tell anyone where the problem lay, we were mature enough to keep it a secret and deal with it on our own. The result was that the people around us kept blaming me. The in-laws frequently told my husband to leave me and to remarry as I was unable to give him children. One day, when my mother-in-law commented on my 'presumed' physical inability, I decided to give her the shock and reveal the secret. I had had enough and couldn't take it anymore and so told her that the problem lay with her son.

She was quiet for a while and then demanded to see the reports. Once she had seen and read the report, she changed completely; all her terrible attitude, the harsh comments were gone in an instant.

Now I am happy as we have adopted a beautiful girl for whom we are very thankful to God and, in fact, we feel blessed.

It is so strange that we always assume that the problem lies with the woman, and if it actually does the in-laws and the society are so cruel that they make her life a living hell. Their minds somehow can't absorb the fact that men can also have some kind of a problem.

It is so absurd that if the wife has some problem the husband and in-laws want their own blood, their heir and for that they want the man to remarry so they can have children of their own. On the other hand if the man has a problem, the poor wife has to bear the brunt as obviously she can't marry someone else.

It is not fair that the man should remarry just because the wife is unable to bear children. Adoption is also a way out. Those little children who have lost their parents are also looking for love.