In an exclusive interview, Justice Ifti 2.0, the Republic of Cliftonia’s Supreme Judicial shares his views with us.

As the country’s senior most judge, what is the number one item on your priority list?

Supreme Judicial Justice Ifti 2.0: Excellent question, because I am a great fan of item numbers. And as the chief of all the justices, I can assure you that many of my brother judges feel the same way. Having said that, let me tell you — keeping the current state of the country in mind — the most important thing that keeps us judges awake at night is: what are we going to do after retirement?

Should we put in an application for an extension now or shall we wait? Will we be given a government institution or an important committee to head when we can no longer bench press? Will we be placed in charge of non-uniformed accountability or will we be reduced to holding only our household staff accountable for their daily shenanigans?

A peek into the mind of the country’s leading legal expert and foremost constitutionalist

And most importantly, will we be allowed to roam around shopping malls and country clubs in our robes and wigs post-retirement? These and many such thoughts worry us while we carry out the movement for justice on a regular basis.

How important is it for a judge to be neutral?

Supreme Judicial Justice Ifti 2.0: From an excellent question to a downright insulting one! It is obvious you print journalists know nothing about the judiciary, the law, the constitution, its amendments, the Supreme Court, its members, their wigs, or even how dams are constructed. Don’t you know only animals are neutral? When you ask us to be neutral, you are asking us to behave like animals! How dare you be so irrespective!

Irrespective?

Supreme Judicial Justice Ifti 2.0: Yes, irrespective towards us! Show us some R.E.S.P.E.C.T or else we will hold you in contempt and teach you a lesson you won’t forget soon.

Mea culpa, my lord.

Supreme Judicial Justice Ifti 2.0: Mia Khalifa…you know her? Can you arrange a meeting? I’ll drop all contempt charges if you can.

No, no, your lordship, I said mea culpa… I had meant no disrespect in my question about a judge’s neutrality.

Supreme Judicial Justice Ifti 2.0: Neutrality! Neutrality! Again you call on us to act like animals… let this be my last warning to you. It is insolence such as this from ignorant civilians such as yourself that really irks true patriots like me and my brother Gen GHQ, and forces us to whip your kind into obedience.

Do you people know the immense responsibility we carry on our shoulders? Do you think it is easy to sit in a courtroom in this weather, wearing a moth-infested horsehair wig and come up with innovative, highly delusional interpretations of the constitution that have nothing to do with the spirit of the constitution and everything to do with late night WhatsApp messages?

Do you? I think not!

You loudmouth media folk think it’s all so easy, isn’t it? That passing important judgments is no more difficult than passing gas after a delicious chana-bhatura Sunday breakfast meal. Let me tell you something about the law. It is a very complicated and exhausting business. There are many difficult Latin words involved, ergo, one needs to know one’s ipsos from one’s factos, and one’s suos from one’s motos. It’s up to us to decide whether your corpus is even worth habeas-ing. In the case of so-called journalists such as you, it’s obviously not worth it, so I fail to understand what the usual hoopla when you go missing for a few days is all about.

Trying to remember all these foreign words while listening to petitioners speaking in strange, rural tongues is a very difficult ask. And sometimes even we — we who are dandruff-free, deodorised and inundated with more last minute instructions than is fair to burden any mortal with — get confused and commit errors.

But luckily, we are not in the business of issuing rulings that can be used as precedents and are given ample opportunities to change our minds and rectify our mistakes depending on the occasion and the orders received for that occasion. So that justice is not only done but is seen to be done.

Justice Thurgood Marshall once said…

Supreme Judicial Justice Ifti 2.0: Who?

Justice Dorab Patel believed that…

Supreme Judicial Justice Ifti 2.0: Who? What are you talking about?

Never mind, any renowned legal minds who have influenced your lordship over the course of his career?

Supreme Judicial Justice Ifti 2.0: Of course! Among judges, my greatest inspiration has always been Judge Dredd. And among lawyers, I’m a big fan of Vinny Gambini and Elle Woods.

Farid Alvie was born. He currently lives.

He tweets @faridalvie

Published in Dawn, EOS, August 7th, 2022