here is a quiet, dialogue-less moment in the fourth issue of The Old Guard comics, where the immortal Andromache of Scythia (played in the movie by Charlize Theron) nicknamed Andy, falls in love with a normal man named Achilles, a black West Indian forced into slavery who fought to win his freedom in the American Revolution.

Fleeing to London, starving, then shipped off to Australia with prisoners to become the first of the bandit bushrangers, Achilles’ life is a story of hard times and the desperation to live. He was 30 when Andy — at the time a bounty hunter — fell in love with him.

In a span of four simple panels, we see Achilles grow old while Andy stays the same age; the two live a simple, contented life and Achilles, showing wisdom, never asks why she isn’t aging like him. Before he dies, Achilles forces Andy out of the house because he knows that she, being an immortal, must move on.

These few pages of the comic have more story, emotional depth and gravity than the entirety of The Old Guard 2.

To make a bland, meaningless movie of the magnitude of The Old Guard 2 requires commitment from every department

The first Old Guard’s review in Icon opined that the film deserves “a sequel sooner rather than later.” While that film did “whip up a concoction that’s easy to enjoy” — again, words from the review — this one is a concoction gone bad. Not one ingredient sticks in the recipe, on the screen and, one gathers, on the script’s pages as well.

Written by Greg Rucka and Sarah L. Walker — Rucka is also the writer of the last part, and the creator and writer of the comics — the screenplay expands the story into directions every bland blockbuster has gone before: every which way, with little purpose.

One needs just see the badly Photoshopped poster — where every character is posing in a direction away from their enemies — to realise the aimlessness of the story. Note Charlize Theron’s pose and expression and ask yourself: why would I watch this film, even if it is free (technically, being a part of Netflix’s subscription), when even the people in the poster don’t look as if they care.

In the story, Uma Thurman is Discord, the first immortal who brandishes a Katana like her character in Kill Bill, and whose brief screen time — and an utter lack of sincere and effective characterisation — shows us that she is up to no good.

Discord has stolen secret documents of the immortals, and Nile (KiKi Layne), the new recruit to Andy’s gang and the last immortal, plays a huge part in the meagre story that leads to a sequel. Most of the film is scenes of conversation that fail to grasp one’s interest in what the characters are saying, while most of the action sequences fail to stir up any enthusiasm.

One can blame the failures on the directionless approach of actor-turned-dir­ector Victoria Mahoney. However, that wouldn’t be fair. To make a bland, meaningless movie of this magnitude req­uires commitment from every department.

Even though the film ends on a cliff-hanger that takes you directly to part three, most people will involuntarily scream: please do not make a sequel!g

Streaming on Netflix, The Old Guard 2 is rated suitable for audiences aged 18 and older. Irrespective of age, one should avoid it

Published in Dawn, ICON, July 20th, 2025