Assalamualaikum Auntie,
I am a 25-year-old girl. A boy proposed to me recently and, after getting satisfied by the answers and assurances he gave to my marriage-related questions, I committed to him. He has been deeply respectful all along. Last year, our families visited each other. Both parties involved approved of the union, except my father.

My father refused to give any reason for his rejection. The boy offered to fulfil any demand that my father makes, but that didn’t work. The boy has pleaded to me to contract a court marriage with him and that he will take full responsibility for me.

Meanwhile, my father has beaten me because I have refused to end contact with the boy. He has been threatening to kill me. He repeatedly says that I am too young and, thus, he must make decisions for me and I must obey — although previous partners chosen by him for my elder sisters turned out to be horrendous mistakes that he sometimes regrets.

On the other hand, the boy’s family has been very supportive. They don’t have much of a problem with court marriage, if their son is happy that way.

‘Should I Marry Against My Violent Father’s Will?’

There’s nobody who can influence my father. He is used to being stubborn and using force on the women of his house to impose his will. Shall I take the extreme step of court marriage?
Scared and Confused

Dear Scared and Confused, 
You are 25 years old. You’ve reached an age where the law gives you the right to make decisions about your life, especially marriage. And yet, in our society, many women are still treated as if they are property that is passed from father to husband. Also, your father beating you up is not his way of showing concern or love. It’s abuse, plain and simple. No father, no matter how respected in society or how powerful he is at home, has the right to do this.

You’ve done the right things. You waited for your family’s approval. You didn’t run off behind their back. The boy’s family has met yours. They came with a rishta [proposal]. Your family even visited them. Everyone agreed, except your father.

As for the boy, all I want to say is that, in our society, most men disappear at the first sign of “family issues”, but this one has stood by you for two years and his family is on his side — a family that is willing to accept a court marriage which, let’s be honest, many Pakistani families wouldn’t tolerate.

I have my reservations about court marriage. It is seen as an act of rebellion. It will also create a rift in your family, at least for the short term. You’ll have to face questions and could also be cut off by your family. But it is a path that many people have taken… usually because they were given no other option.

However, I would advise you not to act in haste. Make sure you are safe. Is there a friend, a cousin or other relative who can quietly support you if needed? Can you speak to a lawyer or rights organisation to help you understand what steps are needed for court marriage and what protections are available? You need to protect yourself first.

Remember that you are not doing anything wrong. Wanting to marry someone you trust, who has been respectful to you and your family, is not a sin. If you choose court marriage, do it with your head held high, knowing you gave your family every opportunity to do this the conventional way.

Disclaimer: If you or someone you know is in crisis and/or feeling suicidal, please go to your nearest emergency room and seek medical help immediately.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, EOS, July 6th, 2025