Hello Auntie,
I am a 34-year-old divorced girl. My mother is really worried about my second marriage. A few weeks ago, a family came to see me, liked me and chose me for their son. His mother asked for my phone number so her son and I could talk to each other. Finally, I talked to him and I realised that he was interested and affectionate towards me. We both were willing to get married. But after very few days his family changed their mind. He told me about his family’s unwillingness to go ahead with the proposal and they also had some misunderstandings about me.

According to him he was trying to clear their mind but was unable to convince them, which was quite painful for me as well as for my parents. I think that if he were really sincere with me and had emotions for me, why didn’t he convince his mother, contact me or console me? This is really painful for me, so please advise me Auntie.
Awaiting your reply!
Heartbroken

Dear Heartbroken,
What happened to you is unfortunate. However, the arranged marriage circuit is all about this. I am not discrediting the system, because it works for a lot of people and has been working for centuries, especially in societies where the community has priority over the individual. Many people do find partners through it, but chances of rejection are high if you don’t fit a certain profile.

One of the main features of the arranged marriage circuit is that others, apart from the two potential partners, are involved in taking the decision. It is not just about the guy liking you. His parents, siblings and, possibly, other relatives also have to approve of you. Love is usually not high on the priority list in an arranged deal. I call it a deal because that is what it is. In a patriarchal society, men have the upper hand — they are the prize — and so the man’s family usually goes shopping for girls. Please don’t get offended if you are a man or a rishta auntie reading this. I am not against you. This is just how the system works.

‘I was rejected after being accepted’

Potential rishtas are probably looking at a lot of other things apart from the fact that you and their son get along and became friendly. They are looking at your family’s status, your ethnic background, your age, your looks, your qualifications and yes, at your marital status too. All these aspects have an impact on life and can help people in taking practical (straight from the head) decisions. In a patriarchal society, a woman who is divorced has already been pushed to the back in the arranged marriage race. I am sorry if this sounds harsh, but I want you to be very clear about how the system works, so you don’t get emotionally attached to the next rishta that comes along. It is a very practical system, my love, and there is very little space for ‘feelings’ here. So control yourself the next time a proposal seems to be working out. Hold on to the feelings and know that it is not a done deal, till you have signed the nikahnama.

In the meantime, you might want to consider what you want to do with your life apart from waiting for a rishta. You don’t know how long the wait could be, so might as well start living and doing what (apart from being partnered) makes you happy.

You haven’t said anything about your qualifications, but you might want to start working somewhere or going back to school and upgrading your skills. While I do hope you get married and find long lasting love, this is the time to focus on yourself and be your own cheerleader. You were made for much more than dolling up and getting ‘picked’ by a boy’s mother. So start working on empowering yourself instead of waiting around for someone to come along and ‘accept’ you. If love and marriage happen, that’s great. However, none of us can look in the future and know where life is headed, so make yourself and your present the best it can be, by doing what you can in this moment to better your life.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, EOS, July 26th, 2020