Dear Auntie, I got divorced a few years back. My marriage ended because my ex and I developed differences regarding religion. I am not getting any younger and my child is growing up. I have candidly told my friends, parents and acquaintances that I am open to getting married again to anyone — even if he is a divorcee. I’m also willing to be the second wife.

Unfortunately, in our society divorce is considered a taboo and a man isn’t comfortable if a girl bluntly asks him to marry her. Besides, if a woman covers her head it’s all the more difficult. A guy does not expect a hijabi to ask if he wishes to marry her.

If she’s with a child people assume she’s married. What should a woman do?

I’ve come across single men who are younger than me (I look younger than my age). Sometimes, I feel it would be unfair to the guy to even start a conversation with him. My intention is not to have an affair but to get married. I can’t trust anyone on the internet — be it a social media platform or a marriage website. I don’t even work in a place where I get to interact with men a lot. I hardly ever go anywhere without my kid. I don’t socialise with unmarried girls. My parents have made peace with my situation and don’t talk about my divorce with a lot of people. And now I feel I need to get married. After all it is sunnah.

Help!

Single

Dear Single,

Remarrying is just one of the things that your religion advises. It also advises honesty and kindness, which it not always evident in people’s dealings. So let’s get real!

No one can tell you when love and marriage will happen for you. As for putting yourself out there in the market, so to speak — I don’t know if it works. There are plenty of single women who work in offices full of men and still don’t find a husband. You have spread the word. Now carry on with your life.

There are examples of women with children who have got married. It may not be the norm, but it is not unheard of. You don’t know what the future holds for you. However being patient and not feeling desperate will really help your cause. Also remember, a man will not necessarily make you happy. And a man married in a state of desperation is likely to make you seriously miserable.

Auntie suggests focusing on yourself, cultivating a life of your own and making yourself happy. Make friends, start working and pursue your passions, because those are the things that are in your control. Live your life without being needy and wanting a man. 

Dear Auntie,

I’m a single guy from middle-class family working in a public-private organisation. I have been in a relationship with my previous neighbour for the last three years. We both agreed to get married but the problem was that her mom wants me to get a higher-paying job. She also expects me earn more than her daughter.

Both our families know that I have been trying hard to land such a job but what if I can’t do so? I told her mother that we should get married first and that everything will eventually work out.

A couple of months ago her mother demanded that I purchase a new home for her daughter. I replied gently that it is very easy to say, but in reality it is too difficult.

Auntie, I am really disturbed by her mother’s misbehaviour. Kindly help me out. What should I do?

Boyfriend

Dear Go-places,

If you want to marry this girl, wanting to change her mother or society is not realistic. Your status matters, no matter where you live in the world. You may not like to judge people by how much they make, but you cannot stop others from doing so.

You also don’t want to do something crazy like eloping, which will likely make things worse for you and the family in the long run. I suggest that at this point you do your best to show her mom that you have a promising career ahead of you.

Think of how it works with job interviews. People who don’t have fancy degrees, have to impress with their potential. They have to seem like an attractive choice.

Next, get into action! Look for every chance to network to land a better position or job. Make it your first priority and spread the word. Work hard and be true to what you do. Her parents may want to marry her to a rich man, but they might also be willing to consider someone who looks like he is going to get far in life.

While at it, make sure you and your girlfriend are confident you are right for each other.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, Sunday Magazine, November 13th, 2016