Aitchisonia-upon-Chenab, July 12, 2026: All footballs currently being used in the World Championship of Football 2026 (WCF ’26) have been personally inspected and approved by the President and Chief Executive Officer of the International Federation of Cliftonian Ball Inspectors (IFCBI), revealed Jean-Pierre Bajwa, Senior Vice-President of IFCBI and Secretary-General of the Football Association of Cliftonia and Other Nether Regions.

“Brig (forcibly retd) Babar ‘Bobby’ Niazi has personally inspected all the balls currently in play in WCF ‘26 and has expressed deep satisfaction at how well they handle,” said Monsieur Bajwa, at a press conference held at the Ritz Aitchisonia. The event followed the much-anticipated Group D match between St Grammaria and the Republic of Cliftonia held at the Stade de Bunny Gala.

Known as ‘The Greatest Show On Earth’, the football spectacle has drawn teams from across the globe. Billions of souls, including farm animals, tune in every day to watch their teams play. Superstars from Asia, Europe, South America, Africa, Australia and even New Jersey, have assembled in Cliftonia to showcase their wares at this premier celebrity event.

In an exclusive interview held on the sidelines of the press conference, Monsieur Bajwa said that the IFCBI has gone out of its way to make this event the freest, fairest and the most welcoming world football championship ever held in the history of world football championships.

Visa snags, impossible logistics, missing kits and overzealous security are no match for the Republic’s hospitality

“We have made sure every single member of every single team is made to feel right at home in Cliftonia,” said Monsiuer Bajwa. “We have gone out of our way to provide all the teams, their support staff, as well as visiting international media personnel, with all the facilities they can possibly require and desire. This event has successfully shown the world who we truly are as a nation.”

When asked why the manager of St Grammaria was unhappy with where they were being forced to stay, Monsieur Bajwa said that that team had always had issues with their accommodation and are known to be the biggest crybabies in world sport.

“I am not worried about you media folk siding with the Grammarians because you have no clue who you are dealing with,” he said. “All their matches have been scheduled for their own convenience in the canton of Aitchisonia-upon-Chenab. All we have asked them to do is to book their hotel rooms in Lagos and commute every day before their game.

“Their support staff have been housed in Osaka, where the Japanese Football Association has been very kind in providing us with a 30.5 percent discount on their daily B&B rates. In case any of the players need to see their physio or medical staff due to injury, all they need to do is travel 8-10 hours and meet them at the departure lounge of any airport located in a friendly country,” he said.

Monsieur Bajwa also dismissed rumours regarding the missing football kit of the Venezuelan team. “It is a total lie and a falsehood. The uniforms — shirts, shorts, socks, jockstraps — of the Venezuelan team have arrived and are being worn with pride by their players. Unfortunately, the team’s shoes have not arrived, as they were not issued playing visas by the Cliftonian State Department. This is beyond the control of the IFCBI, as we were told that the shoes chosen by the Venezuelans breached all security protocols.

“I do not see what the big deal is since we, out of the kindness of our hearts, provided them with five pairs of flip-flops and seven pairs of blue suede shoes. If they were real athletes, they would have no issues playing with the gifts provided. But, as we had suspected, their whining gave them away and they turned out to be nothing but shifty immigrants.”

He also said that the senior manager, coach, assistant coach and physio of the Korean team have finally been issued visas. The officials are, therefore, welcome to come to Cliftonia, now that their team has been eliminated and is back home in Seoul. “Whether it’s people or shoes, whoever does not pass our security criteria, does not get to come to the world cup,” he asserted. “This is because our courageous leader, the Doland, has personally tasked us with ensuring the safety and security of our glorious land. Nothing is more sacrosanct to him than avenging a personal slight and, if that includes denying people visas and ruining their sporting careers, then so be it,” added Monsieur Bajwa.

“This mega global event has amply demonstrated to every football fan in the world, winning is everything, regardless of how it’s done. Targeting players and officials, harassing them at media conferences, denying them fair play on and off the field, threatening them and their careers, all these and more is what this real, manly, macho sporting competition is all about. This world cup personifies the Doland in more ways than you can imagine… and history will always remember that… I guarantee it!”

Farid Alvie was born. He currently lives.

He’s on Instagram @faridalvie

Published in Dawn, EOS, July 12th, 2026