Lately Janoo has become very vocalist, I’m sorry to say. I say one small thing even and he flies off the bangle. Like he was a rott whiner or something.

Yesterday when I said to him kay it’s high times we got a new car because ours is a Corolla and everyone who’s everyone has either a BMW or an Oddy. I’m so ashamed, honestly, arriving at khaata peeta dinners and parking our chhakra next to  their limoscenes. I feel like a poor relly you know, who’s been invited because a rich cousin has khawoed pity on me and called me because they get savaabs that way.

And no matter how fancy my designer jora or how expensive my stilettos, if the other guests see me disemparking from a Corolla and that also three years old model, nothing can fix that damage. As Mother Andrews at the Convent used to say, first repressions are last repressions.

But instead of even saying kay haan I know how you feel, and I’m so sorry, you know what Janoo said to me? He said, “The country is dancing on the brink of a financial catastrophe and you are talking of buying BMWs. Have you totally lost it?” Just look at him!

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So I told him, I said chalo at least we are still dancing and doosra, there’s a trophy involved. So how bad can that be? And haan, since you’re asking, the only thing I’ve totally lost is my social standing. And that too because of you and your kanjoosrha ways. Okay?

And frankly speaking, I don’t see any economic slum anywhere because restaurants are still full to the brims and shaadis are happening dharrha dharrh. The only person I know who’s moaning is you.  

Vaisay not that I’d admit to Janoo in a thousand years but infiltration tau has gone sky high. My kitchen kharcha — even leaving aside the cook’s daily robberies — has doubled. And I’m still eating the same few things as I did before — a few avocados, zara sa Loafology ka bread and a little bit of foreign ki cheese from Hyperstar and thorrhay say nuts shuts.

Not like I’d switched to having a whole tandoori bakra for nashta, lunch and dinner every day. I’ve started calling my dry fruit wallah the jeweller because, I might as well be buying pearls and rubies, the amounts I pay for chilghozas and cashews. God knows how the poors manage. I guess they must be holding back on the pistachios and cashews. 

Yesterday, while I was coming out of Jalal Sons, a beggar woman started following me to my car saying kay please Allah kay vaastay help me and my children haven’t eaten for three days and my husband is sick and so, being the soft headed softie that I am, I gave her hundred rupees ka note and she snarled at me and said, “What am I supposed to do with this?”

I remember the good old days when Mummy and Aunty Pussy and all used to give eight annas to beggars and they’d be so grateful they’d give you hundred hundred duas. Now, I think so, if you gave them eight annas they’d give you a tight slap. Luckily I don’t think so the guvmunt makes eight annas any longer, so at least that risk is finished. 

After that Jalal Sons incident, mein tau seedhi shock mein chali gayi. And so, when Mulloo dropped in later and I told her what had happened to me, immediately she said, “Now you know what happens to your economy when you throw Khan Saab out? Happy now?”

And Janoo who was also there said, “But Mulloo the economy was already going south during the PTI government.”

“No it wasn’t!” Mulloo snapped. “Khan Saab had gone to Russia and China to meet Putin and She, so how was guvmunt going south when he was going north?

“And also let me warn you all, if this corrupt, foreign puppet guvmunt tries to put Khan Saab in jail, we will uprise. We will be so revolting, so revolting kay you’ll wish you’d never even slapped eyes on Khan Saab. So I’m warning you from now only, Khan Saab is our red line.”

“When it comes to your Khan Saab, surely you mean white line?” grinned Janoo. 

Now you see what I mean about him being vocalist?  

Moni Mohsin is a columnist and satirist and has published six books previously, including the bestselling Social Butterfly series.
She tweets at @moni_butterfly

Published in Dawn, EOS, February 12th, 2023