Hi Auntie, 
I hope you are fine. I am a 25-year-old girl who has a law degree. My issue is that my fiancé is imposing restrictions on me. He wants me to start wearing the veil and also wants me to give up the option of doing a job in the future. We share each and everything, such as social media app login IDs, except pictures, which I hate to share and he agrees happily with me on that.

I want to earn money to support my parents, but his philosophy is that a woman should not do a job and should instead manage the home and raise children. He does not want me to be subordinate to him other than the fact that he wants to earn the money and he does not want my face to be seen by someone other than him. Whenever I ask him for help, he always helps me without asking me even a single question.

We have been in a relationship since 2016 and he has never demanded things such as picture-sharing, or doing illegal and immoral activities prior to marriage. Kindly guide me because I do not want to wear the veil at any cost, nor do I want to quit the option of doing a job in the near future. But I also do not want to lose such a caring person. He is not ready to compromise with me on these conditions. Should I leave him believing that the world is full of good people and that God will do better for me?
Confused

Dear Confused
It is very important to respect how you are feeling. Your gut feel about things is there for a reason. Trust your gut. You find your fiancé’s behaviour controlling and it is likely evident to people reading this as well. The thing about veiling or not working is that if you are convinced that those are the decisions you should be making, go right ahead.

‘My fiancé wants me to wear the veil and not to work’

However, if these are things you really don’t want to do and feel like you are being forced to do them, after a while you will only end up resenting the situation. If you allow your fiancé or anyone else to control how you dress or what you do with your life, you are giving up your autonomy. And when you allow someone to control you in these ways, that person will find other ways to control you in the future.

Anyone can see that coming. If you want to wear a veil, you should absolutely do it, but only because you believe that it is the right path for you and that is what your religion and God require of you. Do not do it because your fiancé wants that from you and you want to please him.  

It is great that your fiancé helps you whenever you ask him. But this help should not be conditional. He should be helping you because he wants to and because he is your fiancé. Not because he wants you to comply with his wishes in the future.  Similarly, you also probably do a lot for him. You are not trying to appease a beast, right? You are trying to build a relationship here and, honestly, his behaviour does not bode well for the future, because it is based on outward appearance and your compliance with his wishes, and not on personal choice. 

At the same time, don’t be in a hurry to end your relationship. Give it a chance. Sit him down and have a discussion with him about this matter. Tell him that your religion does not force anyone to do anything and working a job or veiling are matters of personal choice. When the children come along you might rethink your decision about working, or think about taking the veil, but you cannot possibly know right now how you will feel about it then. Tell him that you can only consider these options when they come from within, and not when they are imposed on you.

You should also think carefully about and ask him why he is imposing these things on you. Go ahead only if you are convinced by his reasoning and logic. But if you are not, let him know. Remember, you are thinking about getting married to someone, not losing your head and the ability to think for yourself.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, EOS, March 21st, 2021