Salam Auntie, I am a teenager who has started college. The problem is that my parents think that I am still too young and that I don’t need any privacy. They promised me that in college they will allow me to have a cell phone, but now they are strictly against it. They don’t care if I scored an A1 grade, for they have their own set of rules for me. My sister got her phone in first year of college.

When I see everyone, my cousins and friends having expensive cell phones, and tablets, etc. and the fact that they are allowed to hang out whenever they want I suffer from inferiority complex.

I have talked to my parents about this, and I thought the matter was solved and they had agreed to my demand but now they are against it again. They just don’t care about my feelings. They behave as if everything is fine, but it’s not. My grades are also being affected by this. Phone-less   Dear Lessen the Burden, Please stop blaming your falling grades on the fact that you don’t have a phone. Auntie’s experience has been that having cell phones bring on bad grades, and not vice versa. Whether they give you a phone or not is totally your parents’ prerogative. They are not bound to give you a phone, the way they are bound to provide you shelter, clothing and an education.

The kind of phones young people want these days are expensive and a complete distraction from their education, (which is what should matter most at this point) and your parents may not be ready or willing to take such a risk when it comes to your studies, nor might they be willing or able to make this considerable investment at this point.

Children do not realise how hard many parents are trying to keep them focused on their studies, or how hard parents are working to keep the home fires burning. Most parents don’t tell their children about their troubles and maybe that is the case with your family too.

Would your parents be willing to let you have a phone if you raise the money for it yourself? Could you talk to them about this? Is there anything you could do to raise and save that money? Talk to them about this and you might come to a solution that makes sense to all of you. However, if they still don’t want you to have a phone, you will just have to wait it out and find other creative ways to stay in touch with your friends.

Bottom-line: They are your parents and that’s that.

Hello Auntie, I am 23 years old and have a one-year-old son. For the past 11 months I have been staying at my parents’ house, after physical abuse and an attempt at strangulation by my husband while we lived at my in-laws’ house. During this time they tried to reconcile, but on their own terms. One of their conditions was that I won’t be allowed to meet any member of my family, (I have no siblings, only parents). Now the situation is that my husband is getting married after Eid; plus he said that he won’t leave me easily and will take away my child too after seven years. In the months that I have been at my parents’ house he never paid any maintenance and child support for me or my baby, nor did I ask out of fear that he will take the child away.

I have kept the child maintenance tool in my hand for future in case he ever asks for child custody after seven years at which point I will ask for seven years of child maintenance.

I don’t know how to continue my life now. My father says that after his second nikah, we will apply for khula from my husband. What should I do after khula?

I know my parents will try to get me married again but that is something I have no intention of doing ever again in my life. I am doing my M. Phil. in Clinical Psychology and preparing for competitive exams too. I have no friends or social circle, neither am I sure about how I will carry on with my life now. At university I have to put up a complete fake face and feelings, while at home it’s different. Kindly help give some direction.

Confused and alone

Dear Get-up, You have to pick yourself up and move on from your abusive in-laws and husband. You did not put yourself in this position; however you are the only one who can help yourself get out of it. Also this is not the time to start planning how you are going to use your child to get back at your husband. You may be raging against your husband right now, and deciding never to marry again but you are just not in the right frame of mind to start planning six or seven years ahead. So much could change in the coming years, including your husband’s level of maturity and your own opinion. For now, do not waste your energy feeling angry at all that has gone wrong with your life, for that will just be a trip down a blind alley.

Your in-laws and husband were abusive, and thank God you have a choice. You have supportive parents who care for you, love you and are helping you get out of a marriage that was a big mistake.

Also while divorce may be seen as a stigma in society, that attitude hasn’t done much to quell a rising divorce rate. While divorce is not desirable, many people now have enough exposure to know that when extreme abuse (of the kind that you underwent) happens, it more than justifies leaving a marriage. There is certainly no stigma attached to what we cannot control, such as in-laws and husbands, who have serious anger management issues and think it is normal to strangle women.

You are young and you can begin an abuse-free life again. Count the things that are going for you. You are a well-educated woman and can probably soon land a job and provide well for your only child. You have parents who can help you out.

You have a roof over your head. Maybe your family does not have financial issues and can help you support your child. You are a clinical psychologist, so surely you can find also yourself a good counsellor who can help get you back on track. Look around you. There is still much to be grateful for.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, Sunday Magazine, October 5th, 2014