A Play in One Act

Scene: An assorted group of VVIPs sits around a large table in the board room. The faces present look exhausted. The last remnants of an enormous buffet can be seen atop a teak console placed against the wall. The attendees are talking amongst themselves. Every member sports a frown.

Jimmy Jirga (former State Minister for Brunch, Haberdashery and Dual National Patriotism; current State Minister for Luxury Development for Underprivileged Cliftonians Living in Penthouses): “People, people! We need to stop arguing and come to a consensus. This meeting cannot go on forever. We must realise we are all in this together no matter what our political ideology… or lack thereof.”

Justice Ifti 2.0 (Chief of the Cliftonia Judicial Supremes; collector of unaccountable funds for large unbuildable dams): “Lack thereof is also a political ideology. Just look at him.”

Gen GHQ (Chief of the Uniformed Warrior Race and the Master of All-He-Surveys-Across-Cliftonia; Founder/President of the Unaccountability Commission): “Why are you pointing at me? I have never, ever — except on numerous occasions — sided with any political ideology espoused by any espouser around this table. You should be the last one to claim any kind of neutrality…you…you… you deliverer of injustice that is not only done but is seen to be done!”

A high-level meeting convenes to discuss how to generate revenue for a bankrupt Republic of Cliftonia

National Icon & Hope Nazir Jr. (former blue-eyed boy of the good establishment; current black-eyed pea of the bad establishment; knower of everything under the sun; seller of special custom-made watches): “Can both daddies stop yelling at each other, please! It scares me when you argue like this. I can’t believe we are wasting time discussing such trivial matters when we should be focusing on my revolution and how revolting I need to be in order to regain my throne.”

Gen GHQ: “Trivial matters? The republic has no money in its coffers and our glorious saviour thinks this is a trivial matter.”

Jimmy Jirga: “We need to find a solution to our economic woes and we need to do it asap. We need to make drastic cuts in our expenses if we are to survive. We’ve heard ridiculous suggestions in the media: sanctions on imported luxury goods, cut in the defence budget, and most unrealistic of them all, asking us to actually pay our fair share of taxes! Can you imagine? Hahahahaha!”

Gen GHQ: “Hahahahahahahaha! What planet do these people live on? Asking me to pay taxes! Hahahahaha!”

Justice Ifti 2.0: “Hahahahahahahaha! Stop! My judicial sides are about to split! Hahahahahahaha!”

National Icon & Hope Nazir Jr.: “Hahahahahahaha! This is an even dumber idea than that of selecting me! Hahahahahahahahahahaha!” 

Jimmy Jirga: “Hahahahahaha! Dumb as it may be, we need to give them something that can generate revenue.”

Gen GHQ: “I have sacrificed enough and cut so much from my budget already… didn’t I get rid of all the billions in pensions we give out annually?”

Jimmy Jirga: “Yes you did but you dumped them all in my budget, didn’t you?”

Gen GHQ: “Well someone has to pay for my sacrifices.”

Justice Ifti 2.0: “And why must I pay for all my sacrifices? We both have sacrificed so much. This country owes us so much. The least you can do is pay for our sacrifices out of your budget, Jimmy.”

National Icon & Hope Nazir Jr “Yes and what about my sacrifices? I had everything: fame, fortune, babydolls! I gave it all up to become your saviour… and how does this ungrateful republic reward me? It mocks me for selling watches and takes away my right to be king!”

Jimmy Jirga: “Gentlemen, please. This is going nowhere. We need to find a solution for the sake of our beloved motherland. Let me ask you one simple question: Can you propose anything in your respective realms that can be cut or taxed?”

Gen GHQ: “Nothing.”

Justice Ifti 2.0: “Not a one.”

National Icon & Hope Nazir Jr.: “Nope.”

Jimmy Jirga: “Right then. Bashar! Oye Bashar! Come here!”

The door opens and a waiter walks in.

Bashar: “Yes sir.”

Jimmy Jirga: “Bashar, can you clear the buffet table and bring us another pitcher of mint lemonade?”

Bashar: “Yes sir.”

Jimmy Jirga: “Oh, and by the way… do you have 20 bucks I can borrow?”

Bashar: “Yes sir, of course. Here you are.”

(A nervous-looking Bashar hands over the money).

Jimmy Jirga: “It seems our problem is solved, gentlemen. The only one among us who has any money to spare is our friend Bashar. While we have tightened our belts beyond measure, Bashar is handing out cash like there’s no tomorrow! Our country is blessed with millions upon millions of such Bashars just swimming in it. It’s no wonder our forefathers have always placed the burden of our budgetary misery on the Bashars of this land.”

All shout in unison: “Proud of our forefathers! Proud of this Cliftonian tradition! Long Live Cliftonia!” Curtain.

The writer was born. He currently lives.
He tweets @faridalvie

Published in Dawn, EOS, March 5th, 2023