As a globally-warmed January ushers in the New Year — bringing a chill to our bones and a flare to our nostrils — we felt it was incumbent upon us to play our part in spreading the joy of the holiday season and share a few heart-warming and bladder-sizzling New Year’s resolutions from the leading lights of our glorious republic.

National Icon & Hope Nazir Jr., anti-status quo revolutionary, king-in-waiting, politician, mystic, saviour, and sole knower of the West: “Meray Cliftonians, 2023 is destined to become a watershed in the lives of true revolutionaries. So girdle your loins and circumambulate your underpants, for we are on the brink of glory!  

“This year I resolve to remove the shackles of my slavery. ‘Slavery and you?’ I hear you ask, shell-shocked. ‘No entity in the history of the universe could ever dare to enslave you… for you have fame, fortune, power, prestige, beautiful blonde Caucasian friends, multi-million dollar haciendas, dandruff-free hair transplants, Rayban wayfarers, a lifetime membership of the prestigious Ample Bottoms club, Mick Jagger’s home phone number, Mick Jagger’s former wife’s home number, astronomically expensive designer watches, cash received from sold astronomically expensive designer watches, great gambling skills, unparalleled wisdom, and almost 26 billion cultish followers from across the Milky Way Galaxy, so how can we believe that a gorgeous such as you can ever be in this impossible position? Is this message really coming from you or are you fake audio-leaking again?’ you wonder.

“O my naive, innocent baby dolls, let it be known that it’s a true! It’s a true that I have decided to revolute — just like your revolting selves — against the shackles of humility that have restrained me thus far from tooting my own horn.

The leading lights of Cliftonia reveal their resolutions for the New Year

“I have decided that henceforth, I shall shout from the rooftops if need be and tell the world that I am the only one it needs to set things aright… that I, who it knows as ‘The Humble One’ is actually ‘The One’ just like my friend Neo Reeves. It was I who advised Morpheus to warn Agent Smith against becoming neutral or else Neo will prove to be very dangerous.

“Therefore, this year, I will unleash myself against the forces of evil and destroy Neo and marry Trinity Khatoon and create a Naya Zion where Morpheus and Agent Smith will be jailed for their corruption!

“So believe me when I say that in 2023 I will revolute like no mortal has revoluted before. I will make sure that the world pays attention to my magnificence if it knows what’s good for it… I mean, just look at me! How can it not?”

Gen. GHQ, Supreme Commander of the Warrior Race, Master of all that needs to be surveyed, the Great Unaccountable, and the recipient of the prestigious Patriotica Ultimata de Gloria Magnifico Award by the Donald Trump Foundation For Patriotic Patriotism: “My New Year’s resolution this year is to keep to myself… always… ok, most of the time… maybe.”

Cliftonia Ali, financial consultant, editor-in-chief, activist, documentary filmmaker, fashion designer, social media influencer, anthropologist, founder of the human rights organisation RichsArePeopleToo!: “2022 was a challenging year for me personally, professionally, financially, chemically, historically and geographically. Therefore, this year my new year’s resolution is to pursue projects only within Cliftonia, where my entitlement ensures a challenge-free environment and where success lies sprawled at my feet, like a drooling, incontinent, inebriated hyena. 

“As an anti-status quo revolutionary, this year I vow to only holiday in the Far East, certain parts of South America, bits of North Africa, and in Istanbul. Oh and also Dubai Mall. I just love Dubai Mall! I don’t know why my friend Rebecca de Chandio scoffs at that city for not having any ‘culture’ — whatever that means — for she hardly ever ventures beyond their Little Cliftonia when we go there. I mean more than anyone, bling is an integral part of our culture, no? So why deny it? 

“But then as Cliftonian revoluters, if we don’t take a stand for the poors, who will? And if that means we must curtail our travel plans then so be it. Unless of course we have appointments in Toronto, London, New York, Paris or Geneva. Being white, these civilised places have already had their anti-status quo revolutions, thank God, so we don’t need to revolute for them.

“Luckily, as dual passport-holders, we know from experience that only brown (and mostly Arab countries) need anti-status quo revolutions. Progressive social thinkers such as myself frequently see the world through this kind of an unbiased, critical perspective, which we practise as ‘enlightened racism.’ We believe that all browns are equal but some browns are more equal than others.

“And on that egalitarian note, I would like to wish everyone a very joyful, blissful, and blingful 2023! Long live Cliftonia!”

Farid Alvie was born. He currently lives.
He tweets @faridalvie

Published in Dawn, EOS, January 1st, 2023