As this challenging year draws to a close, the sagacious leadership of the Republic of Cliftonia has announced a number of initiatives designed to lift the spirit of the populace, as it gets ready to usher in the New Year.

Labelled ‘Naya Cliftonia 2022’, the campaign comprises a range of changes to boost the morale of the general public, struggling with non-existent inflation. Top among them is the Republic’s new national anthem, penned by none other than the country’s popularly selected leader, National Icon & Hope Nazir Jr.

“Inspired by my intellectual mentor Gen GHQ, himself a poet of unexceptional merit, I thought there was no greater gift that I could bequeath to my subjects than our collective vision reflected in a new anthem,” explained Premier Nazir Jr.

“I can’t wait for it to be heard at sports stadiums around the world, recited at Single-Nationally-Curriculumed school assemblies every morning, and played by DJ Chico-The-Expat at Annabel’s on weekends!”

The popularly selected premier of the Republic of Cliftonia pens a new national anthem that celebrates the rich heritage of Cliftonia

Eos commiserates with the nation on this momentous occasion and shares the new national masterpiece below:

Ode To Cliftonia

(Note: Please stand while reciting these glorious verses)

Cliftonia! O Cliftonia! A home beyond land and sea,
Cliftonia! O Cliftonia! We bow our heads to thee.

Your majestic mountains touch the sky, your rivers flow so deep,
Your feudal chasms are so wide which no mortal can leap,
Your imagined past is unimaginable! We bask in all its glory,
We make it up as we go along and take pride in our story.
Cliftonia! O Cliftonia! A home beyond land and sea,
Cliftonia! O Cliftonia! We bow our heads to thee.

Your depth is so strategic, you’re blessed with enemies galore,
From the Rothschilds and errant bloggers to khooni-liberals… and more!
Your politicians are truly humble, so simple, modest and pure,
From Mayfair to Bunny Galla, they live just like the poor.
Cliftonia! O Cliftonia! A home beyond land and sea,
Cliftonia! O Cliftonia! We bow our heads to thee.

Like a loving, indulgent mother, you always refuse to see,
Our constant and blatant acts of fraud, tax-evasion and thuggery,
You fudge and you over-invoice, you spend days cooking the books,
Just so you can prove to the world that Cliftonians are no crooks.
Cliftonia! O Cliftonia! A home beyond land and sea,
Cliftonia! O Cliftonia! We bow our heads to thee.

You ask us no questions, and we tell you no lies,
That’s why Interpol can’t find us, no matter how hard it tries,
We suo and we moto, every which way we can,
To create and to destroy, to ban and to unban.
Cliftonia! O Cliftonia! A home beyond land and sea,
Cliftonia! O Cliftonia! We bow our heads to thee.

We ski in St Moritz, we bank in Geneva,
We live the kind of life that gives honest tax-payers a fever,
When we serve you, dear heart, attired in uniforms and robes,
We’re miraculously kept away from all accountability probes.
Cliftonia! O Cliftonia! A home beyond land and sea,
Cliftonia! O Cliftonia! We bow our heads to thee.

We strongly believe in standards, so strongly that we’ve got two!
One for the desperate, miserable plebs, and one for me and you,
We denounce and we decry every injustice known to man,
As long as it doesn’t cost us anything and doesn’t disrupt our plan.
Cliftonia! O Cliftonia! A home beyond land and sea,
Cliftonia! O Cliftonia! We bow our heads to thee.

It grieves our law-abiding hearts to see our blue-chip employers break the law,
Our annual bonuses mercifully act as a balm when our conscience is still raw,
Corruption is something we utterly loathe, one thing we just can’t bear,
Like U-turns and incompetence, like dharnas and extra-marital affairs.
Cliftonia! O Cliftonia! A home beyond land and sea,
Cliftonia! O Cliftonia! We bow our heads to thee.

Your impartial anchorpersons are brimful of wisdom and grace,
They know exactly who to blame even before there’s any evidence or trace,
Likewise your unbiased, patriotic Twitterati, who know everything there is to know:
Who lied and who cheated, who turned up and who didn’t show!
Cliftonia! O Cliftonia! A home beyond land and sea,
Cliftonia! O Cliftonia! We bow our heads to thee.

Where once stood tiny goths, there are now Eiffel-Towered communities,
Serving baguettes, brioche and croissants along with liberté, égalité, and fraternité,
We love setting-up JITs for every out-of-favour buffoon,
Doesn’t matter who he is, be it a Tom, Dick or Haroon.
Cliftonia! O Cliftonia! A home beyond land and sea,
Cliftonia! O Cliftonia! We bow our heads to thee.

Ah! Aitchisonia-upon-Chenab, our beloved Paris of the East!
Where all the trains are orange, and the election symbol’s a kingly beast,
We might be proud Canadians or even (St) Kittitians... but we love you the most!
For you live forever in our hearts, jigar, you’re our BFF dost!

Farid Alvie was born. He currently lives.
He tweets @faridalvie

Published in Dawn, EOS, December 19th, 2021