Continuing our focus on the Cliftonian establishment’s much-lauded efforts to curtail increasing fahascism and traitorous behavior among the wayward and the misguided, we bring you an exclusive interview with Brig Babar “Bobby” Niazi (forcibly retd), the czar-in-chief of the newly launched Ministry of Die-Hard Patriotism and Fahascist Sedition.

Eos: Thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule to grant us this interview, sir.

Him: Pleased to see you expressing your gratitude for this blessing.

Eos: Why did the state feel the need to set up this new ministry?

Him: If you cannot see the obvious reasons that necessitated the creation of this ministry, then you must either be the stupidest graduate of Stupid State University in the Kingdom of Stupidia or on the payroll of the enemies of our state. If it is the former, then do you know my elder brother Gen A.S.S. Anjum [retd] who attended the same university — Class of 1975? If the latter, then as soon as this interview ends, you will be escorted to your new permanent accommodation at the no-star Adiala Inn, located in sunny Aitchisonia-upon-Chenab. You will not pass Go. You will not collect $200.

Eos: We are deeply sorry for misquoting ourselves. What we meant to say was if you would be so kind as to share with us the wonderful ways in which your new ministry is enriching the lives of the people of our glorious land?

Him: I suspect you. I suspect you a lot. There’s something about your face. It’s your features. Only troublemakers have such thick eyebrows. And your voice … it sounds dubious, too. And I have been told your pet dachshund, Trrumpp, also looks oddly suspicious.

In an exclusive interview, the czar-in-chief of the newly launched Ministry of Die-Hard Patriotism and Fahascist Sedition talks about his plans for the Republic of Cliftonia

Eos: But..but…but…

Him: So you know the Butts, do you? I know the Butts. I know them very well. They are good, solid, patriotic folk. You just saved your skin and earned yourself a reprieve, son. Now don’t ever forget that you owe your freedom to the Butts. 

Eos: I won’t, sir. I owe the Butts everything. 

Him: Indeed you do. Did you know the slogan of our ministry was also created by a Butt? Boota Butt, the renowned Poet Laureate of the Cantonment of Grammaria … a most excellent and highly evolved intellectual, who possesses love for his land and disdain for its denizens in equal measure. He was especially requested to compose a verse that would reflect the true feelings of the patriots of Cliftonia. Says he:

“Everywhere in Cliftonia, I see gaiety and joy!
Everywhere in Cliftonia, I see my dhol-sepoy!”

Every time I hear this being hummed by paid social media trolls on the streets of Twitter, my bladder explodes with uncontrollable joy!

Eos: It is a glorious verse, indeed.

Him: Isn’t it just? 

Eos: Sir, it moves us to see you so moved… so, at this juncture, if you don’t mind us asking: How do you define patriotism and what does it mean to you?

Him: That is a very important question. As someone steeped in uniformism … in a uniform code of life … someone for whom his uniform is his second skin, I always go back to the source of all wisdom and knowledge, the illustrious founding father of our republic, Sir Field Marshall (self-appointed) Pedro Cliftovar, who lived by the credo: “A state is strengthened as much by its citizens’ regular patriotic movements as it is by their regular bowel movements.”

Eos: We must get that on a T-shirt!

Him: Yes, shall ask this to be embroidered on the backs of all uniforms issued henceforth. 

Eos: That is an excellent idea to promote patriotism around the republic.

Him: Yes it is. Our ministry is full of such wonderful ideas. Another brilliant initiative that we are currently working on is devising jail terms, fines and other fun activities for all those on social media we deem unpatriotic: Five years plus a hefty fine? … 10 years with no parole? … Weekly midnight raids conducted without warrants at randomly selected homes of suspect pseudo-lefties? Eliminating habeas corpus from the constitution for the swift implementation of jingoism? Downsizing courts in order to upsize intelligence agencies? All these are wonderful ideas that can be implemented with hardly any thinking involved. Our ministry is at the forefront of such initiatives.

You see, for me, patriotism is the highest form of worship. If one looks at the root of this word, the concept becomes crystal clear. Patriotism is derived from the Latin word patriata, meaning lift chair rising above valley. A true patriot, therefore, is one who has risen above all others by virtue of his self-entitlement and unaccountability. By the grace of God, there are very few individuals — other than me and mine — who fit that exalted description.

Farid Alvie was born. He currently lives. He tweets @faridalvie

Published in Dawn, EOS, July 4th, 2021