Scene: A large government office within the Ministry of Patriotism; at the far end is an unattractive wooden desk manned by a government official sporting an enormous moustache. He has a stack of files in an inbox tray placed on his left. He holds a Montblanc pen in his right hand. An oil painting depicting a stern-looking founder of the nation is hung on the off-white wall behind him. A row of uncomfortable plastic chairs is placed along the wall in front of him. Nervous candidates occupy the chairs. 

Government official: Next!

Nervous Candidate One, sat on the seat closest to the official, walks up to the desk; placing his notification file on the desk, he sits down. He doesn’t say anything and waits for the official to begin the conversation.

The Ministry of Patriotism issues certificates for patriotism with due diligence

Government official: Who gave you permission to sit?

Nervous Candidate One: No one. I just assumed I was supposed to take a seat since there was a seat to take.

Government official: Don’t you know when you assume, you make an ass out of you but not me? Now get out! No certificate for you … Notification is rejected! Next!

Nervous Candidate Two approaches the desk and stands, waiting for an invite to sit: Good morning, sir.

Government official: Good morning?

Nervous Candidate Two: Yes, sir?

Government official: Are we in infidel territory? Don’t you know how to salamalaik? What are you, a brown sahib? Out! No certificate for you … Notification is rejected! Next!

Nervous Candidate Three walks up to the desk and stands at attention: Asalamualaikum, sir.

Government official: Excuse me?

Nervous Candidate Three: I said Asalamualaikum, sir.

Government official: I know what you said. I heard you. From your file, I see that you are not from among us … that is, not one of our faith. Now I am all for equal rights but technically you can only say good morning to me. After all these years, you should know your place. We are equal but separate. Have you no sense of history? Leave right now before I lose my temper and you are officially accused of crossing religious boundaries. Leave! No certificate for you … Notification is rejected! Next!

Nervous Candidate Four walks up to the desk. He stands uncomfortably for a few seconds before mumbling a salam.

Government official: What was that?

Nervous Candidate Four: Asalamualaikum, sir.

Government official: Walaikumasalam.

Nervous Candidate Four: Thank you, sir.

Government official: You’re welcome. Where are you from?

Nervous Candidate Four: From Aitchisonia-upon-Chenab, sir.

Government official: What do you do for a living? I know the answer, as I have your file right here, but I want to hear it from your own traitorous lips. 

Nervous Candidate Four: I work for an NGO, sir.

Government official: How do you people live with yourselves? But since I am an impartial-air man and this is a professional organisation, I have no choice but to give you a fair chance to earn your certificate.

Nervous Candidate Four: Thank you so much, sir.

Government official: So answer me this: How many people own pet gerbils in Eastern Slovenia and can you give me their home addresses?

Nervous Candidate Four: I … I … how can anyone ... ?

Government official: Enough! Now don’t you libtards say you are not given a fair chance … Out! No certificate for you … Notification is rejected! Next!

Nervous Candidate Five approaches the desk. Trying to muster confidence, he says: Asalamualaikum, sir.

Government official: Hmmm … Walaikumasalam. So, you are in the media … electronic?

Nervous Candidate Five: No, sir. Print.

Government official: What language?

Nervous Candidate: English, sir.

Government official: Aik tau you people just boil my blood … but anyway, here’s your question: What is more detrimental to the sanctity of our glorious republic: ignoring the constitution or not prosecuting a wily politician we say is corrupt?

Nervous Candidate Five: I would say ignoring the constitution, sir.

Government official: You would give priority to saving a trivial 10-12 page booklet over catching a diabolical thief? Typical! There’s the door … out! No certificate for you … Notification is rejected! Next!

Confident Candidate One comes up to the desk, pulls back the chair and takes a seat. Lighting a cigarette, he says: Sub set hai, sir?

Government official: What was that?

Confident Candidate One: Open my file. I’m in a hurry.

Government official flips open the candidate’s file: Oh … I didn’t see.

Confident Candidate One: I thought as much.

Government official: All your papers appear to be in order. In fact, there is far more here than was required. For instance, there was no need to furnish this copy of your fake bazooka licence that we had issued you 30 years ago. No matter … Notification is accepted with pleasure! Congratulations! I’m delighted to issue you this certificate of patriotism, Haji Sufi Mullah Sahib!

Farid Alvie was born. He currently lives.
He tweets @faridalvie

Published in Dawn, EOS, October 13th, 2019