As heat, humidity and the dreaded sattu make their unwelcome presence felt in these summer months, truant teens, stray animals and hard-working investment bankers frequently find refuge in the cool environs of multiplex cinema halls across Cliftonia. Hollywood and Bollywood release their summer blockbusters and wait to see which of their offerings prove to be the season’s biggest box office draw. 

Not to be left behind, Collywood (the capital of Cliftonia’s film industry) has its own share of new titles waiting to stake their claim on the box office this summer. Eos takes a look at some of these forthcoming releases:

THE GODFATHER IV

Director: Kamran K. Kappola 

Genre: Action, Drama, Rom-Com

Cost: $100 million

Length: 15 minutes

Studio: Warner’s Brother Anjum (WBA Studios)

This action-packed short feature is a highly sophisticated offering that moves from serious drama to surreal romantic comedy as soon as it ends. The story revolves around a patriotic, revolutionary Cliftonian stock broker who wants to defy the status quo by taking his wife and daughter on holiday to Viareggio, Tuscany, rather than to San Vito lo Capo, Siciliy, where his family has owned an 11.5 million dollar benaami property since the golden development decade of the 1960s. The film focuses on the protagonist’s mental and emotional struggle against the family establishment and his deep desire to chart a new path for the average, ordinary, middle-class, dual-national Cliftonian multi-millionaire yearning for a new holiday destination.

Here’s a quirky list of Cliftonia’s own upcoming movies to hit the screens in 2019 … it’s looking to be a big year

REVENGERS: ENDGAME

Director: Brig. (retd) Bobby Kurosawa Khan

Genre: Cinema Verite, Suspense, Action, Murder Mystery

Cost: $65 billion

Length: 70+ years

Studio: 20th Century Cantt

This glorious offering is one the world’s most enduring feats of film-making. It is the story of one patriot after another putting at stake the lives of his fellow countrymen for the sake of his glorious vision. Every so often, when the evil soldiers of the dark side make an appearance and try to regain control of the battleship HMS Constitution, the uniformed forces of good unleash their magnificent powers to pummel, pulverise and vanquish the traitors using nothing but the righteousness of their cause, their honest-to-goodness intentions, their gentle bazookas and their peace-loving tanks. As the evil-doers are removed from power and honest baby dolls installed in their stead, all of Cliftonia’s true patriots breathe a sigh of relief (while cosily ensconced in Canada) and express their deepest gratitude to the revengers for once again ending that dastardly sham of a game.

LAWRENCEPUR OF ARABIA

Director: National icon and hope Nazir Jr.

Genre: Docu-drama, farce

Cost: $6 billion

Length: 90 minutes… no, 100 minutes… no, six months… no, no, we can’t decide yet!

Studio: His Master’s Voices (HMV Studios)

This excellent documentary drama is being touted as Cliftonia’s official entry to next year’s Oscars. It follows the mission of a patriotic, wise, humble and highly astute political leader as he treads the path charted by T.E. Lawrence and tries to seek fame and fortune in the deserts of Arabia. As our hero moves (shoelessly) from capital to capital, meeting dignitaries, shaking hands, delivering sermons on the deviousness and untrustworthiness of his own countrymen, we see him borrowing money wherever he goes. The film ends with him staying true to all the promises he made to his constituents … just like T. E. Lawrence. 

RAIDERS OF THE LOST PARK

Director: Baron M. Riaz

Genre: Action, Adventure, Tragedy

Cost: $3 billion and counting

Length: 180 minutes (with 12 legally-enforced intermissions)

Studio: Bill and Malinga Gated Community Foundation (BMGCF Studios)

In his quest to discover, restore and preserve the rich heritage of his republic, a patriotic anthropologist-turned-business tycoon roams his land clearing unwanted debris and detritus in the shape of goths and their unattractive denizens and replacing them with clean, orderly gated communities and their fragrant and dandruff-free inhabitants.

He sincerely believes that as a die-hard philanthropic nationalist, it is the least he can do for his country and its people. Diabolical NGO workers, journalists and even some members of the judiciary — funded and financed from abroad by his country’s arch enemies — try their best to stop his march from bringing luxury villas, penthouses, malls, upscale restaurants, golf courses, five-star hotels and country clubs to his land but his singular resolve to serve the average, ordinary, middle-class, dual-national Cliftonian multi-millionaires and their affluent yet humble families and provide them with the best facilities that others’ money can buy is too strong for any federal or provincial regulation or law to come in his way. 

“Gentrification has never been filmed this beautifully nor has it ever been more heroic,” remarked Donald J. Drumpf, the New York Times’ film critic at a recently-held pre-release screening.

Farid Alvie was born. He currently lives.
He tweets @faridalvie

Published in Dawn, EOS, June 23rd, 2019