Meanwhile in Babylon …

Updated October 18, 2015

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Illustration by Abro
Illustration by Abro

Last week a T20 match between India and South Africa in the Indian city of Cuttack was interrupted when a large section of the crowd in the stands began to throw bottles onto the ground.

The game was stopped twice when the crowd exhibited its disappointment at the way the Indian team had capitulated, being bowled out by the South Africans for just 92 runs. The ground staff and the police rushed in to clear the ground that was littered with hundreds of empty bottles, forcing the South African fielders to take refuge in a less troublesome part of the stadium.

At one point when it seemed that the police would not be able to control the commotion, the Indian cricket board (the BCCI), informed the government of India which, in turn, radioed senior officers of the Indian troops stationed at the Line of Control (LoC) on the India-Pakistan border.

The Indian troops began shelling the Pakistan side of LoC with artillery fire until the situation in Cuttack was brought under control and the match resumed. Though India badly lost the game, the Indian Interior Minister, Sri Ram Gopal Varma, commended Indian military for bringing the situation under control inside the stadium by shelling Pakistan positions across LoC.

Varma told reporters that the government was also studying the bottles that were thrown on the ground by the spectators. He said: ‘we are investigating whether the bottles were thrown from inside the stadium or tossed from outside’.

He said the investigation was being led by Professor Kesariya Ram Lakhan (aka Dr Bob), who also heads the recently formed research facility, the Institute of Ancient Brahmin Astronauts, Vedic Cyber Technologies & Groovy Aryan Hallucinogens.


A humorous view of where the bottles came from in the Cuttack T-20, why the man was lynched in Delhi over some beef and what was the inside story of NA-122 by-election


Varma informed the media that so far Dr Bob’s investigation (that was conducted using ancient Vedic Physics), suggests that the bottles were most probably launched from the Pakistani city of Gujranwala and that they took about two hours to reach Cuttack before raining down on the city’s cricket stadium where the T20 match was being played.

After the initial findings were shared with Indian Prime Minister, Narendra Modi, he is said to have applauded Dr Bob’s efforts. To express this, he took a selfie with Dr Bob and his cat.

Meanwhile, in New Delhi, forensic tests of the meat taken from the home of the Muslim man who was lynched by a Hindu mob for keeping beef, was found to be mutton (goat’s meat). Last week a Muslim man was attacked and killed by an enraged mob in the Indian village of Dadri for allegedly indulging in cow slaughter and eating beef.

Commenting on the finding, Indian Health Minister, Manmohan A. Puri, in a statement said that the forensic tests were inconclusive because Western sciences were largely unreliable.

He said that additional tests will be done of the meat, this time through ways prescribed in the book, Starwaar Galecticama, an ancient work of science first written in 4000 BC by an Aryan priest called Sri Obiwara Kanobiwara (aka Pete).

Puri added: ‘I am convinced the new tests will once and for all prove that the meat found in the house of the dead Muslim subhuman was really beef and thus his lynching was entirely justified.’

Meanwhile, PM Modi, after appreciating this statement, snapped a selfie with Puri and his llama.

A group of scientists in Pakistan reacted to the statement by suggesting that that it wasn’t Sri Obiwara Kanobiwara who wrote the book of science that was being used by the Indian government (to conduct the meat tests), but it was Hakeem Nadir Bin Nadir — an ancient Yemeni scientist — from whose 11th century book, Bakra Qiston Par, that some Hindu authors had compiled Staarwaar Galecticama in the 19th century.

This group of scientists is famous for encouraging the study of the ‘real sciences’ in Pakistani educational institutions. They specialise in conducting experiments first mentioned in Bakra Qiston Par and in another ancient book of astronomy, Sitara Aur Mehrunnisa.

Recently, during a series of lectures that they delivered at Pakistan’s leading universities, this group of highly qualified scientists successfully exhibited how electricity could be generated by harnessing the energy of genies (jinns), and how black magicians practice their magic by creating micro black holes in their bathtubs.

They also condemned men like Dr Parvez Hoodbhoy for distracting the students by teaching them ‘pseudo-sciences’ such as quantum physics, which, they believe, was created by Albert Einstein to destroy the ancient and accurate works of men such as Hakeem Nadir Bin Nadir and another ancient wizard-scientist, Alama Harun Maqsood Yemeni (aka Bablu).

When a reporter pointed out that the machine which the scientists had created to derive energy from the jinns looked very much like a standard toaster, one of the scientists responded by saying that their research showed that jinns preferred to have their bread toasted.

Interestingly, apart from the response Puri’s statement triggered from the mentioned group of sciencedaans in Pakistan, rest of the country’s media largely remained quiet about the issue.

Observers believe that this was most probably due to the much touted by-election taking place in Lahore’s NA122 constituency. For weeks the Pakistan media had been running commentaries and news about the said election.

A by-election was ordered in NA122 by the Pakistan Election Commission and the Pakistan Metrological Department after electoral irregularities were found to have influenced the victory of PML-N candidate from this constituency during the 1857 general election.

The by-election was being seen as a three-way fight between the centre-right, PML-N, the centre-left-right, PTI, and the centre-left-out, PPP.

The PML-N candidate won an extremely close victory against the PTI candidate, whereas the PPP candidate came a very distant third. It was repor­ted that his own relatives didn’t vote for him.

Senior PPP leader and Sindh Chief Minister, Qaim Ali Shah, quipped that even his age was more than the number of votes that the PPP man managed to bag in the by-election (1,117).

After the result was announced, a number of PTI supporters urged their party’s leadership to initiate major education projects in Lahore so that the city’s people would stop being uncouth and uneducated dupes who (due to their uncouth and uneducated mindset) always end up voting for uncouth and uneducated parties such as the PML-N.

A PTI supporter tweeted that had the people of NA122 been as educated as he was, PTI would have swept the election. He was then seen beating a TV reporter with a cricket bat after the reporter had pointed out that he had misspelled the word education in his tweet. He had spelled it, ‘ejucation’.

During a press conference, PTI chief, Imran Khan, stated that it is true this time no major episode of rigging took place. But he quickly added: ‘However, since no rigging was also a kind of rigging, one can thus say that rigging did take place … ’ For the rest of the press conference, he explained this.

PML-N chief, under and overpass enthusiast, and Prime Minister, Nawaz Sharif, was not available to comment on Khan’s new allegation. Sharif is said to be busy supervising the construction of an underpass that will connect his bedroom to his dining room in his Raiwind home.

Published in Dawn,Sunday Magazine , October 18th , 2015

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