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Furry Factoid #1: Muslims walked on the moon centuries before the Americans did.

How ironic it is that for decades Muslim children have been taught that it was an American astronaut, Neil Armstrong, who was the first man to walk on the moon (in 1969).

Though Armstrong did walk on the moon, he was NOT the first man to do so. Surprised? Of course you are, because after all we have been taught history written by biased Orientalists.

We have forgotten that it was actually a Muslim warrior, Muhammad Bin Qasim, who was the first man to walk on the moon. And he did so in the 8th century AD!

Just before he conquered Sindh in the subcontinent, Qasim was a young camel expert and amateur astronomer (all before he turned five). At age 15, he succeeded in breeding a special kind of Arab camel that could run faster than the speed of light and also fly.

Qasim then told the governor of Baghdad that he was ready to conquer not only the whole world but the moon too. However, the governor was a tad short-sighted and wanted him to stick to just conquering Sindh.

Qasim blasted his camel and men towards Sindh, but overshot it by, say, a few million miles, and ended up on the surface of the moon.

Being a wily astronomer, he had also invented the world’s first ever astronaut suit and helmet made from, yup, you guessed it, camel skin and bones.

Nevertheless, finding the moon to be a somewhat boring place with little gravity and all and absolutely no date palms, Qasim shot back and this time finally landed in Sindh.  Unfortunately his camel died on impact and was buried in what is today Hyderabad in the Qasim Islamic Republic of Pakistan.

After Qasim’s death (from rotten vegetarian food that he was given by Sindh’s scheming Hindus), Muslims lost all the know-how and technology invented by Captain Qasim.

Then in 1960, American CIA agents masquerading as archeologists, dug up the remains of Qasim’s camel in Hyderabad and used its skeleton to build the very rocket (Apollo 11) that took Armstrong to the moon.

Captain Qasim’s miraculous feat was all but forgotten in the mist of Orientalist history, Western propaganda and some bad hip-hop music.  Shame.

Furry Factoid #2: It was the great Mughal king, Aurangzeb, who replaced ‘Khuda-Hafiz’ with ‘Allah-Hafiz.’

It’s good to see so many Pakistani and Indian Muslims now saying ‘Allah-Hafiz’ instead of ‘Khuda-Hafiz.’

Many liberals claim that the practice of saying Allah-Hafiz was invented in the 1980s during Ziaul Haq’s regime and then gained momentum in the 1990s.

Yes, many hard-working and pious scholars, reformers, Islamic evangelists and your reborn posh aunt did a wonderful job campaigning for the eradication of the adulterated quasi-Muslim greeting of Khuda Hafiz – but the truth is, it was the greatest Mughal king, Aurangzeb Alamgir, who was the first Muslim to start saying Allah-Hafiz instead of Khuda Hafiz.

After defeating his brothers (all of whom were Khuda-Hafizians in the mould of the communist Mughal king, Akbar), Aurangzeb got down to correcting the wrongs done to Islam and the subcontinent’s Muslims by Akbar and other such royal wine drinkers.

‘I will crush Khuda Hafizism!’ Aurangzeb is reported to have said (in Arabic). ‘But first, I need to go to the washroom,’ he added (in Persian).

During Aurangzeb’s reign, any Muslim saying Khuda Hafiz was beheaded, and any Hindu saying Allah Hafiz was asked to behead his cow.

The practice of saying Allah Hafiz became widespread but after the tragic death of Aurangzeb at the young age of 90, Muslims reverted back to saying Khuda Hafiz. They also started to drink wine again. 

Now, some four centuries later, mashallah, we are getting back to saying the right thing: Allah-Hafiz!

This will morally cleanse our society, boost up the economy, eradicate poverty, eliminate corruption and make Pakistan win the next cricket World Cup! Yea.

Furry Factoid #3: Jinnah’s August 11 speech never said anything about Pakistan being a liberal Muslim state. He spoke about an Islamic state, something that was erased by some Khuda Hafizians after Jinnah’s death.

Ever seen how excitedly liberals keep quoting Muhammad Ali Jinnah’s speech that he made on August 11 in 1948? How he supposedly wanted religion and the state to be separate and how he saw all Muslim sects and non-Muslims of Pakistan only as Pakistanis with equal rights?

Well, they are lying. Jinnah did make that speech but its text was radically manipulated and changed by some powerful bureaucrats after Jinnah’s death.

Not any more. Here we present to you the original, unchanged contents of that portion of the speech that was drastically altered. This is the real thing: 

 “ … Indeed if you ask me, this (secularism) has been the biggest hindrance in the way of India to attain the freedom and independence and if not for this we would have been free people long, long ago. No power can hold another nation, and especially a nation of 400 million souls in subjection; nobody could have conquered you had we stuck to saying Allah-Hafiz instead of Khuda-Hafiz, and not made fun of the ulema, especially the ones with the longest beards. And even if it had happened, nobody could have continued its hold on you for any length of time, if not for this abomination called secularism! Therefore, we must learn a lesson from this. You are free; you are free to go to your mosques, you are free to go to your madressas or to any other place of worship that looks like a mosque or a madressa in this Islamic State of Pakistan. You may not belong to any religion or caste or creed other than just Islam and that has absolutely everything to do with the business of the State, dig?

Furry Factoid #4: More than American aid and money, it took raw guts to defeat the Soviet invaders in Afghanistan.

So remember all you future citizens of the international Caliphate of the Islamic Republic of the Pakistan the Afghanistan the Hindustan and the Kyrgyzstan, guts and faith will always triumph over the American Dollar just as it did over the Soviet Ruble – even though one couldn’t even buy a decent pair of socks with all those stupid Rubles.

Furry Factoid #5: We have gallons and gallons of oil and tons and tons of coal and gas in the grounds of Balochistan. We can become a rich country but only if the Baloch people stop their occupation of Balochistan.

The Pakistani state and forces have been fighting a bloody war with the occupiers of one of the richest provinces of the Islamic Republic of Pakistan: Balochistan.

This province whose grounds are rumbling with natural wealth and resources has been under the yoke and occupation of the Baloch people.

Some might ask who else this province would be under if not the Baloch people. That’s a valid point. But then do mountains, deserts or cactus have a language or ethnicity? Do oil, coal or gas? No, they don’t. But they do have a religion.

If there can be an ‘Islamic bomb,’ why can’t there be an Islamic coal mine, or an Islamic oil rig or an Islamic gas pipeline, aye? And anything Islamic must have something to do with Pakistan, right? Right.  

Thus, what does this brilliant logic make the Baloch people? It makes them invaders and occupiers!

Once they are driven out, we will drive in and become a rich country – a new Saudi Arabia! *goose bumps*

Furry Factoid #666: Suicide is haraam but only if committed for trivial matters such as a failed love affair, loss of job or loved one, mental illness, etc. However, suicide is okay if committed to obliterate kafirs or would-be-kafirs or sound-like-kafirs or semi-kafirs or kafirs-just-because-you-say-so or kafirs-just-for-the-heck-of-it and so on and so forth.  

Illustrations by Nadeem F. Paracha.

Nadeem F. Paracha is a cultural critic and senior columnist for Dawn Newspaper and Dawn.com.

The views expressed by this blogger and in the following reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of the Dawn Media Group.