If you ask me, I think so, Trump has gone mantle. Vaisay, hai tau bechara aged, despite of the fake, dyed hairs and the tangerine tan. So, it shouldn’t come as a surprise that he’s loosing his marbles, but phir bhi… Now he’s gone and degreed kay tourists can’t come into America and Pakistanis tau shouldn’t even dream about it, because he’s stopping their visas from now only.

So, Sunny’s daughter, Sasha, she’s studying at You Pen, she was supposed to come home for her holidays in May because she’s getting summers ki chhutti. But now, she’s saying kay, maybe, I should just stay puts, in case they don’t let me come back in.

She’s only in her first year and, if Trump carries on like this, she’ll have to stay full four years without coming home even once. And Sunny and Akbar won’t be able to go and visit her even because, unfortunately, their five-year visas to the US respired in January and now tau, there’s no chance of renewing. Even if they pull stings.

Oopar se, Sasha’s phuppi ka beta, with whom she had an understanding, he’s licking up a fuss in Lahore because they were supposed to have their engagement in June and now, he’s saying kay, if she doesn’t come home for it, then it’s curtains for her.

From visa hurdles to domestic troubles, Butterfly has a solution for it all. But there are no takers…

Unfortunately for Sunny and all, he’s very rich and because Akbar is up to his eyes in depths that he’s taken from banks, the rishta is, as you can imagine, super important. They tau can’t afford for this curtain to drop naa, but girl is doing zidd and it’s all becoming very delicate.

So, I said to Sunny kay, with a name like Sasha and with her fair and lovely skin and her blonde highlights, she doesn’t even look Pakistani and I’m sure she can slip out and get engaged and then return without anyone knowing in America. So, Sunny karaoed me a look and said, “She has a Pakistani passport and she can’t slip in and out of Immigration without anyone finding out.” She said it like I was a retard. Last time I help her with my advice. So ungrateful. Honestly!

Then yesterday, with a face like a graveyard, my bitter half, Janoo announced over lunch kay Pakistan is now almost topping Global Terrorism ka Index for 2025. So, I told him, “Chalo, at least it’s coming top in something.”

Vaisay, I tau blame India. When they’re not sending us smog and floods and rats, they’re sending us terrorism. Everyone knows that we ourselves are not like this. Not once have we ever done any fasaad, any khoon kharaba, even any torr phorr. It’s just not us, baba.

Meanwhiles, the prime minister’s cabinet has grown into the size of a shendi. And, Mashallah se, they’re doing such good work with so much of efficiency kay, they’ve given themselves a hefty raise.

So, when Kulchoo (he’s a feminist, naa) was moaning about how our women’s cricket team is not getting matches and is not getting paid and not getting attention, I suggested to him that, maybe, they should also join the cabinet. And where there are fifty, what difference does another 11 or even 20 make, no? Bus dil mein jaga honi chahiye.

Kulchoo also karaoed me a look and said, “They’re athletes, not politicos.” I wanted to say, neither are they, politicos I mean. But like the wise woman I am, I held my tongue. Vaisay, this is the last time I give him my advice. Sarrhial jaisa!

Aur suno: through Ramazan, the servants have totally bangrupted me. Having ten, ten cups of tea each, at both sehri and iftar, with ten, ten spoons of sugar. I think so, they were taking it intravenously. And with cheeni almost as expensive as gold, you should see my cheeni ka bills. You’d think they were a jeweller’s bills.

I told Janoo that, next year, I’m going to put everyone on Splenda. Haan. He also karaoed me a look but, for once, thanks God, he didn’t say anything. So, like Sunny and Kulchoo, him also I’m putting on my no-advice list.

I’ve come to the exclusion that giving them my advice is like feeding kheer to a chicken. They just can’t appreciate, naa. So, I said to him, “You know something? I don’t think so anyone deserves me.” He smiled and said, “Never was a truer word spoken.”

Published in Dawn, EOS, April 6th, 2025