Scene: In the middle of the stage stands an old, withered tree. A few chairs surround a large wrought iron table placed on the left side of the tree. A dimly lit lamp is perched on the table. Brig (forcibly retd) Babar ‘Bobby’ Niazi sits on a chair next to the table, busy on his mobile phone, conducting high quality research and analysis via Whatsapp messages.

A doorbell rings somewhere in the universe. 

Brig (forcibly retd) Babar ‘Bobby’ Niazi gets up from his chair to open an invisible door.

Brig (forcibly retd) Babar ‘Bobby’ Niazi: Welcome, my lord. It is good to see you.

Supreme Judicial Justice Ifti 2.0: I came as soon as I heard. Is everything okay?

Brig. (forcibly retd) Babar ‘Bobby’ Niazi: When

have things ever been okay? Some days I wish I had never come back from my ranch in Australia. Life was so peaceful there.

Samuel Beckett had nothing on this play with three of your favourite characters from The Republic

Supreme Judicial Justice Ifti 2.0: There, there now. It’s okay. I’m here. Tell me, what does he want?

Brig (forcibly retd) Babar ‘Bobby’ Niazi: Even he doesn’t know what he wants. One minute it’s one thing, the next it’s something else.

(Suddenly, he begins to sing): Anokha laadla, khelun ko maangay saand! [The pampered one, adamant in his desire for the impossible!]

My cell is full of missed calls from him… he is constantly texting me… keeps begging me for a Zoom call. I should never have given him my personal number.

Supreme Judicial Justice Ifti 2.0: But he told me he had blocked your number and that of Supreme Patriot His Martial Holiness Sir Gen GHQ.

Brig (forcibly retd) Babar ‘Bobby’ Niazi: We wish!

He is harassing the hell out of me, both at home and outside on the streets of Cliftonia. It feels like he never ever respected me. 

Supreme Judicial Justice Ifti 2.0: No, that’s not true at all, sir. It’s not that he doesn’t respect you, it’s just that he doesn’t respect anyone. Not even me, after all I’ve done for him over the years. (He begins to sob).

In a parallel universe, another doorbell rings.

Brig (forcibly retd) Babar ‘Bobby’ Niazi: Enter!

Renowned anchorperson, philanthropist, private equity consultant and, therefore, obviously, astute political analyst and historian Cliftonia Ali joins them at the table.

Brig. (forcibly retd) Babar ‘Bobby’ Niazi: What are you doing here? Is he hounding me through you now? If it’s not the IMF, it’s the real estate man! If it’s not him, then it’s someone from that other clueless, greedy lot I detest, irritating us with their requests and mock threats… and if it’s not them, it’s him! Tell him I’m not changing his soiled pampers anymore! What does he WANT?

Cliftonia Ali: What does he want? Don’t you know he is a selfless dervish and selfless dervishes who live in multimillion-dollar homes want nothing. So stop behaving like those *%&%$! pseudo libtards, and those *$#@&**! leftist hypocrites constantly spreading fake news. Such lies damage the moral fibre of our glorious nation which these ^&$%*! don’t give a !*^$ about! 

Brig (forcibly retd) Babar ‘Bobby’ Niazi: Please refrain from using such foul language. This is my home, not your Twitter account.

Cliftonia Ali: Every home is my Twitter account now, babydoll! Don’t forget: This is a revolution and as my beloved leader once said at an inquilabi [revolutionary] jalsa that you held in his honour last year: “All is war in fair and love!” 

Supreme Judicial Justice Ifti 2.0: Yes, I was there. I heard him say that. 

Brig. (forcibly retd) Babar ‘Bobby’ Niazi: You shut the $%# up, judge!

Cliftonia Ali: Hahaha! Now you’re talking!

Welcome to the club. Oye, Judicial! He just told you to “Hashtag STFU!”

Supreme Judicial Justice Ifti 2.0: How dare you! I will hold you both in contempt! I will suo your motos!

Cliftonia Ali: Suo this, you *&$%#^!!!

Supreme Judicial Justice Ifti 2.0: Shut it! Don’t force me to habeas my $%#%@ corpus!

Brig. (forcibly retd) Babar ‘Bobby’ Niazi: Enough! Enough already! Don’t sully my home with your odious tongues. 

He walks across to the table, pours an invisible cup of tea, picks it up and throws it towards Cliftonia Ali.

Here. Have some tea as a peace offering.

Cliftonia Ali falls to her knees. Picks up the invisible teacup off the floor and starts to drink.

Now tell me what does that perpetual frat-boy septuagenarian really want?

Cliftonia Ali: He says he just wants peace: a piece of you, a piece of him, and a piece of everyone who won’t stand with him while he revolutes. He believes a real revolution is like a drug: you can either snort it or smoke it; he says he knows for sure since he has done both.

Brig. (forcibly retd) Babar ‘Bobby’ Niazi: I know, I have the videos.

Cliftonia Ali: He says beware! Nothing can stop him now… now that he is truly revolting!

(Curtain).

Farid Alvie was born. He currently lives.
He tweets @faridalvie

Published in Dawn, EOS, June 12th, 2022