Dear Auntie,
Before the pandemic, I didn’t have to interact much with my mother, but now I am home all the time and I have noticed that there is a pattern to her behaviour. I feel as though I’ll literally go crazy and do something I don’t mean to do.   

My mother is home all day and she loves to make fun of all my flaws. Be it my setbacks in education, my physical flaws, how I act and speak, how I spend my time and anything else that deviates from her definition of a perfect daughter. Whenever I try to contradict her or talk to her, she never listens. The only time she listens is when she has to present a counter argument.  

I had been diagnosed with hypertension and depression, but she made me throw away all my pills saying there are no such things and all I need to do is pray regularly. She amplifies my stress and anxiety, and makes me more self-conscious and angrier. These past few weeks, it has been getting worse. I broke a switchboard after an argument with her, then had a panic attack during another argument. But a day ago, things accelerated so much I had a breakdown. I started screaming non-stop and couldn’t stop shaking. I don’t know how to handle my mother anymore. Please help me.  
Losing Control

‘My mother loves to make fun of all my flaws’

Dear Losing Control,
If you were prescribed medication for your condition, you need to get someone’s help — ideally an elder in your family who has authority over your mother — to start taking them again. Stopping medication without a doctor’s consultation can be dangerous for your health. Please do not take this lightly.

It seems your mother’s criticism and overbearing attitude has its roots in her own image of herself. Often, when people don’t like themselves much or judge themselves too harshly, they treat others, including their own children, the same way. That doesn’t make it okay and I am only drawing your attention to this in order to help you understand what may be happening with your mom. Perhaps, she grew up with a very critical parent, and thinks that this is somehow normal.

At the same time, you should try and be a little objective about your mother. Just because your mother is saying something or giving you advice, it doesn’t automatically make what she is saying wrong. Some of her parenting skills may be questionable. She has more life experience than you. At the end of the day, she is your mother and wants the best for you, even though it may not always seem that way. So, if she advises you to connect with God or a higher being, there is merit in that advice. A number of studies have found that people with a strong belief in God were less likely to be depressed and anxious.

Also, actively fighting with your mother is not okay. I know she irks you and, unfortunately, getting a rise out of you is giving her some sort of satisfaction. However, it is an unhealthy pattern. Your mother knows what triggers you and feels compelled to push that button. The only thing that you can control in this situation is your own behaviour.

I suggest you assess what it is exactly that your mother says and does that triggers you. And then stop getting triggered by it. If her criticism gets you so angry that you blow up, simply pay attention to when it is happening and stop responding. When you don’t blow up in response, she might look for other triggers. Be aware that she is trying to engage in a blow-up with you, so stop responding to those triggers. It is easier said than done and will require a lot of patience on your part.  It is important to break this negative pattern. If she criticises you, turn a deaf ear or just say, “I am sorry you think I am stupid/ fat/ ugly,” and carry on.   

You can also help your mother deal with her hurt. Give her honest praise for something she has done. Perhaps she cooked something delicious, or made an effort to dress up — be generous with your praise. This might undo some of the damage to her personality and your compliments or positive feelings may be reciprocated.

Disclaimer: If you or someone you know is in crisis and/or feeling suicidal, please go to your nearest emergency room and seek medical help immediately.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, EOS, September 12th, 2021