Dear Khala,
I have been reading you for years and wanted to trust you with my problem for a long time. Today is finally the time to speak out.

I was sexually abused as a child. And my childhood foundations were shattered by this brutal reality. I haven’t told my parents till now. And somehow, I managed to get a BS degree myself last year and now I am pursuing my passion for writing.

Even after attaining a good academic record, and honing my skills and talent in writing, I fear for my future. I have a low opinion of myself. And the reason is simple. I have not shared my story with my family. I lack a support system in my house. But I do not have the option to share my secret with anyone and, now, because I am about to get married, I have to keep it to myself.

I wonder about whether I should share this with my partner. Should I hide from him my true reality like I did with my parents? I have always feared that my mother would not be able to handle it, because she is emotionally weak and has always berated me for my mistakes. If my mother would not be able to understand me, how will my partner do so? What if he rejects me or looks down on me? What to do? How to build my strong family if my wounds are unable to heal and I have to keep on living in fear forever?

I have held myself together with much difficulty and I don’t want to get shattered once again. What should I do?
Fearful

Dear Fearful,
In an ideal world, you would be able to tell your partner and they would understand. That way, some of your burden would be relieved and life would move forward. However, the reality that became clear after the Motorway Rape Case is that we are part of a culture that shames the victim, so what you should do, is not straightforward.

‘I was sexually abused as a child’

Whether you have an understanding partner or not is not the real issue here. The real battle here is to help you rebuild your self-esteem after the trauma you have undergone, enough that you are able to find some semblance of peace within yourself. Other people and their reactions to your trauma come much later. Right now, you should make your journey to recovery from your harrowing experience a priority. And for now put a hold on any plans of marriage till you have ‘recovered’ to some degree and are able to sustain a relationship.  

So before taking any major life decision, I strongly urge you to seek professional therapy and begin working on yourself. The low opinion you have of yourself and the belief that you cannot share your secret with anyone, are all rooted in the sexual abuse that you have experienced. If you get married without dealing with it, other issues alongside your existing problems will crop up and are likely to strongly affect your marital life. Sexual abuse can have far-reaching negative repercussions on the victim’s life. So seek out the best professional help you can afford.

Are you working or do you have access to any money which you can use to pay for therapy? If you are scared to tell your parents, you might want to do this without telling them. Normally, I would not advise hiding something like this from your parents. However, in a culture where victim shaming is rampant, it might be the only way you can move forward in life.

Also therapy is not a one-shot solution. You also need to study sexual abuse and its impact and start self-monitoring alongside therapy to start the recovery process. Remember, recovery can take years, but if it can get you to a place better than where you are, it is totally worth it. Will you go back to being the way you were before abuse? Not likely. But you will be able to lessen the pain somewhat. Once you start dealing with the problem, confiding in a potential partner and even family will become easier. Or you may decide that you are okay with people not understanding your problem.

I wish you nothing but the very best in your future life.

 Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, EOS, January 3rd, 2021