Dear Auntie, 
It’s been almost six months since my parents split after years of marriage. They were an ideal couple, but a few months ago they got into a terrible fight. After that, my mother spilled every secret she was burying in her heart for a long time. After hearing what she has been through and the kind of abuse she has suffered, I am disgusted with my father. I kind of loathe him for what he did to my mother. All I can think of is what my mother went through and it is starting to make me depressed. Sometimes I feel like committing suicide. I don’t know what to do. Can you please help me? 
Down in the Dumps

Dear Miserable
You haven’t said anything about how old you are. However, parents’ divorcing is tough no matter how old you are. Right away, I would like to say one thing: try not to take sides if possible. You have only heard your mother’s side of the story and. even if it sounds like your father is the villain, fact is that you still don’t know his side of the story. Sometimes, hearing one side of the story can get us worked up and angry, till we hear what the other party has to say. And sometimes the other party has their own very good reasons (which you didn’t think of) for what happened. Warring couples are also known for deliberately turning their children against the other party to ‘get back’ at them. I am not saying that is the case with your mother and father, but it could be. So give your father the benefit of the doubt and avoid taking sides.

Try to love both your parents equally and discourage your mother from talking bad about your father to you or your siblings. If your mother needs to talk to someone about her issues with your father, it should be to a trusted adult and not to you or your siblings. By doing this she is putting negative thoughts about your father in your mind and that is not fair on you.

‘I hate my father for the way he treated my mom’

And just as you should encourage your mother to talk to others, such as her friends, a close relative or a psychiatrist, you should also talk to trusted friends and/or family about how you feel. You need to let out your feelings, so confide in trusted people, cry when you want to or journal your feelings. Do be respectful of a confidant’s time though. Sometimes he or she may not be immediately available when you need to talk.  However, be mindful of how you are feeling and be aware of your thoughts and make it a priority to get it off your chest in a healthy way whenever things become unbearable.  

The breakdown of a marriage is a difficult time for the entire family and all members are likely to be stressed out. Be patient. Some of your family members and even you may act totally out of character. When that happens, be aware of where that is coming from and curb the urge to say hurtful and mean things to your father or other family members in return. Absolutely avoid starting fights. Things said in the heat of the moment can scar people for life and right now you need to keep a stable head on your shoulders, if others in your family are unable to do so.

Your situation is rough and any destructive thoughts that you may be having are completely understandable. However, keep seeking support and taking decisions that are good for you, and you will come out stronger from this crisis. You will make it through, even if the crisis seems never-ending right now. Pain can only make you stronger, so just keep doing the right thing and keep going. 

Be kind to your siblings if you have any. Try and be the anchor for them that you would have liked for yourself. And please, please, please stay strong. People who make it through difficulties and crises often go on to become stronger, better and more understanding human beings. The world needs more people like that. Hugs.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, EOS, September 20th, 2020