A younger cousin was swiftly married at the ripe marriageable age. She promptly became the youngest mother in the family. Her devastatingly pretty looks spurred the rush to tie her down. The checkboxes were being ticked one after the other, mashallah.

On the day of the engagement I was asked by her father what I thought of the fiancé.

The best compliment I could truthfully give was, he is one lucky guy. None of us were taken by his sheer humourlessness and his very traditional family.

A sense of humour is not a joke, even in matrimony

But at least her beauty did not “go to waste,” as they say for girls. For now a spouse, albeit an ogre, looked upon it. She fulfilled her role as daughter, wife, bahu and produced one child per year of marriage.

Meanwhile, it did not take the ogre’s family much time to bare their teeth and natural disposition. Things turned more than ugly.

We were now devastated by news of what she went through.

After the worst had been negotiated, she went back to her now-softened half-ogre.

But recently she shared with me her visit to some distant in-laws. The room where they all sat was oppressed with a dry silence. The hosts seemed to find small talk a matter of rudeness rather than courtesy. My cousin left with a bad taste in her mouth and a desire to never meet more of the family. She could not feel more alienated in the family she is now associated with.

When gauging proposals, education, wealth and status most definitely outweigh having a sense of humour. What a trifling, frivolous thing to consider. Can you flash it about?

Their genealogy repelled gregariousness and humour, while her own family is sometimes more than inappropriate in never missing a chance to crack a joke. In any setting. (I’m ashamed to say, even when meant to be reading the Holy Book at a funeral. An appalling bunch, we are.)

Another addition to our family is a young man who has displayed a sense of humour that outdoes ours, in that we are left fatigued by his relentless snide remarks aimed at his wife, his sisters-in-law and various uncles in the family. A conversationalist who leaves our patience and ears battered by the time he leaves any family gathering. The fatigue from overkill sets in after he has allotted more than two jokes per family member.  And embarrassed one or the other. In the latest gathering, I had to request that he change subjects as his captive audience had been cramped under his ‘jokes’ for 40 minutes and he was absorbing all sound and energy with his voice that rose and rose.

When gauging proposals, education, wealth and status most definitely outweigh having a sense of humour. What a trifling, frivolous thing to consider. Can you flash it about? ‘He/she is such a wit, total catch, has bahu/daamad written all over.’ I don’t think so. But in the intimacy of a one-on-one bond, be it marriage or friendship, it can hold the key to comfort and happiness. Is your close circle of friends those you can share a joke with, and no matter what you find funny? Surely, if you must fake laugh in their company, you would rather cancel dinner with them.

It’s exasperating when women try to get through to their partners who, if male, will mostly be impervious to their ‘fastidious’ expectations. But similarly it’s a damp squib if your daily witticisms fall on deaf ears.

I would keep insisting how ‘adorable’ one of my exes was until a friend interjected one day saying she couldn’t figure out if I was talking about a man or a teddy bear because of the adjective I always used for him. I realised ‘adorable’ was my euphemism for his slow wit. I would have to explain my jokes half the times to him. And he never said anything so hilarious to me that I could share as a joke with others.

It’s exasperating when women try to get through to their partners who, if male, will mostly be impervious to their ‘fastidious’ expectations. But similarly it’s a damp squib if your daily witticisms fall on deaf ears. How do your worldviews match if your humour does not?

It is easy to get offended by an ill-timed wisecrack by even your closest friend or parent. It is even easier these days to have a tweet cause hurt to the sentiments of an entire global community. But it’s also the memes we find hilarious and share that keep connecting us to each other in a warmer way. You provide a person a reason to laugh no matter how bad their day might be going. Laughing together is liberating. No matter how rich your family, waving your wallet in front of a loved one might not lift their spirits. But crack a good-natured joke lovingly and see how the dark clouds hanging above them disperse.

Published in Dawn, EOS, November 4th, 2018