Pakistan have lost a Test. So you know what that means, it is time to look at how the entire team is completely awful and about how Lord’s was a completely random event that no one should ever take seriously or remember in anyway fondly.
How could an epic win in a tight Test be taken seriously when the opening batsman was Masood?
You can be a believer in the natural calmness of Masood, the schooling, the leadership potential, and still wonder, when the ball is moving, even a tiny little bit, if he will ever be able to conquer with his leg glance only technique.
And his partner, the overseas-struggling, non-bowling Hafeez. It’s less an opening partnership than a nightwatchman pairing.
It doesn’t get much better at three, Azhar Ali has been unlucky, and he has been careless, that means in four whole innings he is an innings short of an innings.
Younis, no one can ever question him, he demands belief, respect, everlasting love. If he wants to bat on a pogo stick using a rubber chicken and singing Yiddish folk tunes he can.
But you know, so far, that style of batting has not worked for him. So you know, Younis, we all love you, and we all believe in you, and we are all too terrified to ask if this Frankenstein monster’s batting technique can possibly work in the UK.
And Shafiq, Papa, our baby-faced batting prodigy. Why on earth can you not convert this kind of form and this kind of technique into a huge score.
You are baby-faced, not a baby.
Also, Sarfraz, dude, just on the odd occasion, take a Xanax, take a deep breath, put on a Sigur Ros album or something, not every single innings has to be played as if someone has lit you on fire as you’ve entered the ground.
Wahab, ‘pace is pace’, but hey, how about an actual wicket? Or even a bunch of wickets? You’re like a centrefold that never takes of the budgie smugglers to show the full package.
Stop teasing, either do the deed, or knick off.
And Rahat, just because they call you a cult figure, that doesn’t mean you’ve made it.
The film American Astronaut is a cult classic, and all 17 people who like it aren’t making it a huge hit. How about realising that a consistent line and length is part of being an international bowler, not a serving suggestion.
So, Yasir, Lord’s, a fluke, no?
We always said you were going to be found out away from Asia, and then you burnt down Lord’s, but we all knew it was luck, sure you have the most repeatable action in legspin since the golden days, sure you get spin, and bounce, but you are a Pakistani leggie, you are supposed to be more mysterious, have more drama in your action, and have 17 wrong’uns, the first 15 or so are the one’s the batsman sees, and the last two steal his wallet, his girlfriend and his pickup truck.
Oh, and you Amir, dude, are you the messiah, or are you just a reformed naughty boy?
So far you’re more like a trailer for a film that shows all the best bits beforehand. This is your summer, your redemption, it was you we all cheered like crazed loons as you flew through Lord’s, and now it is you, bowling like a regular human being. What the hell is all that about?
Don’t think you are getting out of this, Misbah. Your team lost a Test Match. Away from home. When the opposition’s only two top class batsmen milked your attack. And then your top order struggled under the weight of the runs.
You should be fired. Or worse still, made to stay on for five more years. Or to join a comedy folk band with Shahid Afridi.
Because how dare you not win, after winning.
All of you. You made us believe in this flawed wonderful team, that they could somehow gel together, overcome adversity, and be the team that could win in Asia, and outside Asia. Like the best teams do, or did, or almost do.
I mean South Africa could do it, and all they did was spend the best part of a decade not losing away from home, so how hard could it be?
Instead what do we have, just another team that has been battered away from home, a Lord’s miracle followed by a dose of Northern truth?
Battered so hard that they are now at an unwinnable 1-1 position with two Tests to go.
How could they ever redeem themselves on a pitch that should help their seamers and one that may help their spinner?
This series is over. This Pakistan is finished. Pakistan Zindabad, nope, Pakistan, really bad. It might as well be 210-1, there is more chance of Shan Masood riding a unicorn over a lego rainbow than a series win from here. Because Pakistan have lost a Test. One whole Test.
Disclaimer: This article is categorised as satire.