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Malala: The real story (with evidence)

Updated Oct 11, 2013 07:11pm


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DISCLAIMER: The following article is a work of satire and fiction and in no way attempts to depict events in real life.

In September 2012, a 15-year-old school girl from Pakistan’s Swat valley was reported to have been shot in the face and head by a Taliban activist.

The attack caused outrage around the world and the news was given widespread coverage in the local and international media.

Malala was reported to have barely survived after doctors in Pakistan and then England performed multiple surgeries on her face and head.

Today Malala lives in the UK and has repeatedly vowed to continue working for the cause of women’s education in Pakistan, especially in those areas of the country where extremists and militant outfits are said to have been blowing up girls’ schools.

But this is just one side of the whole story. The narrative about what really happened on the day Malala was allegedly shot has mostly been weaved by the Western media.

In April this year, sent a group of its most seasoned reporters to Swat to undertake an intensive five-month investigation of the event. Their collective findings unearthed a series of some stunning disclosures (with evidence) that are bound to affectively challenge the mainstream narrative of the Malala story.

The following are the major findings of the investigation:

• Malala was not born in Swat and neither is she a Pushtun. A respected medical doctor in Swat, Imtiaz Ali Khanzai, who runs a private hospital and clinic in Swat told our reporters that he has a DNA report that proves that Malala is not Pushtun.

Showing us the report, he said he extracted Malala’s DNA when as a child she visited his clinic (with her parents) complaining of an earache.

“After she was supposedly shot last year, I remembered I had a bottle where I had kept some of her earwax,” the doctor explained. “Collecting earwax of my patients is a hobby of mine,” he added.

He went on to claim that according to the DNA, Malala is a Caucasian, most probably from Poland.

After the discovery, the doctor called Malala’s father and told him that he knew who Malala was. “

“He was stunned and began to stutter,” the doctor said. “He pleaded that I did not make my findings public. I told him I wouldn’t but only if he told me the whole truth.”

Malala’s father told the doctor that Malala’s real name was Jane and she was born in Hungary in 1997. Her real biological parents were Christian missionaries who, after traveling to Swat in 2002, left Malala as a gift to her adopted parents after they secretly converted to Christianity.

Dr. Khanzai’s DNA extraction kit
Dr. Khanzai’s DNA extraction kit

When our reporters asked the doctor why he was revealing Malala’s real identity now, he said he was convinced that Malala was planted in Swat by anti-Pakistan elements.

He then added that he can also prove that the young man who shot her was not a Pushtun either. “I have his earwax as well,’ he claimed.

After extracting the DNA of the shooter’s earwax, the doctor discovered that he was probably from Italy. He then invited our reporters to look at the man’s earwax under a microscope.

“Those tiny yellow bits that you see in the wax are bits of pizza,” he explained.

The doctor told us that in January 2012 he emailed his findings to some senior members of Pakistan’s intelligence agency, the ISI.

After a few days his clinic was raided by the police. He was in Saudi Arabia at the time collecting earwax samples of some members of the Saudi royal family. His staff at the clinic was harassed by the police who wanted to know where he kept the earwax samples.


In June this year, the doctor was visited by a young ISI officer who apologised to him about the police raid and told him that the ISI were well aware of Malala’s real identity. After much coaxing on our part, the doctor eventually gave us the cell phone number of the ISI officer.

However, the officer kept refusing to talk to us but finally relented on the condition that we refer to him as ‘Master X’.

Master X met one of our reporters at an abandoned girls’ school in lower Swat. To hide his face, the officer wore a Spiderman mask.

Talking to the reporter he said: “This had to come out one day. And I just couldn’t let myself continue to keep such a dangerous secret hidden. I am a true patriot.”

He then added: ‘My father once told me, ‘Peter, with great power comes great responsibility’.’

The officer
The officer

His revelations led us to our next shocking discovery (with evidence):

• Malala’s shooting was staged by intelligence agencies. The officer told the reporter that the whole shooting incident was a stunt planned by Pakistani and US agencies to pave the way for the Pakistani army’s invasion of North Waziristan: “It was all a drama,” he explained. “It was staged so the Pakistan army would have an excuse to invade North Waziristan.”

When asked why he was using the word ‘invasion’ when North Waziristan was a part of Pakistan, the officer replied: “North Waziristan is an autonomous Islamic Emirates. It has been like that for centuries. But our history books distort the facts and teach our children that it is part of Pakistan. The area has unimaginable amounts of oil, gold, copper, silver, bronze, coal, diamonds, gas and fossilised dinosaur remains underneath its rugged grounds. That’s what the Americans are after.”

Our reporter then asked whether he had any evidence to prove his claim.

The officer pulled out a few photographs and showed it to the reporter. The photographs showed a few bones. “Dinosaur bones,” he explained.

He added: “These were excavated in North Waziristan by the archaeology division of the Taliban. After they were studied by the geology division of the Taliban, it had traces of oil, gold, copper, silver, bronze, coal, diamonds and gas.”

One of the photographs showing dinosaur bones excavated from the grounds of North Waziristan.
One of the photographs showing dinosaur bones excavated from the grounds of North Waziristan.

What about the evidence proving that the shooting was staged by American and Pakistani agencies?

Pulling out a piece of paper, the officer said: “This is the evidence. It was decoded by the Taliban’s division of quantum physics.”

The paper had screen shots of a brief exchange of tweets on Twitter between one ‘Lib Fish’ and ‘Oil Gul.’

The officer said that Lib Fish was actually a CIA operative based in Qatar and Oil Gul was an ISI sleuth on Twitter based in Lahore. The exchange was intercepted and decoded by one ‘Tsunami Mommy’ who is based in Swabi in the Khyber Pakhtunkwa province in Pakistan and is an engineer by profession.

We are publishing the Twitter exchange between Lib Fish and Oil Gul that was provided to us by the officer:

@LibFish Yo, @OilGul, how goes life?

@OilGul Life’s kool, mate.

@LibFish @OilGul Any chance of visiting Qatar soon?

@OilGul @LibFish Haha. Soon after I’m done with my O level exams. They suck.

@LibFish @OilGul Haha. Yea, they do, don’t they?

The officer told us that Tsunami Mommy jumped in after he realised what was taking place:

@Tsunami_Mommy Agents! I know what you two do. Anti-Islam anti-Pakistan bastaaas. @OilGul @LibFish

@OilGul Dude, who are you? Why are you trolling us?

@Tsunami_Mommy Shup ut fake liberalz fascist agents IK is best you bastaaas NA250 rigging 1 billion fake liberalz votes anti-Pakistan anti-Islam inshallah Nya Bakistan tabdeeli …

The officer said he used famous Pakistani linguist and WW-II code-breaker, Mustansar Hussain Tarar, to decode the suspicious Twitter exchange and that is when he discovered that the CIA and the ISI were planning the fake shooting.

He also gave the reporter the manuscript of the book that Tsunami Mommy was writing on the shooting after piecing together the evidence (with evidence) provided by the doctor, the officer and Mustansar Hussain Tarar.

The book’s title will be ‘A Fake Shooting of a Fake Liberal by a Fake Liberal, You Bastaaas.’

Below is the brief summary of what the manuscript claims:

October 1, 1997: Malala is born to Hungarian parents in Budapest and named Jane.

October 4, 2002: The parents are recruited by the CIA and given a crash course in evangelical Christianity, hypnosis and karate.

October 7, 2003: They land in Pakistan and head for Swat posing as NGO workers. They get in touch with a low-level ISI agent, and convert the family to Christianity, leaving Jane with him. He changes her name to Malala and instils in her the fear of Jesus.

October 30, 2007: Malala starts to write a blog that asks the militants of Swat to put down their weapons, pick up a Bible and boogie.

October 21, 2011: The militants request her to stop writing her evangelical blogs and finish her homework instead.

October 1, 2012: CIA recruits a Pashtu speaking Italian-American loner (Robert) living in New York and gives him a crash course in gun-slinging and acting.

October 7, 2012: CIA shares plan of Malala’s fake shooting with the ISI. The ISI agrees and gives Malala and her parents a briefing.

October 11, 2012: The Italian-America arrives in Swat posing as an Uzbek homeopath.

The fake gunman moments before taking a flight to Pakistan.
The fake gunman moments before taking a flight to Pakistan.

October 12, 2012: Robert is given a gun that is loaded with blanks. He intercepts Malala’s school van and fires blanks at her. She pretends to be hit and squeeze opens a small pack of Mitchel’s Tomato Ketchup she is hiding in one of her hands and rubs the ketchup all over her face. A fake ambulance suddenly arrives on the scene and takes away Malala. The world is told that she was shot in the face and head by a Taliban fanatic.

The story that ran in the media quoted Malala’s friends in the van saying that the gunman asked for Malala and then shot her.

But the officer shared with us the testimony of one of Malala’s friends that was repressed by vested interests in the media.

According to the testimony, a man stopped the van and shouted (in Pashtu), ‘who is Jane … I mean, Jeanette … no, Alberta Joan Lucas?’

The girls looked at each other in confusion and the driver was about to drive away when the gunman pulled out a gun and started to shout: ‘Uno momento, un momento …’

Then looking at a girl he asked: ‘You lookin’ at me?’ At which Malala threw down her school bag and shouted (in Italian): ‘No you idiot, I AM lookin’ at you. Malala, Malala, remember? Fool.’

Saying, ‘Oh,’ he shot her (with the blanks).

• The girl that the media was shown in the hospital was not Malala. The officer shared with us some photographs to prove this. He first showed us a video (on his iPhone) that he shot hours after the shooting. It shows Malala joyfully bungee jumping on the hills near River Swat.

Malala bungee jumping hours after she was allegedly ‘shot.’
Malala bungee jumping hours after she was allegedly ‘shot.’

Then the officer informed us that the doctor had the earwax samples of the girl in the hospital. When we contacted the doctor again and asked what the samples proved he said that the DNA he extracted from the sample suggests that the girl in the hospital was not a girl at all. It was a pillow.

He said he had managed to sneak into the operating room (posing as a postman) and while he was secretly drawing out earwax from the girl’s ears, he managed to take a picture of the girl with his Nokia phone.

‘I came back and was shocked when I enlarged the picture,’ he said.

He then gave us a printout of the picture …

We believe there is now enough evidence for Pakistan and the international community to have a serious re-look at the Malala story and demand that the United Nations orders a full investigation into the matter.

—DISCLAIMER: The above article is a work of satire and fiction and in no way attempts to depict events in real life.


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Author Image

Nadeem F. Paracha is a cultural critic and senior columnist for Dawn Newspaper and He is also the author of two books on the social history of Pakistan, End of the Past and The Pakistan Anti-Hero.

He tweets @NadeemfParacha

The views expressed by this writer and commenters below do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of the Dawn Media Group.

Comments (509) Closed

AHA Oct 10, 2013 03:46pm

We live on conspiracies and have perfected the art of denial. It is never us, period.

The inability of Pakistani to accept that there is something seriously wrong with how we understand reality is the cause of our sorry state of affairs

Shaikh Muhammed Ali Oct 10, 2013 04:00pm

This is utterly hilarious :)

Reebz Oct 10, 2013 03:55pm

This is a conspiracy! I demand that the clear picture of the pillow with the bullet wound be released to the public under the freedom of information act.

MAHER ALI Oct 10, 2013 04:01pm

hahahahah nice movie... I enjoyed with POP CORNS>.......

Carol Anne Grayson Oct 10, 2013 04:02pm

Lets talk some facts here, Malala is a courageous young woman but how much stronger her story would be if she had been left to speak for herself without the backing of Edelman the world's biggest PR company based in US but with a branch in UK... She didn't need them... She has been "branded" already by the west and I find that very sad! Neither did she need a former British Prime Minister Gordon Brown out to sell his "for profit" schools who doesn't give a fig for gender justice in the UK.. She is being exploited now as a commodity of the west...

Muhammad Ahmed Oct 10, 2013 04:02pm

What an amazing piece of satire! NFP, you are indeed man of many talents. You should however, separate your historical writings and clearly identify satire, otherwise, this may be quoted as an actual investigation on some stupid blogs which promote conspiracy theories. It is indeed disgusting to read the type of crap that is being propagated about the poor 14-15 year old girl. I just wish her all the best and great success in her cause to bring education to all the girls of her native land.

Paracha Oct 10, 2013 04:15pm

Good way to share a serious doubt about Jane, i mean the ex jane or i mean the mala lala or whatever...

Rabia Oct 10, 2013 04:19pm

Another one of those straight-faced satires by NFP that some idiots are bound to take seriously. But it is them that he satirizes. Win, win.

Loved it.

Yawar Oct 10, 2013 04:22pm

No one parodies conspiracy theorists as hilariously and sharply as NFP. Another good one.

zeidoud Oct 10, 2013 04:17pm

you are going to be soooo sorry if it is all correct ;)

asim Oct 10, 2013 04:34pm

whatever!!!!!. still believe that Ms. M is agent of MI6 :) and if u all people are so wisheee about her they y not for Dr Afia, she is also a lady, Muslim, Pakistani.

Ahmed Oct 10, 2013 04:37pm

I have come to know how important earwax is to reveal someone identity.

Yawar Oct 10, 2013 04:34pm

@asim: Are you by any chance the officer with the Spider-Man mask in this article?

Yawar Oct 10, 2013 04:47pm

@Rabia: I agree. Just saw someone taking it literally on facebook. Hahaha. It's like NFP's 'Terrorist arrested in Murree' satire. Just can't understand how can one miss the satire and actually take it seriously. Haha.

Aley Oct 10, 2013 04:53pm

So apt ....especially the Tsunami Mommy. @Tsunami_Mommy Shup ut fake liberalz fascist agents IK is best you bastaaas NA250 rigging 1 billion fake liberalz votes anti-Pakistan anti-Islam inshallah Nya Bakistan tabdeeli

shiraz Oct 10, 2013 04:48pm

so DNA does actually work. Ironically just not for the inmates in jails especially in US who are wrongfully accused!!!! LOL.

G.A. Oct 10, 2013 04:50pm

NFP doesn't know the whole story. The fact is that she had herself shot in the head to blame the innocent Taliban whose only crime is to behead people or to blow them up. That was her way to get out of the country and escape the benovalent rule of the Taliban. She is a clever girl.

Yadav bharat Oct 10, 2013 04:57pm

..nice story.

Salman Khan Oct 10, 2013 05:05pm

Awesome man simply awesome an satirical targeted against attackers of #Malala, your a genius Nadeem my man.

Khalid Oct 10, 2013 05:05pm

Well it looks like it has been wrote in a hurry however Malala's story is dubious there are thousands of girls and boys in Pakistan who are more brave than Malala no body ever cared about them.......Some day may be after 2 or 3 decades the real story of Malala will be revealed may be another Snowden by that time may appear.

Hamid Mamraiz Oct 10, 2013 05:15pm

Writer of this Blog is actually giving example of Pakistani conspiracy theory master's thinking ... Nice funny Blog... laughing to read it :D

felina Oct 10, 2013 05:18pm

way to accuse maynard from the tool band to be the guy behind shooting malala :(

AbbasToronto Oct 10, 2013 05:21pm

Decline and fall of everyone ....

NoNy Oct 10, 2013 05:22pm

So those Tsunami Mommys who used to post random videos on social media titled

Qaiser Oct 10, 2013 05:17pm

Phew... for a moment I thought it was a serious piece. Good read and an important message. Thanks. @Tsunami_mommy :)

Umer Iqbal Oct 10, 2013 05:18pm

By knowing these facts, still no action ?

Qaiser Oct 10, 2013 05:24pm

@asim: One is a child merely speaking up for the right to get an education... the other has a more dubious history and connections (to say the least)

Ali Oct 10, 2013 05:24pm

Hahahahah awesome specially this one @Tsunami_Mommy Shup ut fake liberalz fascist agents IK is best you bastaaas NA250 rigging 1 billion fake liberalz votes anti-Pakistan anti-Islam inshallah Nya Bakistan tabdeeli. great NFP loved it.

Muzaffar Oct 10, 2013 05:22pm

One of the photographs showing dinosaur bones excavated from the grounds of North Waziristan... haha... so humans and dinosaurs are same now.

Faheem Ahmad Zafar Oct 10, 2013 05:26pm


People just check this website.......NFP you rock.....

Jahangir Khan Oct 10, 2013 05:39pm

love you, Mr Paracha.. your 'research' ROCKS!!!

dk Oct 10, 2013 05:52pm

The best way to show truth to those who read codes .. Good job bro ..

Yawar Oct 10, 2013 05:57pm

@Muzaffar: No kidding. Really?

myter Oct 10, 2013 06:05pm

An effort to refute any anti malala article

haseeb Oct 10, 2013 06:07pm

looks like paracha's brain was seriously trolled by tsunami_mommy. will he ever be able to write something not related to Tsunami? i doubt.

Harris Sid Oct 10, 2013 06:18pm

Well played, sir. Well played.

Syed Arbab Ahmed Oct 10, 2013 06:14pm

Same show her as angel and some portray her as devil, I think Pakistani media needs to have an open interview of her with live calls of people to clarify few things.

BC Oct 10, 2013 06:20pm

Its good to see that still has a sense of humor. This is without a doubt the funniest fiction in a major news outlet I have read in a long time. The ear wax Dr. in SWAT is quite the accomplished scientist. I am sure the Saudi royal family is proud to have him in their ears. HA HA HA. Even when the TTP admit to shooting her and still wanting to kill this child its still a conspiricy by the government.

Qasim Oct 10, 2013 06:25pm

stunning isn't it.

raza Oct 10, 2013 06:25pm


Spectator Oct 10, 2013 06:26pm

@Qaiser: Agreed fully.

cotton bud Oct 10, 2013 06:28pm

Earwax... Hahahaha

s khan Oct 10, 2013 06:33pm

Great and funny article yet again by Nadeem Paracha. well done. Yes I know Pakistanis love conspiracy theories. some ideots are convinced that all this was staged!!

sabeeh omer Oct 10, 2013 06:35pm

I always said from the start that "This is a drama that deserves an Oscar but no one believed me. All the western fanfare is indicative of the fact that Malala is a western agent. She was never shot at, never suffered any injuries and is playing fool with Pakistan and our fame-hungry media.

faheem Oct 10, 2013 06:38pm

wow taliban have an archeology divison and a quantum division too...ooohhhh.....that's convincing....

Jamal Oct 10, 2013 06:38pm

@sabeeh omer: This is SATIRE, bimbo. Seriously, are you people this dumb?

s khan Oct 10, 2013 06:39pm

@Khalid: you are an ideot Khalid, who is living in conspiracy theories!! you will never play your part in imroving any one's life as you dont seems to get it!

Akram Oct 10, 2013 06:35pm

the Taliban division of Quantum Physics...if only..

jaleel Oct 10, 2013 06:41pm

when i read your articles and the comments on it, why i am reminded of the story of the 'Pied Piper".

s khan Oct 10, 2013 06:39pm

@asim: there is no comparison!! Malala is champion of education just 16 yeras old. Afia is a grown up woman from Karachi, captured in Afghanistan, who took up gun to fire at people. please keep things in perspective!

BC Oct 10, 2013 06:44pm

I just posted this article on twitter! Its getting a lot of play. I hope Malala reads it. Laughter is the best medicine. It appears that the biggest TTP enemy is a smart educated female. We should drop 5,000 smart women into SWAT... seriously! It will be more effective than bombs?

Hegade Oct 10, 2013 06:46pm

Hahaha... NFP great..i really cant stop laugh while reading. i bow to ur comedy chemistry, great job.

Spectator Oct 10, 2013 06:41pm

Ridiculous, ludicrous piece of blogging and journalism.

s khan Oct 10, 2013 06:47pm

@AHA: Very well said and 100% agree. you have hit the nail on the head

Ahmed Oct 10, 2013 06:42pm

well sams like a fabricated funny story I enjoyed it !!!!

Mohsin Abbas Oct 10, 2013 06:45pm

Stunning... Wao.. Maza A gya..

Jasim Oct 10, 2013 06:53pm

This is for the first time, i am disappointed to what you(NFP) wrote.. today the pen is speaking someone else's language... sorry to say, i have trusted that at least there are some people who speak their soul instead of what they are directed to wrote... you were one of those... anyway, "facts are sacred, comments are free".....

nadeem Oct 10, 2013 06:50pm

@sabeeh omer: You are a genius really.. where you got your grey cells from?

Masood Hussain Oct 10, 2013 06:56pm

what kind of humour is this? weaving an end less story ,meaning less as it is, goes on and on,start getting headache. hope don't have to go to the doctor in Swat to get my DNA extracted.

atts Oct 10, 2013 07:04pm

lol ...NFP, u kill me

gaurav Oct 10, 2013 07:04pm

he he ... ha ha... ho ho... NFP you made my day... keep the articles coming. much appreciated....

Daniyal Oct 10, 2013 07:08pm

This right here is great journalism and a shout out to all those debbie downers and nay sayers who refuse to give that little kid the respect for the awareness she has brought to the plight of women in a radical muslim countr that loves to play the victim card.

aka313 Oct 10, 2013 07:06pm

hahahahahaah hilarous article

aka313 Oct 10, 2013 07:06pm

hahahahahaah hilarous article

RabNawaz Oct 10, 2013 07:26pm

had lot of fun while reading the research by Paracha sb... thank you for your research... hhahahaha, Paracha had nice critic for malala's haters.... onething more, Paracha is one of the bigest ever supporter of Malala... finest piece of satire ever read

Asif Oct 10, 2013 07:24pm

What an odd piece of writing. Published by DAWN only because NFP wrote it :-)

Shahzad Latif Oct 10, 2013 07:32pm

This is a piece of art or something. I loved reading the satire and esp the comments. Granted there is a lot of humor in it, i must say I laughed @ the following points: - Peter - "One of the photographs showing dinosaur bones excavated from the grounds of North Waziristan."... looking at the picture, I see all human skulls. Love it. - Archaeology, geology and quantum physics divisions of Taliban.... lol - Mustansar Hussain Tarar.... another lol - pick up a Bible - Pashtu speaking Italian-American loner (Robert) - Love the picture: The fake gunman moments before taking a flight to Pakistan - Reemphasis on 'with evidence' - Mitchel

expaki Oct 10, 2013 07:38pm

Nadeem , blessed was the moment when, some good girl gave birth of you. Remember I am not an Arabi neither an Al Khajoor, but a PUNJABI, two generation back a proud SIKH.therefore I pray to my Khuda to always look after you. Jeonda Raho Parachiaa.

At Oct 10, 2013 07:42pm

Pashtoo saying"v ku zan mashahoray nu jumat k ........ uka". nice suspense drama...

Qaiser Oct 10, 2013 07:57pm

@Khalid: What stops you from celebrating a Pakistani that is showing the entire world that we want peace, education and equality and that the image the world has of Pakistan is distorted. Malala is an inspiration, I am continuously amazed by her dignity & poise. I don't know a single 16 year old that has the ability to talk as she does despite everything she's been through. She is a credit to her parents and I'd be proud if my daughter can speak as she does when she gets to 16.

Celebrate one of the few Pakistanis worth celebrating - please.

sTUDENT Oct 10, 2013 08:02pm

your article wasted my presious time.HUH!

Manzar Khan Oct 10, 2013 07:58pm

It is AWESOME, all the way from Robert DeNiro in TAXI, to the woman bungee jumping in Australia, to the Qtips and that fat WWF wrestler and the funniest is the Taliban sponsored institute of genetics. I will ask my physician about collecting my ear-wax for the future generation. Had Moin Akhter been alive, he would have made a beautiful skit out of this story.

arshad ansari Oct 10, 2013 08:06pm

My God...what Satire. Wonderful to read. A slap in the face of apologists......

YLH Oct 10, 2013 08:10pm

@sabeeh omer:

Even greater joy was reading your ridiculous comment ... amazing. You guys are really extraordinary.

Well done NFP. Excellent Satire.

Jbm Oct 10, 2013 08:12pm

I didn't find it that funny , was wayward and far fetched from the actual happenings :)

skstruct Oct 10, 2013 08:15pm

@Masood Hussain: Masood This is not humour. It is a serious fact. I am surprised you are taking it as a joke. Dear. Facts can never be jokes. SK

sarfraz Oct 10, 2013 08:16pm

NFK. Amazing Writeup. Its crazy funny & ironically truth as well.. It beggars believe when prople doubt on everything in this country even when its a fact. I think these doubters would doudbt even of their existence and them being human beings..

Bilal Tahir Oct 10, 2013 08:33pm

it seems like a brand campaign for mitchels, nokia and apple rather than a true story. What kind of a sick doctor collects ear wax :s and the wax sample was of a Caucasian girl, agreed, but what is the proof that matches with Malala. Police officer showed pictures of dinosaurs(looks like human skeleton to me. I am not a fan of Malala and what you are saying might be true but this evidence is not sufficient

ifti Oct 10, 2013 08:30pm

Nadeem Paracha you are a genius!!

fawad haider Oct 10, 2013 08:39pm

did you know that jesus and hitler were pakistanis... i know that cause i delivered them 'pizza' and never got a tip

Ak Oct 10, 2013 08:52pm

My father once told me,

Fizza Oct 10, 2013 08:49pm

I had to use Qtips to clear out MY earwax to believe this story. Does the Dr. want DNA from earwax too...? Great read. Thanks for making me giggle at work.

Ayesha Oct 10, 2013 09:02pm

This is by far the most succinct and coherent narrative I've heard about this whole matter.

Qazi Hassan Oct 10, 2013 09:07pm

Breaking news. Fazlullah aka Mulla Radio who arranged for the assasination of Malala, and was hiding in Afghanistan under Karzai protection, was killed by Afghan Taliban. BBC confirms it.

Roger Oct 10, 2013 09:11pm

Good satire! You had me for a minute. Malala is a wonderful hero for young people and in fact, for anyone who believes in human freedom.

Cameo Oct 10, 2013 09:15pm

I knew it..

mian waheed Oct 10, 2013 09:21pm

This is your story and you are sticking with it. LOL!

Bucky Oct 10, 2013 09:18pm

Oh NFP you sir are awesome, you just made my day. Hahaha Lol

Sumit Mazumdar Oct 10, 2013 09:28pm

It is not true that Jane's parents were Christian missionaries. Actually they were Zionists disguised as Christian missionaries.

Hamid Oct 10, 2013 09:30pm

So the truth is finally coming out. I always said Malala is western-hindo creation with the only aim to malign the image of Pakistan. I demand the authority to expose all those behind this. The conspirators are working hard to destroy us. I demand our army to launch operation to round them up.

Muhammad Ahmed Oct 10, 2013 09:37pm

I don't know what's funnier, NFP's immaculate article or the fact that half of my social media circle has taken it seriously. Awesome piece as usual!

sibtain Oct 10, 2013 09:42pm

Chah gahey ho nadeem sb.....excellent...finally v got to smile out of our daily pakistani crap...

khan Oct 10, 2013 09:45pm

good humor

Zia Oct 10, 2013 09:47pm

Nadeem Paracha and his team very funny...Please show me the place in swat where Malala used to go for bungee jumping....

Muzaffar Oct 10, 2013 09:50pm

@Yawar Please focus on the forth will get the answer :)

sanjoy Oct 10, 2013 09:57pm

Also heard that Malala has been offered a role in a Bollywood film.

Hasan Mahmood Oct 10, 2013 10:00pm

@sabeeh omer: you are an idiot

jamilsaraz Oct 10, 2013 10:13pm

Robert De Niro in taxi driver

Youfool Oct 10, 2013 10:17pm

@Masood Hussain: It's a Satire you idiot.

Fa121 Oct 10, 2013 10:18pm

Ironic.. !

David Warner Oct 10, 2013 10:24pm

But Malala still remains the only human to live after having a bullet in her head at Point-Blank range....

Muhammad Waseem Oct 10, 2013 10:26pm

My father once told me,

kiran Oct 10, 2013 10:32pm

If you have so many evidence why didn't you guys posted them on the article? Its hard to believe without seeing the real least release them to the world so the world would know that Pakistan is not the bad Guy her

Iftikhar Oct 10, 2013 10:50pm

LOL, I have to admit you got me for a while. I read the first few sentences and was fuming unless I realized hilarity of it. Well done

Jai Oct 10, 2013 10:46pm

WOW. This is better than than the Onion. You sure have a creative mind.

Adnan Mohmand Oct 10, 2013 10:54pm

Most of the fools will consider this story as a real one... Great Job

Haris S Oct 10, 2013 10:51pm

I knew the moment I saw the picture of the said I.S.I agent that it was a fake story. I know the said agent personally and he never uses the spider man mask for his interviews. He uses the batman mask because it fits better over his beard.

N.F.P, you should check your "evidence" before spreading false stories.

Haseeb Shahid Oct 10, 2013 10:56pm

In the testimony of one of Malala's friend's in the van, it says that Malala spoke in Italian. If she spoke in Italian how did that child know what Malala was saying?

Elahi Bakhsh Oct 10, 2013 11:07pm


Shah Jee Oct 10, 2013 11:03pm

Agar Ye Itna Hi Sach hai to International Media Ko Bataona HAHAHAHAHAHAHa

Aamir Oct 10, 2013 11:13pm

@Khalid: tsunami mommy detected right here

Madeeh Ur Rehman Oct 10, 2013 11:09pm

Hilarious! brilliant! The evidence is undeniable. ..hahaha

Aamir Oct 10, 2013 11:10pm

@asim: another tsunami mommy here.. Malala is hero while Aafia is zero

Abdullah Oct 10, 2013 11:10pm

Nadeem F Paracha, how can a fake liberal speak against the fake liberals.Strange.. xD

m5 Oct 10, 2013 11:16pm


When you are going to wake up?

There is atleast some truth regarding certain conspiracy theories that are going on. It is not about the so-called human remnants = dinosaur fossils (as made up per yourself)

See the following links that may wake you up:

Let me know if you need any additional info.

Farooq Oct 10, 2013 11:29pm

@Hamid: Are you joking or you have an IQ problem i understanding this article?

Shahzad Latif Oct 10, 2013 11:31pm

@m5: You didnt understand the article m5 :)

rafik sindhi Oct 10, 2013 11:33pm

Wah sain wah, kya likha he ap ne. infact i took it seriously but when i saw a Pathan wearing spider man then i realized it was funny. haaaaa, V. good

Shahid Pervez Oct 10, 2013 11:32pm

This is a malicious write up from NFP although I have been a fan of his previous satirical write ups. I think this one is intended to instil confusion in peoples' minds in differentiating facts from fiction of this whole drama. The fact remain as it is that Malala's is a very foolishly and heinously orchestrated saga from the west just to weigh the mental stature and intellectual strength of the Pakistani people who very gladly buy this story. One Lawrance of Arabia was installed in Palestine and now many more are active in Pakistani society to corrupt their minds. Muslims in general and Pakistanis in particular have always been looking for Angels to solve their problems of their own making and always have happily fallen prey to some Iblees. They do realise their mistakes but it is always too late and not without getting long lasting physical and spiritual wounds. But their enemies always get doses of happiness when these Angel-lookers are out again to search for new angels to solve their new set-backs. Great going. Isn't it?

yousafhaque Oct 10, 2013 11:39pm

@Zia : The place actually is situated in nearby Murree hills.It was temporarily shifted to Sawat for Malala (Jane) to practice bungee jumping.It was lost on the way when they were bringing it back after the mission was accomplished

Rahim Oct 10, 2013 11:41pm

And yes, having DNA of the shooter is EPIC... Really??? You gotta be kidding man.....

Sunay Oct 10, 2013 11:41pm

Malala deserves the Nobel Peace Prize. NFP deserves the Nobel for literary satire !!

aisha Oct 10, 2013 11:42pm

nod for the wise and rod for the otherwise! that's all that i have to say!

lmao Oct 10, 2013 11:37pm

hahahha this is hilarious

Gopal Ramdev Oct 10, 2013 11:40pm

@Ayesha: then you need to grow up and read more!

Adnan Mohmand Oct 10, 2013 11:51pm

@Adnan Mohmand: A Stupid friend of mine on Facebook shared the Urdu version of this story, in which he claimed this story as a real one. LOL

Mohammad Khan Oct 10, 2013 11:59pm

@Zia : To me that bungee jumping looks like a young blond woman.

Shah Jee Oct 11, 2013 12:00am

@rafik sindhi : sub fake tha

dada Oct 11, 2013 12:07am

You people swing from Malala to Salala. Both are gift to you from Allah, America and Army

JZ Oct 11, 2013 12:05am

This is Really Funny ................ After extracting the DNA of the shooter

rahi Oct 11, 2013 12:10am

@David Warner: Fool , if she would have died then you wouldn't have heard about her in first place. She is famous because she survived the heinous shooting while working for a noble cause

afsheen Oct 11, 2013 12:16am

I dnt knw wat to say but its hilarious... very well said...

arif Oct 11, 2013 12:26am

Initially I was about to say WTF , ear wax and DNA but later realized that it was another hilarious article by Mr N. F. Paracha.

Mr Singh Oct 11, 2013 12:27am

@Jasim: May be you are right. there are few points suggesting this.

Sidra Oct 11, 2013 12:28am

My God, are you BRILLIANT or what? Loved the piece. I must admit I was completely sold up until the picture of the ear buds popped up. For those with tedious brain cells - please Google the word 'satire'. NFP, I'm very happy God made you and sent you to us. Kudos.

Afeem Hash Paratha Oct 11, 2013 12:24am

And that was DJ Fazalullah of Mullah Radio signing off for the last time with the track..'Born in the USA' by Bruce Springsteen.

Dawer Yasin Khan Oct 11, 2013 12:26am

This is sheer joy from Nadeem F. Paracha....LOL...cant help my laugh....God....he made my day

Joe Oct 11, 2013 12:34am

@Hamid: Idiot!!! do you have an IQ of -30. It is a Satire! But i am sure you wouldn't know what that is!

deehanrarsi Oct 11, 2013 12:29am

hmm ..Malala and DNA tests ...nice mix... ek teer se do shikaar

zafarov Oct 11, 2013 12:38am

@David Warner: Well there is Gabrielle Giffords for one. Have you not heard of her? Which planet do you live on?

Vijay@Toronto Oct 11, 2013 12:34am

@Bilal Tahir: Would you kindly remove the welding goggles from your face and re-read the article? Thanks!

syed Oct 11, 2013 12:34am

Ear wax contains very few cells. It is mainly complex carbohydrates and other waste materials. The lack of cells makes it nearly impossible to isolate DNA from ear wax

zahid Oct 11, 2013 12:42am

@s khan: agree with u...such a funny story

adeel Oct 11, 2013 12:54am

o pagalon uau satire qaum hai yay

Saadia Mazhar Oct 11, 2013 12:52am

That's a fabulous piece of information.... Our blind awaam needs to know who the hell Malala AKA Jane is.... (Y)

S khan Oct 11, 2013 01:03am

@Shahid Pervez: You are also a conspiracy theorist like most of Pakistanis, who thins it's never their fault!!!!

S khan Oct 11, 2013 01:10am

@David Warner: No fool there are other people that have survived, you just don't know it

S khan Oct 11, 2013 01:10am

@Qaiser: Totally agree, you are so right. Well said

Talha Naim Rao Oct 11, 2013 01:15am

well, the things are explained at last.. under the banner of a Big Group of media.. Here we go.. Malala identity is now in the sight of ours and of curse, we Pakistani so much hate her that cant be mentioned!

Salman Oct 11, 2013 01:23am

@Bilal Tahir: U dint understand the article idiot !

Mohammad Khan Oct 11, 2013 01:25am

Hahahah! Thank You Piracha ! This will be a good add up to the Alf Layla commonly known as Arabian Nights (1001 Nights) in the west.

sultan Oct 11, 2013 01:45am

how calmly wrote a fiction which actually have hidden logics..well wrote Sir.

Muhammad Omer Farooq Oct 11, 2013 01:45am

Nice piece, after reading the comments below, i can safely say that this nation is ready to disown the soon to be InshaAllah noble prize winne of Pakistan, like they did with Dr. Abdus Salam, because to become a hero in this country, you either have to be a mumtaz qadri or a napoloen gul.

@sammam Oct 11, 2013 01:51am

seriously I read whole article and made the conclusion its a gr8 hollywood agent base story -_-

Farhan Oct 11, 2013 01:49am

Godammit NFP What an article! Ha ha ... Loved it. May Allah truly bless you. Amen.

Maria Oct 11, 2013 01:58am

looks like a bollywood Masala movie! I enjoyed it!! ;)

Riaz Oct 11, 2013 01:55am

@David Warner: Your ignorance is obvious. Just for your information google James Brady.

Bharat Tiwari Oct 11, 2013 02:01am


salma Oct 11, 2013 02:01am

This is a LOL story but yeah nice try

Dave Oct 11, 2013 02:32am

@Shahid Pervez: pakistan has "intellectual strength"? good to know

Jehanzeb Khan Oct 11, 2013 02:35am

@kiran: Are you for real?

This is satire. Please. Don't ruin it for us.

Yousafzai Oct 11, 2013 02:29am

@Shahid Pervez: You may be one of the staunch apologists who these days have nothing to do except maligning the little innocent girl. Why it is hard for u to digest the glory that she has attained. There r two categories of people against Malala. One, those who r jealous; two, those r affiliated to a party that has confused the whole nation about taliban & terrorism. Their govt in KP has been cowrdly & submissively silent on their acts of barbarity as there r strict instructions from the one-and-the-only, the authoriatative IK, running a one man show.

Parvez Oct 11, 2013 02:36am

.....and you do know that you are voicing the thoughts of many Pakistanis and that's what makes this write up even more hilarious.

Akif Khan Oct 11, 2013 02:41am

@Shahid Pervez: Hate bungee jumping, eh?

Ali Oct 11, 2013 02:39am

Are u kidding??

GA. Oct 11, 2013 02:44am

@Khalid: Perhaps after 2 or 3 decades when Taliban have dragged Pakistan back to Stone Age and finished off English-speaking Taliban sympathisers like yourself then you can reflect on why on earth an educated person like yourself ever supported uncivilized Neanderthals.

TKhan Oct 11, 2013 02:59am

I have 3 observations:

1) The QTips are much too big for a child ear. 2) You wasted the precious Dijon Mustered for nothing. 3) Watch out Robert De Niro may be coming after you - I heard him on FOX News saying "You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? Then who the hell else are you talkin' to? You talkin' to me? Well I'm the only one here. Who the xxxx do you think you're talking to?

Happy Oct 11, 2013 03:13am

HAHAHA. NFP has outdone himself once again. SERIOUSLY funny. The twitter exchange was just amazing. Absolutely great job. I am now convinced that after Malala Yousufzai, Nadeem F. Paracha is one of the only saving graces of Pakistan. Keep up the great work man!

Anas Ali Oct 11, 2013 03:15am

LOL! I have not laughed this hard in a long time :p Please I would like to read more :D This is a Slap on the face of everyone that has been b***ing about Malala :)

Aaliya Oct 11, 2013 03:24am

Good one Mr fact hilarious..

rashid Oct 11, 2013 03:39am

I dont think so that these all facts are true.While reading this article,I felt at a moment that i am reading a novel. I could not make up my mind to think about it as a matter of fact. It was just like a story which is well written by NFP. Sudden end make me felt that to be next episode.Hahahahaha..

Shaukat Basit Oct 11, 2013 03:56am

@Bilal Tahir: What a fool you are,you thing its real story?I assume you are not illiterate because you wrote few lines in English,you are just an idiot,aren't you?

Snacks Oct 11, 2013 04:04am

Dog gone crazy.

Snacks Oct 11, 2013 04:10am

@Muzaffar: Forth picture ? and where can I find it ?

Snacks Oct 11, 2013 04:11am

@Fizza: Giggle at work, or google at work ?

Abdul Salam Oct 11, 2013 04:12am

???? ?????: ?? ?? ??? ??? ????? ?? ?? ?? ????? ?? ??? ???? ??? ???

Afzal Oct 11, 2013 04:18am

This is the joke of the century....

Dr "hobby to collect earwax" are you nutts?


ARK Oct 11, 2013 04:35am

The article raises more questions than it answers. Q1. Uno Momento is Spanish and not Italian. Was Malala learning Spanish also? Q2. Would ISI agent be covering his face and not his stomach? Q3. Was Malala party to the scheme? Q4 Did her father not know that a blank can kill someone from point blank range? Q5 .Would a father subject his daughter to a scheme like this? Q6 Did the conspiracy start in 2002 by CIA to make Pakistan attack North Waziristan? Q7 Would a junior ISI cause an attack by Pakistan army on Noeth Waziristan? Q8 Would a 12 or 13 years girl sacrifice herself to cuase an attack on Noeth Waziristan? Q9 Where is the place in Swat wher there are bungee jums held? Q10 Was Malala fluent in Italian when she came fron Poland, the assassin from Italy? Q11 Did the assassin know Spanish? Q12 Was the doctor such a dummy that he could not tell a dummy from a human being? Q13 Where were the Hospital Staff? Q14 Even if this was a conspiracy, and Malala was hit by a blank as we all know,and was hurt as we all know,what was the idea of transporting a pillow in the ambulance? Were the crew of ambulance and hospital all part of the conspiracy?

JS Oct 11, 2013 04:39am

"Well, a good one. Now we are waiting to read a similar 007 kind of story about Afia Siddiqui. They say she was a terrorist who tried to kill the defenders of the earth, the saviours of the universe, the great Americans of course. Since she was a scientist, they have the evidence that she very successfully made an-iron-man-kind-of supercostume in the caves of Afganistan. (the idea of Iron Man actually came after the invention of Afia siddiqui). She was planning to attack the Pantagon with that technology and deadly weapon of hers, alongwith her kids and an infant. (the kids were later found to be real "spy kids"). We dying to read from u Paracha sahab, a similar wonderful story, we are waiting for a great action movie, if you could help the Hollywood with the script writing. "

ROHIT PANDEY Oct 11, 2013 04:58am

Humor apart..I saw Malala's interview with Jon Stewart.

She is wise beyond her years!

" I used to ask myself as what I would do if I were to confront the Taliban-Well,I would throw a throw a shoe if the Talib were to come for me-If I hit the Talib with a shoe,I would not be different from him-so,I would point out the importance of education,and I would wish it for your children too! Now,do what you want!

I think she "did a Mahatma Gandhi" there. I will settle issues without violence and dialogue!

Good luck,Malala..once in a while,on this planet a rare germination among billions of humans does take place and these precious beings bring about the much needed difference in our lives!

Tauseef Oct 11, 2013 04:58am

Mr. Nadeem I think you just got up after nap. Talibaan are beasts of Modern times.

wayne persie Oct 11, 2013 05:04am

Mr Paracha r u sure it was Mitchell's tomato ketchup and not Ahmed ?

Khan78 Oct 11, 2013 05:15am

Malala was left by alien spacecraft that landed in swat....alien conspired

Mujtaba Oct 11, 2013 05:15am

For a moment I thought , I was reading a real news article!! Come the Pizza part, I was like, "WHAT?!" Then when you mentioned Spiderman Mask, I realized it was a satirical piece!! God!! NFP you had almost shattered some of my views there!..

mma Oct 11, 2013 05:19am

LOL.....I have lived in Poland.....Malala does not look a bit Polish ..... ROFL :))

Rajiv Nekkanti Oct 11, 2013 05:19am

@m5: Article is funny... but really had a great chuckle at m5's comments.... priceless!

das ist Oct 11, 2013 05:20am


balwanjee Oct 11, 2013 05:46am

Enjoyable chandookhana gossip. Very funny NFP.

Danish A. Oct 11, 2013 05:47am

All this shady reporting based solely on what sounds like a made up doctor. He collects patients' ear wax? Furthermore, all of this to discredit a young girl who is trying to bring Pakistan out of the dark ages. Instead of thanking her, let's put all of the effort possible into making her a white polish christian, because that will discredit her whole story. Beside the point that she looks as much Polish as Imran Khan looks Tamil (i know quite a few polish folks). This just makes me sad. Pakistanis are always trying to shift blame to somewhere else. Whether it be to Indians, Jews, Americans or just the West. Let's admit Pakistan has problems that Pakistanis created (pakistani taliban) and let's eradicate these problems. Malala makes me proud to be of Pakistani origin, I wish someday Pakistan can do the same.

Nasiroski Oct 11, 2013 06:18am

@Shahid Pervez: You need to study the history of middle east crisis before you simply put all the blame on smartness of Lawrance of Arabia and give Arabs free out of jail card, please strat with "Belfour declaration". Based on your arguments I don't know who to blame Smartness of West or Stupidity of Pakistanis.

sophie Oct 11, 2013 06:20am

I really like the Al Paccino version. The ear-wax. Too funny.

Asad Oct 11, 2013 06:59am

Looking at the number of comments people still have some doubts about Mallala story.One of them is the expediency with which they did a brain surgery in Peshawar.After that she was whisked away to CMH in Rawalpindi.Anyway its a funny write as its pretty hard to detect a race from DNA.

haroon Oct 11, 2013 07:08am

@Adnan Mohmand: You are right.A stupid Admin of some Jahaz tv has already started propagating it as evidence against Malala

shafqat Oct 11, 2013 07:25am

Dear NFP, please remember that conspiracies are the only weapon that the disempowered have.

illawarrior Oct 11, 2013 08:02am

Is the doctor being charged for stealing ear wax without permission? Which DNA gene is the Pushtun gene? Is there also a Karachi gene and a Lahore gene? What qualifications does one need to get into the Taliban's quantum physics department? I wonder if they are an equal opportunity employer.

Syed Husain Oct 11, 2013 08:11am

I absolutely loved this article, especially how it was established that the assassin was an Italian - pieces of pizza found in his ear wax. The author forgot to mention that pieces of spaghetti and some olive oil was also found in the ear wax of this assassin It is completely irrelevant how they got there. Great job by the author.

Mohammad Oct 11, 2013 08:31am

OMG...THIS WAS SO FUNNY...MADE MY DAY...I was laughing like crazy and my mom was looking at me like whats wrong with me. and than she looks at my computer screen and like whats there....hahaha

Shahid Iqbal Oct 11, 2013 08:33am

Nadeem, You would not believe me if I I tell you I received a phone call from a friend of mine from Long island, New York who informed me about the news in Dawn about Malala and conspiracy done to Pakistanis. he also defended that anything was possible. By the way my friend had been a senior executive for Citibanks and likes. It was amazing. Please insert a Disclosure that may help them to some extent to differentiate the truth from the fiction. I hope so!!! I think the word Conspiracy gives them peace of mind because it shift responsibility to others and they do not have to think.
I think the following would not be overstatement:

Unfortunately it is not that Abdul can not think unfortunately he does not what thinking is!

Anoosh Oct 11, 2013 08:37am

NFP, I loved the beginning: it caught me for a while! Great satire!

A Oct 11, 2013 08:43am

@illawarrior: Agree with you.

Advocate Bajwa Oct 11, 2013 08:45am

When you cannot convince others with your arguments, Just confuse them with your bullshit ideas. This is what Nadeem F. Paracha has done in this piece of confusingly absurd writing.

noo r fatima Oct 11, 2013 08:51am

I smell sarcasm.

Name Oct 11, 2013 08:58am

bones of dinosaur? have a look again...

IZHAR BACHA Oct 11, 2013 08:57am

@Khalid: Name a single girl who is more brave than malala.Jealousy speaks behind you.

Momi Oct 11, 2013 09:07am

loved it !!!! what a brilliant depiction of the blind followers of the conspiracy theories.

Murtaza Oct 11, 2013 09:08am

@sophie: It's robert de niro!

shujaat khan Oct 11, 2013 09:10am

Haha hilarious. Is this the same doctor who is in jail for OBL s earwax case.

Shaukat Oct 11, 2013 09:07am

@Madeeh Ur Rehman: Idiot

Shoaib Hasan Oct 11, 2013 09:13am

Good piece of humor Mr.Paracha.

Rasa AI Oct 11, 2013 09:16am

lol the dialogue part was best.....

M Asif Gul Oct 11, 2013 09:18am

"The geology division of the Taliban"....

ashtech Pakistan Oct 11, 2013 09:28am

The Story is Fake. Look at the following paragraph taken from above. It says " the DNA he extracted from the sample suggests that the girl in the hospital was not a girl at all. It was a pillow." How on earth a pillow will be giving a DNA for testing? (oops!)

SAfeer Oct 11, 2013 09:29am


Rasa AI Oct 11, 2013 09:38am

If anyone want to laugh out loud, check the comments and you will.

Aman Abduhu Oct 11, 2013 09:46am

Hahahaha what a piece of writing!!! Until now, I've got three friends requesting me to read this as well as believe in this :( instead of earwax, you could've used something funnier at least, that can help me to debate my emotional pro-Islamic friends! Now, I'm just silent and watching their tension speechless..... Kudos

mystery man Oct 11, 2013 09:49am

Awesome sattire,

anjum Oct 11, 2013 09:50am

Awesome as always. Jiyo aur aisey hee likhtey raho.wallahi. love it.

Muhammad Iqbal Oct 11, 2013 09:51am

Excellent Sarcasm, depicting the true thought process of Pakistanis.

F.Syed Oct 11, 2013 09:56am

As well written as ever Mr. Paracha! The story couldn't be explained in a better way. Great work!!

Muhammad ali jaffar khan Oct 11, 2013 09:54am

Some serious funny shit bro,spiderman and bungy jumping?hahahaha lol

Roger Eli Oct 11, 2013 10:00am

@illawarrior: Seriously mate, a huge LOL for the Department of quantum physics and if they are equal opportunity employers

DAJ Oct 11, 2013 10:01am

Tsunami mommy? That last part kinda ruined the whole thing.

Ovais Oct 11, 2013 10:07am

Rober DeNiro in Taxi Driver as a shooter............Denzal Washington also accompanied him to be act as Baloch Nationalist to sabotage Military installations in Balochistan.

Arsalan Oct 11, 2013 10:21am

@sophie: If i am not mistaken that's Robert De Niro from Taxi Driver

Dani Oct 11, 2013 10:23am

Oh my God, some people really think that it is all evidence! THIS IS MEANT TO BE FUNNY, People!! The writer wrote it sarcastically! It was a great write up, written with a perfect amount of spicy sarcasm.

haider Oct 11, 2013 10:24am

at first i said with a sigh WT* happend to NFP. Thanks God i continued to read till 2nd section. loling.

abubakar Oct 11, 2013 10:32am

@Shahid Pervez: The pervez in ur name can be from Pervez musharaf, and the shahid from shahid kapoor,, hmm you can be installed by America to check my Intellectual strength, And u know a good english, so u might be the jony English,hmmm.. too simple to judge a person.

sohail Oct 11, 2013 10:35am

Well written for its wittyness and sarcasim. I found it quite funny. A comedy drama could be made using it but then all the crew and cast will have to seek asylum in elsewhere.

Butthurt keyboard mujahid Oct 11, 2013 10:36am

@Danish A.: There is something called sarcasm buddy, you need to get a hang of it.

Ahsan R Khan Oct 11, 2013 10:40am

Tough Malala is one of the huge conspiracy, many of us don

Falak Oct 11, 2013 10:34am

Good one NFP (Y)

P.S. Next time you should write something to teach our fellow readers about true purpose of a Satire. I am sort of disturbed at reading some of the comments below.

Jobin Oct 11, 2013 10:42am

HA HA HA ..funniest story i have ever read.I would like to add that Malala is actually an alien who was introduced to earth by the VORG collective...come on people i can write a better story than this

Falak Oct 11, 2013 10:46am

Also its funny when I imagine what those readers would be telling around about Malala story who believed in the evidence presented here. :D "Malala went for bungee jumping after being shot. hahahaa..then they say Dawn shouldn't publish such articles...too good!!

M Rafique Oct 11, 2013 10:41am

NFP your storey is irrational and it seems you are being used by some one

Hassan Hakeem Oct 11, 2013 10:42am

Funny thing is people are taking it as fact!

salman Oct 11, 2013 10:44am

Make a Movie on Malala it will be a blockbuster :P

Nameless Oct 11, 2013 10:46am

I think newspaper forgot to add - all the characters are fictional n bear no resembles to any living or dead person :)

Ather Shehab Oct 11, 2013 10:55am

I condemn your contestations Mr. Piracha

Perfect Stranger Oct 11, 2013 10:56am

This year's Nobel prize goes to NFP! Oct 11, 2013 11:02am

astounding, really

Zohaib Hassan Oct 11, 2013 11:02am

Hahaha Hilarious!! but you know wts more funny? the comments! people are trying to PROVE that the evidences are insufficient and vague. OMG where do i hit my head Oct 11, 2013 11:03am


Muhammad Khalil Janjua Oct 11, 2013 11:07am

Bullship Malala is real and all incident are real what you want to prove.?

Mursaleen Javed Oct 11, 2013 11:04am

May be she is an agent but your story is hilarious..! Well, don't you start writiing. Umru ayaar and .... series.. :/

Aly Asif Oct 11, 2013 11:08am

Piza,Maskmen officer,Blood sample... So funny Mr. Paracha......

beans Oct 11, 2013 11:11am

pizza in ear wax!! wow that was a great one

khan Oct 11, 2013 11:23am

Parach sahib good piece of humour in these tense times.

Rashid Bhutta Oct 11, 2013 11:32am

Awesome sir.. you are too sarcastic :)

naushad a siddiqi Oct 11, 2013 11:34am

@JS: Yes NFP I would love to read amatching 007 story about AFIA as well soon.

Rashid Bhutta Oct 11, 2013 11:34am

@Danish A.: This is a sarcastic column

Sameer Oct 11, 2013 11:38am

I am Indian and like to eat chinese food all the time. Hope, in future if need arises, this doctor will not attend me to investigate my DNA. I am sure my nationality will surely change.

Huda Ansari Oct 11, 2013 11:34am

@m5:Great source bro, Wikipedia...

Raja Oct 11, 2013 11:47am

Nice satirical piece.

bush Oct 11, 2013 11:43am

The Italian Earwax DNA had Pizza. The Pashtun earwax DNA had Niswaar. The Polish earwax DNA remains contaminated forever with ash from Auschwitz. The Saudi earwax DNA had camel dung...

Shahroze tariq Oct 11, 2013 11:45am

This story which you are telling makes no sence. Where is the evidence for it? Stop defaming a 16 year old

Mekayel Oct 11, 2013 11:53am

@wayne persie: Lmao

Khan Oct 11, 2013 11:51am

The most comical part of article is earwax :D which Doctor in world will collect earwax of their patients seriously me :p

Humaira Oct 11, 2013 11:54am

i am no fan of her...but this surely is outrageous..!!!!! "Ear Wax" LMAO...

dr vimal raina Oct 11, 2013 11:59am

BREAKING that it has been found that the people conspiring to give Malala the Nobel Prize actually has Pushtun DNA. When Alexander came to conquer India, he met Ghori and Inzaman too came there. They had a namaz on the banks of the river Beas. To take Alexander's place a Pushtun was selected to go back and his lineage then owns the Nobel prize trust. Sir! breaking! breaking! broken! broke!!

Anwar Oct 11, 2013 12:17pm

Hard efforts have been put in to hatch a conspiracy. I like the Harry porter's story and now J.K.Rolling stands at no.2

Pakhtunkhwa Oct 11, 2013 12:16pm

People against Malala are taking NFP brilliant sarcasm literally and are ACTUALLY using it as evidence on Twitter. Like Einstein said the universe may have limits but stupidity does not.

Someone Oct 11, 2013 12:25pm

@Danish A.: Ever heard of sarcasm?

Abdullah Tayyab Oct 11, 2013 12:21pm


Arif Oct 11, 2013 12:27pm

"Taliban department of quantum physics"

I laughed so hard I nearly spilt my drink on my nostrils! This just made my otherwise bad day I was having! Thanks for it!!

Aslam Khan Oct 11, 2013 12:25pm

hahaha So Robert De NirO was the one who shot Malala On Head :). Nice Piece Of Writing. Somebody must sell this Story to Hollywood.

sara Urooj Oct 11, 2013 12:32pm

I like the pizza Particles in the ear wax. and how come the doctor has taken that shooters ear wax samples?? well those fossils are more of human like dinosours and last but not the least malala hair reveals the real identity in bungee jumping picture wow what an investigation!! the pillow was kept posing state for the picture specialy.. my goodness nice artilcle Good Luck

palwasha Oct 11, 2013 12:33pm

is tht a story, reality or what ? start of artical seems serious having a step toward self made story.........jokes

jamshhaid Oct 11, 2013 12:29pm

@haroon: Jahaz tv as it appears from name is run by some JAHAZ

sarah Oct 11, 2013 12:39pm

Haven't you guys ever read any articles from Nadeem F Paracha before? Most of his articles are sarcastic (such as this one) and I am shocked to see your responses.

Dr. Ijaz A. Qureshi Oct 11, 2013 12:40pm

Well, this is quite something! wonder what's going on. I hope it's not another artistic piece to change the mind set of millions in Pakistan. I know our Pakistani friends are still in state of denial for 911 TRAGEDY.

Rao Tahir Oct 11, 2013 12:41pm

The world and the day in which we are living, every thing is more than possible. By the way, it is a "Breaking News"

Irfan Oct 11, 2013 12:48pm

which kind of dinosaur's head wa s that??

Sohraab Oct 11, 2013 12:50pm

Too Good man....I just cant stop laughing! Thank you for such an entertaining article.

Khan Oct 11, 2013 12:57pm

hahaha !!! That was crazy !! @Tsunami_Mommy and earwax Pizza NAILED it !! NFP !! you are one amazing badass writer/blogger/columnist

khurram Oct 11, 2013 12:59pm

Good script written, EK Tha Tiger 2 can be made on it.

Irfan from Sydney Oct 11, 2013 12:57pm

What an article! It doesn't surprise me that our people are so gullible that some of them believed everything as if it is true, what surprises me most is that Imran Khan has more humor in his speeches and people believe on his fairy tales. I can imagine Imran Khan and Ayla Malik having a big laugh at a dining table at his residence discussing how he (Imran Khan) continues to pull people's legs by telling them how Talibaans are victims not the aggressors and they need an office.

Nabeel Oct 11, 2013 01:15pm

The most funny story I ever read..I think paracha sb was trying to have pizza with his ears while writing this story..:P

Mamooli Oct 11, 2013 01:18pm

@Advocate Bajwa: Are you really an "advocate" as with legal qualifications?

Musa Bajwa Oct 11, 2013 01:21pm

Sheer Brilliance!

Faryaz Oct 11, 2013 01:25pm

Its interesting but don't you feel its odd at the same time? If CIA and ISI has to plan this they could have done it quite well not like this, its just Media that has played its part, while drama is poorly staged according to you.

Sajeel Ahmad dar Oct 11, 2013 01:20pm

@sara Urooj : What I wanted to say is already be said by you ;-) Saved my time and energy Thank you ;-)

Ibrahim Shah Khan Oct 11, 2013 01:38pm

There's an element of fakeness in this, i dont know why

Amna Imran Oct 11, 2013 01:39pm

I actually thought it was true till the doctor claimed he had the shooter ear wax too, i was thinking what a weird hobby... LOL !!

Amna Imran Oct 11, 2013 01:33pm

I actually thought it was true till the doctor claimed he had the shooter ear wax too, i was thinking what a weird hobby... LOL !!

Mumtaz Bohio Oct 11, 2013 01:40pm

Hahahahahahaha. Nadeem Paracha, you are a genius. What a mockery of conspiracy-theory mongerers!

Ishfaq Hiraj Oct 11, 2013 01:40pm

@NFP , a great piece of writing to depict our state of mind

Muneer Oct 11, 2013 01:57pm

I m afraid that some day an ENT specialist may ask my parents that I am their adopted son.

ali riaz Oct 11, 2013 01:54pm

its all taliban"s foolish propaganda some fools will believe this

Illuminati Oct 11, 2013 02:01pm

Way to go, Malala :)

Mel Oct 11, 2013 02:03pm

Excellent read, couldnt stop laughing!! Keep up the great work NFP...your articles always tickle our funny bone :)

hashim khan Oct 11, 2013 02:15pm

Not true, than why the Malal,s face left side is oblique after the Incident?what is the cause please describe

hashim khan Oct 11, 2013 02:15pm

haha , wazirestan has the diamond and gold mines .......................that s why they are rich !!!

Ahmad Khan Oct 11, 2013 02:23pm

This story is based on malicious thinking.

arsh Oct 11, 2013 02:24pm

Haha who the hell does bungee jumping in swat and look at that picture it's totally fake huh


Junaid Oct 11, 2013 02:27pm


until I reached the ISI guy, I was thinking this shit is real :p

good one btw

AAmir Oct 11, 2013 02:26pm

I could not hold my self from laughing out loud.... This is hilarious yet speaking the bitter reality we face

Bastaah Oct 11, 2013 02:33pm

You Bastaahs!

Iqra Oct 11, 2013 02:28pm

finally a theory I can buy. Everything else was getting ridiculous

IrfanAcma Oct 11, 2013 02:36pm

hats off to you Paracha sb. he did a great Job really good work and see the readers comments. hahahaha

Tayyab Oct 11, 2013 02:35pm

Moral of the story ...... Clean your ears yourself and never let the wax accumulated in your ears

AK Oct 11, 2013 02:49pm


safi Oct 11, 2013 02:55pm

conspiracy theory

Owais Oct 11, 2013 03:00pm

@Muhammad Khalil Janjua: Never heard any sarcasm? Are you from Mars? ... Seriously!!

Phil Oct 11, 2013 02:58pm

All sounds legit to me. Who knew ear wax could be so useful.

Capt C M Khan Oct 11, 2013 03:03pm

"Dr. Khanzai

Mo Oct 11, 2013 03:09pm


shafqat saeed Oct 11, 2013 03:12pm

One thing that I know is that Malalai was operated in Peshawar Military Hospital. His father a Christian or Muslim was there. She underwent a long operation and the bullet removed was shown to the father and other present there also saw it. There were other girls also who were shot.

I don't think the monkey in spiderman mask is an ISI officer.... normally they don't have such big bulge at their stomach.... ha ha ha :P

Raver Oct 11, 2013 03:13pm

Why on earth did the ISI officer took to wearing a short 'spiderman outfit', and showing his bare body, to hide his identity? ROFL... :D

wada_idiot Oct 11, 2013 03:26pm

it's really funny, I enjoyed reading it :)

malang jan Oct 11, 2013 03:23pm

hahahha..... Noble Prize ather should be give to that doctor.......era wax collector...........

asad Oct 11, 2013 03:27pm

LOLX ... Malala was Bungee jumpingg ... celebrating her victory :P

Muhammad Omer Farooq Oct 11, 2013 03:30pm

Well Nadeem you must now write an article on those stupid morons who are either deliberately or due to their characterisic stupidity, projecting this article on social media as a real research piece against Malala.

Umer Sohail Oct 11, 2013 03:47pm

There's a thing called sarcasm, and it confuses idiots,

And after reading the comments I am sorry to say they are in an abundance :/

Nice work NFP, u rock! :)

I would not be surprised that a couple of hundred fb groups will be launched now just to enlighten the world with these GROUND BREAKING REVELATIONS :p

Khan Laala Oct 11, 2013 03:49pm

Hay NFP!! Please reveal the True story of Laal Masjid too but don't use the character of any Burqa Avenger else I am sure You will get bombardment of awesomely dubious responses for that too. Excellent piece of Satire and I literally sorry for those who are unable to understand this write up.

nvd Oct 11, 2013 03:56pm

And noble prize goes paracha..hahahahaha

Yousufzai Oct 11, 2013 03:58pm

This is our social dilemma to believe on all types of conspiracies. Nadeem Paracha is one of the great writer to depict reality in a satirical manner. love you sir

Indian Oct 11, 2013 04:07pm

I thought that only the dim-witted would not understand your satire. But this blogger on ibnlive has taken your satire seriously :-)

Singh Oct 11, 2013 04:02pm

Meanwhile in India

the writer thinks that this article is real -_-

Abdul Samad Oct 11, 2013 04:02pm

Man that's something really funny....cant stop laughing, hats off

Syed Saad Naeem Oct 11, 2013 04:08pm


Bill Oct 11, 2013 04:06pm

@Tayyab: lolzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Shahid Oct 11, 2013 04:18pm

It was all going good until i read the bit about the psycho doc and his ear wax collection hobby! it just got awesome afterwards ;) !! excellent work!!!

Samar Oct 11, 2013 04:24pm

Superb , there are some idiots who share this article as real revelations of Malalalala, they take u too seriously.

Huma Oct 11, 2013 04:24pm

I LOVEDDDDD IT I totally hate the Malala haters. Looks like they're suppose to hate everyone the west sides with~ even if that is humanity!!

ahmed Oct 11, 2013 04:23pm

@Shahid : he just tewist the things story is right.

Sana Oct 11, 2013 04:29pm

Bits of Pizza in the ear wax was the best! True story through and through.

sehrish Oct 11, 2013 04:34pm

i thought it wz true until i read the comments :P LOL ......thnx 4 makin' my day really funny:P

Basir Oct 11, 2013 04:35pm

Hilarious !! I initially thought "what the hell is this "!!

Very witty and well written . Its sadly a true reflection of our wider society today.

hidayat Oct 11, 2013 04:34pm

Its looks like a consiparicy theory.....

BATMAN Oct 11, 2013 04:43pm

Hope Pakistani spiderman makes himself public( khushboo lagake) & tells world about the truth of Malala drama.

Asad Oct 11, 2013 04:47pm

This sounded like an episode of South Park. Only if we had a desi version of it.

pakistani Oct 11, 2013 04:49pm

totally wrong story

Ghazal Halo Oct 11, 2013 04:52pm

amazing piece of writing it really made me feel as if it was a jolting reality that i got to know but gradually as i continued reading the story turned hilarious.. good work!!! thoroughly enjoyed reading it..

basil Oct 11, 2013 05:05pm

Taxi Driver pic was 'eye opener.

Muhammad Ali klhoja Oct 11, 2013 05:14pm

Every body finding this real story........... How you write this type of stories is really amazing...........Hats off to you for Bin laden story too

Billa Oct 11, 2013 05:24pm

I was confused when doctor proved her to be a Polish and Caucasian. Polish are certainly not Caucasians....Couldnt get more sarcastic. Awesome read

pakistani Oct 11, 2013 05:25pm

Hahaha.. it was just too good..correctly depicts the absurdity of the pakistani mindset

Hameed H Khan Oct 11, 2013 05:24pm

I am a poor christchen working in public toilets in Peshawar. The intelligence agencies have ordered me to collect people waste for DNA sampling. They fear some aliens might land on earth in the 22nd century. hahahaaaa!

alyas samson Oct 11, 2013 05:39pm

Hahaha I Have Never Ever Red This Type Of Story, Its Amazing I Personally Giving An Award To Writter For This Effort. He Deserving The Nobel Prize Instead Of Malala lol... All The Avidence Are Fake Roebrt De Nairo, And Malala's Bungee Jump Picture.

Ali Oct 11, 2013 05:46pm

Nadeem paracha proved his eligibility for the head of Intelligence services. His skills of story writting reminded me old days of ISSB test. ha ha keep it up

Ghazal Halo Oct 11, 2013 05:44pm

at first i thought i got hold of some jolting reality but latr on it just changed my views amazing work keep it up!!!

Jai Oct 11, 2013 05:54pm

Mr.Paracha is a gifted comedy writer. I fear, a lot of his sarcasm-laced writings might be taken quite literally.

Fammy Oct 11, 2013 05:54pm

The best part was dinosaur fossils; it was more like humansaurs!

KbW Oct 11, 2013 06:01pm

Funniest piece of work i ever came across

asif Oct 11, 2013 06:12pm

it may b right coz a real pakistani ca"nt do such kind of

Loyalist Oct 11, 2013 06:12pm

There is NFP's coverup of story. It was not Mitchells ketchup, it was Shezan Tomato Ketchup. You know that Qadiani (Mirzai) hand.

roosha javed Oct 11, 2013 06:11pm

Not this, but TV anchor Sana Bucha's interview with Malala before the attack could give you some beef!

shahnawaz Oct 11, 2013 06:17pm

This article was meant to be sarcastic, right..?

Belinda Oct 11, 2013 06:12pm

Wow! Robert de Niro looks so Hot!! I love him

shahnawaz Oct 11, 2013 06:15pm

Ear wax collector hobby... Caucasian polish.. Pizza in ear wax... Spiderman... Uno momento.. Bungee jumping.. Body double...? hilarious... :D Gud work nadeem, creative... :D

javed Oct 11, 2013 06:15pm

A long road to "conquer" North Waziristan.

Zain Oct 11, 2013 06:20pm

Still A Better Story Than The Official Version :-p WITH EVIDENCE :-p

Suleman Oct 11, 2013 06:29pm


Zain Oct 11, 2013 06:30pm

You Just Took It To The Next Level :D

John George Oct 11, 2013 06:28pm

I hope you realize that Press TV and a Pakistani writer by the name of Nadeem Iftikhar are running this article on their website, believing it to be true.

za Oct 11, 2013 06:30pm

That is so hilarious ,nice comedy..

Anonymous Oct 11, 2013 06:46pm

I really wish you would clearly mark this as satire so that stupid people don't go around quoting it as truth.

Gulsher Oct 11, 2013 06:47pm

Hilarious part is that ,most of people will believe it is true...As Sh. Rashed twitted the story LOL..LOL

dar aamer Oct 11, 2013 06:53pm

malala, a highly forged story

HiraFarooq Oct 11, 2013 07:09pm

Oh my goodness--what a Story--sounds like "Bourne Legacy"....loll

X Oct 11, 2013 07:42pm

Malala may be planted but investigation report is full of sketchy evidences and plot

Mamoon Oct 11, 2013 07:45pm

If you read real closely you will realize that this story has been fabricated and is a conspiracy against Malala.

ikram Oct 11, 2013 07:56pm

quite interesting work ,,,,,,,,,,,, it can work as ready made stuff for a movie full of action , suspense n drama.......

Bilal Ahmad Oct 11, 2013 08:01pm

@Mamoon: Sarcasm?

Bilal Ahmad Oct 11, 2013 08:01pm


Pakistani Oct 11, 2013 07:57pm

Drag and drop Malala bungee jumping photo in google image. You can found this is not malala. This girl is jumping in India. This is not malalalalalalalaalalalala. This is wrong story I think.

Farhan Oct 11, 2013 08:02pm

Good one NFP ! Except your satire is lost to millions of your countrymen and women who are taking this article quite literally as proof of a conspiracy, lol ! I've seen comments on fb and elsewhere. Maybe you should issue a clarification !!

ash Oct 11, 2013 08:03pm

this is the most fun I've had reading an article. It is definitely the best sitirical work I have seen. Can't stop smiling.... this author should be working for The Daily Show of Jon Stewart. Earwax...totally priceless!

Ahmad Oct 11, 2013 08:17pm


it Says:

WaqasAhmed Oct 11, 2013 08:13pm

what is the credibility of that ear wax collector?

hisham Oct 11, 2013 08:19pm

@Gulsher: People still believe that it is real story .

hisham Oct 11, 2013 08:14pm

People please read this first on top of the article "DISCLAIMER: The following article is a work of satire and fiction and in no way attempts to depict events in real life."

Mohammad Afzal Oct 11, 2013 08:14pm

@Irfan from Sydney: Looks like you moroon took it seriously....Peracha is story writer, satirist and anto moulvis....

Tariq Ehsan Oct 11, 2013 08:14pm

Good .. Satire ... I hope people are not taking it seriously .. Hahahagagahaha

Khan Oct 11, 2013 08:15pm

People need to relax and understand this article is just satire and not real. There is no conspiracy!

Mohammad Afzal Oct 11, 2013 08:21pm

@Umer Sohail: Another MOROON who took it serious...hahahahaha

zullu Oct 11, 2013 08:26pm

Awesomely awesome NFP ............ i am fed up of all sort of conspiracy theories in our beloved country.......Don't know when we will learn to give credit where it is deserved # Malala rocks # Robert De Niro rocks # NFP rocks

ed Oct 11, 2013 08:25pm

just read the story..... and the final lines are:-

Guest63 Oct 11, 2013 08:27pm

Brilliant camouflage NFP, You almost took me for a surprised ride into reality ... Without paying attention to either the disclaimer or to your name mentioned upfront , I went straight from the subject interestingly selected heading to the story line and almost believed your writing till i came to the point of " collecting earwax from my patients is my hobby " from there on the mischievous part of the writing clicked into my reading . Your article on the real story of drones last week was not so secretive as this one on malala . Keep writing dear , it helps to relieve me of my BP problem by having a heart full of laugh ...

Saayan Oct 11, 2013 08:36pm

I cant believe on people believing it and then making a fuss of it we need the rain mix with brain drain all over pakistan so it clear up the brain cells and revive them to at least new born status when it only works on instinct. GOD BLESS PAKISTAN

Hamad Ahmad Oct 11, 2013 08:46pm

enjoyed the story and the way to express it.part of last episode of this drama

Ahmed Oct 11, 2013 08:52pm

For all you simpletons (which unfortunately includes both Malala haters and supporters), it's forgivable if you aren't familiar with Nadeem F. Paracha's excellent work.

However, you can't be forgiven for ignoring the disclaimer right at the top:

DISCLAIMER: The following article is a work of satire and fiction and in no way attempts to depict events in real life.

Off course, some of you will not even know the meaning of satire, to which I say Godspeed.

Anwarul Hassan Khan Oct 11, 2013 08:52pm

I want to produce more evidences to you sir, parach

Hassan Oct 11, 2013 09:16pm

Before reading this article please read: and then you have left nothing to comment..

DISCLAIMER: The following article is a work of satire and fiction and in no way attempts to depict events in real life.

Over Burdened Employee Oct 11, 2013 09:20pm

My boss just talked about the american army being after the coal, gold stuff in Pakistan and Malala being a US agent, supporting this article as an evidence at a Dinner today :( Nadeem, what have you done!

FR Oct 11, 2013 09:33pm

Shall we laugh?

LOL Oct 11, 2013 09:33pm


Shariful Islam Rukon Oct 11, 2013 09:39pm


Aram Sarwar Oct 11, 2013 09:49pm

Hahahahahaha. A good reply to conspiracy theories... Nice drafting the whole story. I like it the why you write.

lubna Oct 11, 2013 09:57pm

who is this bigot moderator never post my comment

arsalan Oct 11, 2013 09:51pm

I think we should now shun away this conspiracy phobia that has been instilled in our minds. such like things are just a mere bluff

ayesha Oct 11, 2013 10:02pm

great job sir...

James bond Oct 11, 2013 10:06pm

We do not know what is happening around us. Who do we believe and who do we not. Malala case is unbelievable, you know, the way she escaped a bullet from a point blank range, and the way she was picked up and landed in UK. Her injury reported to life threatening but recovery was fast. this story is not less hilarious, I can tell you that Malal is not polish, because Polish people are very white and Malan do not appear to be a white girl. A good try nevertheless, we might see an amended version of the story very soon

Sheece Oct 11, 2013 10:28pm

hahahhahahahaah top secret tweeter exchange decode by a division..........and thr are still ppl nt getting satire

mahe talat abidi Oct 11, 2013 10:34pm

Dear Mr. Paracha, I read your article: Malala: The True Story. My initial reaction was anger, so much so that I managed to get Asif Noorani's phone number and called him to complain about it, I did give him a piece of my mind and told him that how can such a reputable news paper publish such fake material based on bias and conspiracy theories . I am so fed up with these conspiracy theories which circulate in Pakistani community, every bad thing which happens in Pakistan or Islamic world is the work of west. After having my say I cooled down a bit and read your story two more times, and I must admit that you are a brilliant black comedy writer: It was written so well that it really fooled me. I am not going to give any excuses for my out burst because for me Malala is a symbol of courage and she gives us some hope in these dark times. You are extremely talented, you achieved what you aimed for, I don't know how many people misunderstood your humour for real. I have never even heard of you before and that is because I don't read Pakistani news papers or watch Pakistani TV channels, I don't want my blood pressure to shoot up! You are very talented and I hope you will soon write a book and I will male sure that I read it. I

I read Oct 11, 2013 10:34pm

I read the entire article and was horrified. I couldn't believe someone had written such imaginative evidence. Then I read the writer's name and lo behold it was our NFP :D

Ursilla Anjum Oct 11, 2013 10:46pm

@mahe talat abidi: That's what makes NFP, NFP, sir. He's unique and am glad you finally cme around to the fact that it was the conspiracy theorists that he was mocking. :)

Ursilla Anjum Oct 11, 2013 10:49pm

Amazing, how NFP kept giving clear signs of this being a satire, and yet, there were those who took it seriously?

Ursilla Anjum Oct 11, 2013 10:46pm

How on earth can any person take a fat intelligent agent in a bad Spider-Man's suit, pizza in earwax, an earwax collecting doctor, an Italian hit man posing to be an Uzbek homeopath, et., etc., etc. seriously? I'm sure NFP had a ball watching so many fall for this spoof. :)

Ursilla Anjum Oct 11, 2013 10:58pm

Why only blame the right wingers for being stupid enough to take satire seriously. I know some perfectly normal liberals going all moralistic about this. They are the worst lot.

Not Jane Oct 11, 2013 11:00pm


waldmyer Oct 11, 2013 11:09pm

LOL, Taliban division of Quantum Physics, Geology and Archaeology, Priceless

Shafay Oct 11, 2013 11:10pm

@Zain: got that right bro

Peter Oct 11, 2013 11:24pm

@Not Jane:

Missing u Jane :)


Peter Oct 11, 2013 11:18pm

@Not Jane:

Missing u Jane :)


Peter Oct 11, 2013 11:22pm

wata satire.......good job

Mustafa Oct 11, 2013 11:46pm

Mustafa Oct 11, 2013 11:47pm

Malala Satire Snags Iran

Abdullah Oct 11, 2013 11:45pm

damn! it was so real to me! i loved it.

samia Oct 11, 2013 11:53pm

i wonder about italian shooter and hungrian victim on ground of pakistan hahaha that story is more fake than malala itself o.O

Jenn Oct 12, 2013 12:12am

@Mamoon: If you read the disclaimer at the top and bottom of this article you would see it is nothing more than satire which means in easy terms....fake or joke. HAHAHAHAHA relax, let your hair down and have a laugh! Sheesh!!

kdspirited Oct 12, 2013 12:21am

@James bond: Ummmm! ?????????

tung Oct 12, 2013 12:24am

@James bond:so dont knw that it was a satire

talha Oct 12, 2013 12:30am

@Ahmed: the people of pakistan are so gullible that the writer had to put up a disclaimer, and people still didnt get it!

tung Oct 12, 2013 12:25am

SATIRE! please mention SATIRE on the top of the page! people might beleive she was actually bungee jumping

TheGlobalkashmir Oct 12, 2013 12:39am

LoL I still believe its True Coz TTP quantum Physics applied on Banjee Jump :)

manuel Oct 12, 2013 12:54am

while some '' educated '' are posting this link everywhere to claim malala was just a drama

Syed Oct 12, 2013 01:00am

Damn it ! I came very near to forward this script to my Professor for my PhD research. Thanks God, I saw NFP at the bottom !

Salman Amin Oct 12, 2013 01:04am

ROFL, NFP, my man find a financier and start making short movies. A truly hilarious peice in a while...

man Oct 12, 2013 01:21am

who is malala????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

HumHeHum Oct 12, 2013 01:35am

@Tariq Ehsan: Your hopes are in drain brother :D

SiJay Oct 12, 2013 01:36am

Bwahahaha :: a doc has a hobby of collecting ear wax? LMAO ... found pizza in ear wax ... I am not even laughing .. I'm ROFLING ....... being an MD and knowing the culture .. I bet ... a majority of people would believe on this BS!

malala Oct 12, 2013 01:44am


nabeel Oct 12, 2013 02:32am

Hahahah daaaaaeeyyyyuuum!! Some one should make movie on this one #bilal lashari :D

Tauqeer Ahmad Saadi Oct 12, 2013 02:58am

I chuckled on the irony of this story especially when writer mentions the name of hired Italian American gunshooter as Robert and then picture of Robert Di Nero appears with crop hair, I was litererally broke into laughters. Great article

Junaidzm Oct 12, 2013 03:02am

You are in big trouble man. Not only is the CIA & ISI now going to hunt you down for blowing their cover but you also have batman, robin and the avengers all pissed off for not letting them be a part of this history......& yes i forgot the Green Lantern too!!!

123 Oct 12, 2013 04:09am

@Mustafa: The link about press tv is fake as well. I would recommend to investigate properly

ahmed Oct 12, 2013 04:18am

The best 'PARACHA SLAP' ever!! Thank you for that sir, Respect!

Salman Oct 12, 2013 04:24am

Shouldn't the name "Nadeem F Paracha" be disclaimer enough ??? Saw this article 2 days ago, and i dont think it had a disclaimer then.... the fact that you've had to add one (and that too TWICE!!!) is a sign that your irony was lost on quite a few..... :)

mike Oct 12, 2013 04:37am

That pic of shooter is Robert Dinero from 1970s

fake Oct 12, 2013 04:59am

hahahaha..What do you mean by ear wax!!!!

Mir Javed Talpur Oct 12, 2013 05:24am

Hahhahhah Nice..........but In future MaY SomE poinTs Basis On Realty....................... NoT Fiction Same as "Usama ...... Story in Pakistan................

Ashraful alam masum Oct 12, 2013 05:46am

@kdspirited: i messed up!

illawarrior Oct 12, 2013 06:02am

@Anonymous: It is clearly marked!

Shahid Pervez Oct 12, 2013 06:17am

@Dave: Now a days it really looks like a "news". I will go with you.

sheru Oct 12, 2013 06:50am

And that, everyone, is a how a bollywood movie is written.

Shihab Oct 12, 2013 08:09am

It's True, Thank you author to publish this

Pankaj Oct 12, 2013 08:33am

ahh.. I didn't need to see De Niro's pic to find it was satire ! Taliban's quantum physics division was enough for that ! and I am sure there was no disclaimer in beginning!

Pankaj Oct 12, 2013 08:30am

@Ahmed: it was there when we read for the first time. So many people can not be expected to ignore it !

naveed Oct 12, 2013 08:34am

wow u made fool almost everyone Great seems from comments that few dint read complete article..

Aamir Oct 12, 2013 09:03am

excellent ...... hehehehe..... thanks god i read the disclaimer otherwise.... i dont know what ?!?!? :D

Munawar Hassan J.I Oct 12, 2013 10:08am

@James bond . Dont insult the name " James Bond " . because even in their worst , those characters will never be as idiot as you . No doubt , Malala story is beyond scope of people like you who are only good for believing the propaganda of right wing parties and unable to understand a satire like this article .

Rahul Oct 12, 2013 10:15am

Brilliant..................hahahahahahaha " girl in the hospital was not a girl at all. It was a pillow." hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!! now it all makes sense!

Uzair Oct 12, 2013 10:21am

lol..not an article bt a good script for a short film.....

Saeed Ur Rehman Siddiqui Oct 12, 2013 10:43am

@Uzair: Lets get this right Malala Yousafzai raised her voice for the educational rights of girls in Swat, Pakistan! World wide belief is that she was shot in the head by Talibans for championing education rights for girls, after the incident Malala becomes a universal celebrity, her whole family moves to UK her father over night becomes the employee to the Pakistan High Commission in UK, her friends are taken to UK for better education and luxurious life which they would not have had in Swat, Now the point to be made is the girls of swat and other rural areas of Pakistan are still at the same point where they were, no improvement is in existence for the fundamental right to education or freedom, nothing practical has been done for them but Malala Yousafzai and her family have certainly benefited from all this drama! Million of innocent girls and kids are killed daily all of them die with equal hopes and dreams but sadly here media, international organizations, government officials or celebrities become blind and deaf ! So, why MALALA????? Until now after her incident what changes has she been able to bring into the lives of the girls in Swat besides the good changes in her own life and that of her family's! Come on people wake up!

jia Oct 12, 2013 11:11am

mitchel's toamato ketchup o.O

S.Mohsin Oct 12, 2013 11:17am

these are our failure,s that when any sincere pakistani work good, or keep thinking better for pakistan we start to investigate about that person... Malala is the daughtar of a brave nation and we should proud on her

@shaikh Oct 12, 2013 11:51am

Jane = malala = gul makai... one girl three names. heehehehehe.....

Ali Oct 12, 2013 11:54am

I am surprised Dawn can publish something like this? I am afraid if my earwax is also available. The doctor is smart, he keeps every ones earwax.

Quantum physics division of Taliban? Wow... And a blond girl, bunjee jumping, Swat? Wow...

Spider man? Cool....

Bijutoha Oct 12, 2013 12:01pm

DISCLAIMER: The above article is a work of satire and fiction and in no way attempts to depict events in real life. this is impotent for this Article . You should place this line on starting point .

Khalid Khalil Oct 12, 2013 12:08pm

@Saeed Ur Rehman Siddiqui: such views show the desire to divert the attention from the severity of the crime by taliban, who, like traditional and isolated tribal people, detest modern education, especially for women. Even the worst barbarians do not raise hands over women and children. Malala is praised as a symbol of desire of the girls to be educated, that has attracted attention of world towards the issue

Mansoor Mahmud Oct 12, 2013 01:34pm

the best part

@Tsunami_Mommy Shup ut fake liberalz fascist agents IK is best you bastaaas NA250 rigging 1 billion fake liberalz votes anti-Pakistan anti-Islam inshallah Nya Bakistan tabdeeli

Sheena Oct 12, 2013 01:41pm

@Saeed Ur Rehman Siddiqui: Sir, Can you please tell us, What our politicians have done after getting the government by our votes; Nothing !! and we are expecting a young girl to influence specially world leadership for doing something for us. It's always "HOPE" that a person inclined towards someone and build expectations, same is happening here. People are looking towards Malala who now has become an icon of peace, courage and child education. Have you found anything wrong with her motives; apparently nothing so why you think so negative. She is gradually moving towards her defined goals. Please be positive about her I know it is difficult for each Pakistani after being hurt by expectations every time.

Irshad Haqqani Oct 12, 2013 01:48pm

You can be a great novelist, trust me

Danish Khan Oct 12, 2013 03:19pm

duh!!!! What the !!! hahahahaha :D

Aamir Oct 12, 2013 03:35pm

sir this is brilliant. thoroughly enjoyed it. looking forward to more stuff from u

shaber Oct 12, 2013 03:59pm

@waldmyer: who is malala???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Irfan from Sydney Oct 12, 2013 04:04pm

@Mohammad Afzal: You are such a ninny you can

waqar azeem Oct 12, 2013 04:05pm

Though it is a piece of fiction, but as our nation loves to believe that whole world is conspiring against Pakistan and nothing else to do, i have seen dozens of people on Facebook really believing about this Malala as european girl and blah blah written in this column. i myself was astonished to know that very educated people didnt bother to read the whole column and understand that it is a Tanz o Mazah (comedy and taunt lols) and they were believing it. i have dozens of sharing on facebook and twitter. thats great on part of Dawn, that they have mentioned DISCLAIMER in the top, but our conspiracy theory believers might not read it. so sad...

Muhammad Oct 12, 2013 04:28pm

@Khalid Khalil: What about the killing of innocent Pukhtoon childer women old and weak elders

Amjad Miandad Oct 12, 2013 04:42pm

Hats off :)

That's the better one. I like your style and approach :)

robert Oct 12, 2013 04:58pm

i think this is the most wierd story i have ever listened. and now y you are leaking this information. and what do you think that a bunch of amatures are going to expose the covert operation of CIA and ISI

Ali Aftab Memon Oct 12, 2013 05:00pm

A lovely way to ride the Malala wagon Mr Paracha. Particularly the heading, its quite catchy and scandalous. I agree with some comments, that the disclaimer should have been at the beginning. You of all the people know how Malala is disliked by a lot people who envy the respect she's gained from the country and the world. I have heard a lot people say things to discredit Malala. You have given them fodder (though your intent was not to do so), And believe me I know you had no intent and would say that the article clearly is a work of fiction but these things are always twisted by specific groups of people.

nAEEMsYED Oct 12, 2013 05:02pm

Nadeem F Paracha is a brilliant writer would request him to please investigate and give us his version of the two major scandals, Fake Degree and the monumental task of stuffing fake ballots into ballot boxes. This would be hilarious.

Erum Oct 12, 2013 05:06pm

This article has a whooping 41k 'likes' and 2000-plus tweets. Has to be a record of some sort.

Patel Oct 12, 2013 05:07pm


Ateek Sheikh Oct 12, 2013 06:23pm

Popularity of this blog shows How desperate we are to declair this as "Fake" event.

P.s Still waiting to be Declaired as "FAKE"

ihtesham ahmad Oct 12, 2013 06:32pm

People please calm down. this is mere a fictional work. READ THE' ''DISCLAIMER'' at the beginning and end.

Anwar kamal Oct 12, 2013 07:44pm

Invention or discover?

Bilal Tahir Oct 12, 2013 07:55pm

@Shaukat Basit:may be i was. cause i never read an article from him. Just read all the comments. apologies for my idiotic comments :)

haroon javed Oct 12, 2013 08:01pm

You guys have proved that how it is easy to fool you. The writer is just trying to test our attitude of accepting information without using our minds. Don't you guys, read disclaimer. But there is some thing fishy about Malala Case. If west is giving so much importance to a Pakistani then would be a great agenda behind it. The elite class who handles all the proceeding of world most prestigious institutions don't give a shit to any one without any purpose.

Hassan Javaid Oct 12, 2013 07:59pm

Just what us Pakistanis want to hear about Malala..... brilliantly put together....couldn't control my laughter while reading it.

MAT Chaudhry Oct 12, 2013 09:19pm

I would like to learn the method of intercepting twitters messages! LOL!! Great work Nadeem Paracha

atif Oct 12, 2013 09:27pm

I think lots of people who are commenting here have no idea what's a DISCLAIMER :)

Elaine Thompson Oct 12, 2013 09:45pm

Why would anyone read past bits of pizza in ear wax? But, I did. By the way, Malala IS caucasion.

Editor at Oct 12, 2013 10:40pm

Disclaimer: No one in Pakistan reads/considers disclaimers.

Editor at Oct 12, 2013 10:35pm

@Ali Aftab Memon: It recently rained in Karachi. No doubt a river of some sort has been formed. Go cry a river.

Devil Oct 12, 2013 10:40pm

DNA extraction Kit, Spiderman and Dinosaur bones .... where do you get these pics from .... ekdam Hilarious ... sir, your writings are just too good !! Thanks for such work !!

Marina Oct 12, 2013 11:49pm


Nayyar Rashid Oct 13, 2013 12:15am

@haroon javed: i agree with you Sir, but no one will here will agree.... nothing is what it seems or seems what it is

A Soldier in NW Oct 13, 2013 01:00am

May Allah blessings be with you, you are a brave man and a true pakistani, NFP we love you

Khurram Butt Oct 13, 2013 04:14am

you are such a superb fiction writer. the way you generate the tweets and decode them, awesome. I suggest you to start some detective series, you will be a billionaire soon.

aamir Oct 13, 2013 06:11am

@Editor at Some do

rightthinker27 Oct 13, 2013 06:43am

Hats off to the ear wax collector !

rightthinker27 Oct 13, 2013 06:40am

Where is the earwax museum !

Saad Oct 13, 2013 08:49am


Asad Oct 13, 2013 09:11am


Qazi Hassan Oct 13, 2013 09:13am

Read this for more fun. Oops I think this guy was serious, not joking like you.

Qazi Hassan Oct 13, 2013 09:15am

@Devil: I think he gets his ideas from Daily Ummat. lol. Every satirist should read this newspaper when they run out of funny ideas.

Jahangir Ahmed Oct 13, 2013 10:21am

I like officers' uniform

Sher Ghazi Oct 13, 2013 11:13am

@atif: Yes they missed to read that. that's why they are serious.

Haider Oct 13, 2013 02:10pm

Nadim Bhai don't you dare to think that your are the only one cracking this case, there 90% Pakistanis geniuses already knew the truth including Imran Khan and our PM, CM & CJ

Hafeez Ahmad Oct 13, 2013 02:16pm

NFP, we heartily enjoy your work. In the dreary world of Pakistani journalism and conspiracy theorists, your words are a pleasure to read.

x-man Oct 13, 2013 05:30pm

did I just read a JOKE? o.O

Anita Turab Oct 13, 2013 06:10pm

This is the funniest story I've read in the longest time.

nightowl Oct 13, 2013 08:06pm


Zia Uddin Oct 14, 2013 12:29am

I really amused when i saw bones of dinosaurs collected from Wazirstan. You have discovered the missing links of evolution, Richard Dawkins would be very thankful to you.

Shahmir Hassan Oct 14, 2013 12:58am

Brilliant !!

A high class taunt.

Mohammed Shuaib Sheikh Oct 14, 2013 01:15am

Funny but far too long. By the way I know it is a satire but Sawat is out of bounds for journalists. The author could have said that he went to Sawat in military uniform.

Nobi Oct 14, 2013 08:17am


Jahanzaib Oct 14, 2013 02:13pm


But gues what? Some peopletl even think all this is true and are using this articcle as an evidence to prove Malala an agent.

My friend gave me the link and said " ye dekh, chup kar k parh aur ab Malala Malala na Kari. Wo agent ha"

yousafhaque Oct 14, 2013 08:01pm

@Qaiser:::Malala along with her parents is also a credit to entire nation.Those simpletons who think/say that she is going around 'exposing the secrets' of her people,don't know that west knows about us much more than we do about ourselves.The same intricate know-how about us which enabled the British to rule over us for some 100 years,before they did 'trade' with us for over 100 years

Muhammad Ahmad Oct 14, 2013 09:32pm

I reject the whole story, how a Polish girl by birth can Pushato so fluently. I think you must have to stop writing these kinds of stuffs.

Mehwish Oct 14, 2013 10:42pm

but still one thing is confusing why was all this planned? I mean what do CIA and ISI got after this fake operation?

Shahids Oct 14, 2013 10:41pm

Shame on you Nadeem F. Paracha and shame on Dawn for letting this rubbish published; this is the lowest you have ever gone.

ejaz Oct 14, 2013 10:51pm


Pervez Oct 14, 2013 11:25pm

what Malala!! All fake...

shahab Oct 14, 2013 11:33pm

@Mohammed Shuaib Sheikh: iam the residence of swat and i beleive in this story .. swat is not beyond the reach of jounalist..... every one in swat know the truth

AB Oct 14, 2013 11:31pm