Asif Ali Zardari:

Wealthy salesman for Bata Shoes. Recently got a shoe thrown at him by a dissatisfied customer.

Army:

Pakistan’s largest political party. Has ruled the most without ever contesting an election. Has a wonderful tradition of coming in swinging a danda, then running out waving a white flag. Enjoys great support among the chattering classes across the country’s drawing-rooms.

America:

A very fattening beef burger which dietitians hate but can’t avoid.

Altaf Hussain:

A loud Punjabi film actor playing the role of a Mohajir politician. Also likes to wear very tight pajamas. Says they keep his weight in check. It doesn’t show, though.

Awami National Party (ANP):

A Pukhtun nationalist party which speaks a different dialect of Pushtu than the dialect used by the Taliban. For example, the word ‘democracy’ when said by ANP is mistaken to mean ‘kill me’ by the Taliban. So they keep killing ANP people believing that’s what they keep asking them to do.

ARWhy News:

A jewelry-business-turned-TV-channel that deals in rare pearls and jewels of wisdom: i.e. Shahid Masood and Aamir Liaquat.

Ahmadiyya:

A race of mutant aliens living quietly in Pakistan and whose existence only becomes known when they are either killed, attacked or bullied by righteous Pakistani Muslims.

Babar Awan:

A creepy looking politician who is planted in the PPP by a sinister underground cult organization that awaits the resurrection of Ziaul Haq.

Bhutto Family:

A political dynasty whose members are labeled as witches and sorcerers when alive but as saints and saviors after they die.

Breaking News:

Small news with big music.

Daily Jangju:

War. Conflict. Clash. Quarrel. Squabble. Profit.

Fundamentalism:

Fun according to mental people.

Fauzia Wahab:

A very boisterous lady who shouts loud little nothings until she goes from being Fauzia to Nauzia.

Fazalur Rheman:

A walking talking stomach.

Fatima Bhutto:

An angst-ridden fictional character on the famous TV soap-opera, ‘Bold and the Bhuttoful.’ Also appears in the racy novelization of the soap, ‘Songs of Blood Sword, Gore & My Furry Lil’ Teddy Bear,’ where she appears as a 3-year-old peace activist of the pacifist organization called Al-Zulfikar run by her equally peaceful and pacifist father, Murtaza Bhutto.

Hamid Gul:

Senility mistaken as nobility.

Hudood Ordinance:

A law enacted by ameer-ul-momineen Hazrat Ziaul Haq to stop women from breathing too loudly because that could distract pious Muslim males from doing good works like flogging, stoning, killing ‘kafirs,’ and discussing the divine merits of keeping a beard.

Any woman caught under the Hudood law or even seen slightly moving her nostrils while breathing is to be arrested, flogged, stoned and told about the divine merits of keeping a beard.

Imran Khan:

A middle-aged man who played cricket as if he was a politician and is doing politics as if he is was a cricketer. Also, he just can’t get himself to denounce Islamic extremists. He insists Hugh Grant is a bigger threat.

Jamat-i-islami:

A political party formed twelve hundred years ago in Baghdad during the Abbasid period.

It was rudely transported to the 20th century by an evil Jew jinn through a time traveling devise. Since then the Jamat has been stuck here, wanting to go back twelve hundred years to its own time. But the only problem is, it wants to take the whole country back with it as well.

Jemima Khan:

A very rich white woman who had a serious dislike of late Benazir Bhutto because Bhutto was almost as rich but not white enough.

Javedie Chaurdhr:

(See John The Baptist).

Kashmala Tariq:

A very pretty lady. And petite too.

Kamlan Khan:

A good example of how much good lots of mouth foam and spit can do to one’s career as a talk-show host. Always wanted to call his TV show ‘The Wrath of Khan’ instead of ‘Aaj Kamlan Khan Kay Saath’. But the owner of Peo TV, Captain James T. Kirk, refused; even though Kamlan insisted he had Klingon ancestry.

Kashmir:

A very confused map that looks one way to the Indians and another way to the Pakistanis.

Kalashnikov Culture:

An indigenous and prominent side of the Pakistani culture in which men use the AK-47 for everything ranging from fighting gang wars to firing in the air to celebrate election victories, weddings, new years eve and baby showers. Some Pakistani men have also been known to pick their teeth with an AK-47 after a hearty meal.

Klashif Abbasi:

A very rowdy mother-in-law.

Lashkar-e-Tayba:

Men who pick their teeth with AK-47’s. They burp a lot as well. Very loudly.

Muttahida Qaumi Movement (MQM):

A gathering of men who like to wear very tight pajamas. They also like to gather in large numbers in front of a telephone set every now and then.

Marvi Memon:

Marvi is to politics what Veronica was to Archie.

Muttahida Majlas-e-Amal (MMA):

A high-fat, asli ghee variant of M&Ms.

Mehe Bukhar:

A woman with the ability to say ‘duh’ the most loudly. Also says other things but not so convincingly.

Nawaz Sharif:

Former Lahore phelwaan (wrestler) and meat-eater who gave up wrestling and meat and became a khajoor-loving peacenik in the liberal and freewheeling country of Saudi Arabia. Returned to Pakistan with long hair and flowers in his hair. This greatly disappointed his meat-eating friends like Rana Sannullah, Ahsan Iqbal and Khwaja Rafique who lamented the fact that their ex-phehelwan buddy had become a sissy. “Where’s the beef, Mian Sahib?” They asked him. “The beef’s in the peace, mutt-heads,” he replied. This made Peo TV very sad which asked its employee, Hamid Mir, to donate some of his own fat to Mian Sahib so he could rediscover the wonders of meat. Now every time Mian Sahib’s cholesterol hits a peak, he can be heard saying things like, “no more friendly opposition;” which makes Peo TV very happy. And fat.

Nasim Tehra:

Human species of the cat family.

Pakistan Peoples Party (PPP):

(See Bhutto Family).

Pakistan Muslim League-Nawaz (PML-N):

(Don’t see Mohammad Ali Jinnah).

PawnNews:

An English TV news channel broadcasting in Urdu. Or something like Urdu.

Pawn:

A sun-dried sheet of paper used by very young writers, such as Ardeshir Cowasjee.

Pakistan Muslim League-Quaid (PML-Q):

(Can’t see Whatever)

Parvez Musharraf:

Someone my niece knows from Facebook.

Pakistan Thereek-e-Insaaf (PTI):

A political party which is always facing reverse swing in elections.

(See also Imran Khan).

Peo News:

A very objective, balanced and fair TV news channel which knows that the world is round but gives the largest voice and platform in Pakistan to people who claim that it is flat. However, since the world is flat bit gets Peo the most viewers and sponsors, some of its employees have actually started to believe that indeed the world is flat. And man never walked on the moon; and the Taliban are just a figment of the wild imagination of the liberals; and the recent tragic floods are actually due to the ‘sazish’ of India, Afghanistan, Papua New Gunnie and the Ahmadiyyas; and that Elvis is still alive and living somewhere in the President House in Islamabad.

Politicians:

A breed of people who are nurtured and raised as punching bags for the Army, the media and bored urban middle-class folks to vent out their frustrations and practice their latest karate chops on. And, oh, of course, politicians are the only ones in this otherwise glorious and pious country who are corrupt and should be held accountable. The rest are obviously saints.

Pervez Ilahi:

Man who couldn’t be king.

Quaid-e-Azam:

Famous Islamic warrior who fought the evil forces of Christianity, Judaism and Hinduism to create a muscular Islamic republic based on the laws of the sharia, sunnah and Saudi aid. He was also a great visionary who rightly predicted that his martyrdom will inspire the birth of other great Islamic warriors like Ziaul Haq, Hamid Gul, Rana Sannaullah, Mulla Omar and Inzimamul Haq.

Rana Sanaullah:

PML-N politician who eats a lot of raw meat and uses a wrought iron bicycle handlebar as a mustache to prove he’s a man. Also likes to hold hands and go for long walks with members of extremist organizations. (See also Mutt-Head).

Sansar Abbasi:

A newspaper reporter who spends all his time on TV. Whines a lot as well. Actually has jet black hair and beard, but uses grey hair dye to look wise and respectable, doesn’t work.

Sunni Muslims:

Muslims who fly too close to the sun.

Shia Muslims:

Muslims who only come out when there’s a solar eclipse.

Shahid Nasood:

A papaya who when affected by a rare strain of Congo fever turned into a man who when affected by a rare strain of dengue fever turned into a talk-show host who when affected by a rare strain of Zardari-tus went bonkers!

Taliban:

Cuddly teddy bears that have caused damages and deaths worth billions of dollars in Punjab and Khyber-Pukhtunkhwa but now want to give $20 million dollars to the flood victims in the Punjab and Khyber-Pakhtunkhwa. Their grudge is why the floods are killing all these Pakistanis. It should be them doing all the killing.

Wamid Mir:

Mian Nawaz Sharif’s bodyguard.

Waxpress 24/7:

An Urdu TV news channel broadcasting in English. Or something like English.

X-rated:

TV shows that can morally and politically damage young minds. Example: ‘Zalim Online,’ ‘Meray Muta-bak-bak,’ ‘Brastarps,’ ‘Nadia Can’t Show,’ etc.

YouTube:

The website from where scholars like Allama Ali Azmat gets all his knowledge, wisdom and insights from.

Zalim Liaquat:

Also known as Al-Casanova-wal-Yemeni, Zalim is a politician-turned-televangelist who specializes in reciting naats, promoting religious harmony, and burning custom-made statuettes of the Hindu goddess Kali. Is a passionate advocate of illiteracy because he believes that modern education is the work of Satan - and bad for his TV show’s ratings. Is a fan of designer shirvanees that are gifted to him by his tableeghi friend, Maullana Junaid Jamshed, who himself can’t fit into the shirvanees anymore due to the mandatory protruding paunch a tableeghi must have!

Ziaul Haq:

Famous star of various Lollywood kung-fu movies such as, Jaw of Death; The Grin Reaper; Enter The Mujahid; Judo Hudood; When Hairy Met Belly; and the The Blue Lagoon.

The views expressed by this blogger and in the following reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of the Dawn Media Group.