Nosheen Abbas considers why an increasing number of young couples are opting for divorce.
Marriage remains the hottest topic in Pakistan. It impacts our drawing room conversations, the stalker-like interest an aunty takes in you, and even our advertising, which usually depicts women enjoying the epic victory of bagging a man once they’ve turned a few shades paler. In reality, marriage is not faring as well as it used to in this part of the world. One has to wonder, how have women who previously had fewer choices been able to manage the balancing act of husband, in-laws and life?
There are no updated statistics on the divorce rate available in Pakistan, but we can safely say that it is lower than the developed world, where the rate has gone beyond 52 per cent. However, based on anecdotal evidence, it seems divorce is not as uncommon in Pakistan as it used to be. On a number of occasions, I’ve heard people talking about women who took a bold stance and ended a bad marriage as well as couples who mutually decided they didn’t want to spend the rest of their lives together.
Either way, the divorce rate seems to be rising probably because the younger lot refuse to remain in unhappy unions – women are getting more empowered and they feel more confident about ending abusive or unfulfilling relationships. One of the problems for modern-day women is also that marriage is considered a ‘transfer’ of sorts, in which the girl is married ‘into’ the boy’s family. Some consider this to be a normal part of our tradition and culture while others think of it as a repulsive prospect that makes women feel helpless.
Recently, my friends and I got into a long, late-night discussion about marriage. Someone began talking about a girl who got divorced after she received a rejection via SMS text message from her husband of just about one month. We discussed why a marriage might fall apart so quickly and found ourselves starting right at the beginning. Why, after all, do young men and women agree to enter that hybrid contract, popularly known as a ‘love arranged marriage.’
We all agreed that girls face a lot of pressure from their families and society at large to tie the knot. As one friend put it, ‘marriage is more of an exit strategy from the stress at home.’ The desire to have freedom often prompts women to choose incompatible partners.
Another friend pointed out that Pakistani men have very high and contradictory expectations of their young brides. ‘I’ve known so many desi boys who are educated, but want a lovely, subservient and shareef wife. They marry girls who are educated, well spoken and well dressed, but then place a thousand restrictions on them. A lot of girls now refuse to put up with this sort of treatment,’ my friend elaborated.
As the debate continued, many of us acknowledged the issues that arise when young couples have to deal with their families and in-laws, leaving little time for the new bride and groom to adjust to each other. One friend pointed out that this problem is easily countered if a woman finds her husband and in-laws to be supportive, ‘it’s likely that she’ll feel like she belongs.’ Another friend, on the other hand, felt as if the only way to deal with family interference is by escaping: ‘I’ve told my dad that when I get married, I’m going to go away with my wife to complete a master’s degree,’ he said. ‘That way, we’ll get time together away from family which will help us solidify our relationship before we’re completely immersed in domestic politics back at home.’
In addition to these problems, there are innumerable other reasons why couples might opt for divorce. Arguments tossed up by my friends included the new wave of individualism, women’s economic empowerment, higher expectations from both partners, joint family living, meddling in-laws, abusive men, pickier women, lack of chemistry and the difficulty for those who have been raised in a more liberal setting to adapt to conservative standards.
Ultimately, we all agreed that whether it’s a love or arranged marriage, marriage is the biggest gamble of life.
