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The exposition

Published Dec 23, 2012 12:18am

— Illustration by Abro

Almost two years ago Osama bin Laden was supposedly killed. Do the silly Americans think that we actually believe the lies they are spreading about his tragic murder and his demeaning burial at the sea?

We being true Muslims and card-carrying/bomb-making/McDonald’s-clomping leaders of the ummah can’t be fooled.

There was no Osama in that compound in Abbottabad. The Americans killed a look-alike of Osama. The real Osama died of gall-bladder failure in a bush in Sudan in 2002.

What’s more, his wives who were supposedly captured from the Abbottabad compound too were look-alikes, and so were his children. They were all look-alikes.

But it doesn’t stop here. Us Pakistanis know that the news about Osama’s death from gall-bladder ailment in Sudan in 2002 is also suspect.

That guy too was a look-alike. So, yes, it can safely be suggested that the guy they killed in Abbottabad in 2011 was actually a look-alike of a look-alike.

So when did Osama die if not in 2002 or 2011?

According to a super famous journalist and TV anchor, Tipu Sultan, who interviewed Osama in an impoverished disco in Kandahar in 1998, Osama was actually dead at the time of the interview.

He said that that the guy he talked to was actually a man called Al-Bakir Al-Shaikh Al-Qaedawallah, an expert Elvis-turned-Osama-look-alike who told him (off the record) that Osama actually died in 1991 of malaria in the jungles of the Republic of Congo.

Nevertheless, there is every likelihood that the Congo guy was an Osama look-alike as well. So, in other words, the guy who the Americans claimed to have killed in Abbottabad was really a look-alike of a look-alike of a look-alike of a look-alike.

Nevertheless the actual truth is that there was never an Osama. He was never born. It was all an American concoction.

The character of Osama Bin Laden was first conceived by America’s 15th President James Buchannan in 1859 when along with the Queen of England he decided to begin a brand new crusade against the Muslims.

According to well-known Muslim historian and gymnast, Naseem Hijazi, the British monarchy had accused a man called Osama Bin Laden for financing and instigating the 1857 Indian Mutiny against the British imperialists.

The Americans and the British then claimed to have suppressed the mutiny by killing Osama in a daring raid. He was claimed to have been hiding in the hookah cafe of the last Mughal king, Bahadur Shah Zafar.

Zafar denied the accusations, saying that no such man was seen on his radar. The British exiled Zafar to Burma and destroyed the radar, saying there is no such thing as a radar.

By the way, the guy the British claimed was Zafar was not exiled to Burma. He was only a look-alike. The real Zafar died of dengue fever in Guatemala where he had gone to raise an army against the British and study plants. Famous thinker and horticulturalist, Noam Chomsky, confirmed this.

This concocted episode was rightly expunged from the history books by Muslim historians, until America brought the invisible Osama character back to life in the 1990s.

They had originally planed to use him as a bogey to invade Canada, but changed their plans and decided to invade Afghanistan after they got jealous of all the amazing and unprecedented economic, cultural and military progress taking place in Afghanistan (under the Taliban) and Pakistan (under handsome military men).

Thus, not surprisingly, the 9/11 episode happened. We all know who was responsible. Not a single Jew died in that attack.

Neither did any Hindus, Christians, Sikhs, animists and pagans.

The truth is, only Muslims died in that attack. The proof? Simple. Log on to YouTube and check out brilliant, award-winning documentaries, ‘Loose Nut’ and ‘The Drivels.’ Popcorn’s on the house.

There was never any Osama Bin Laden. Just like there is no Mulla Omar, no Taliban, no Al-Qaeda. They’re all American concoctions. There’s only Coca-Cola the real thing.

Furthermore, America never won the war against the Soviet Union. The Soviet Union’s breakup too was a concoction. Soviet Union is still alive and thriving.

We don’t hear about it is because the Jewish controlled media has blocked all news about the Soviet Union. That is because the Afghan and Arab mujahideen that fought against it, liberated Afghanistan and conquered Soviet Union turning it into an Islamic caliphate. That’s why America’s next target will be Valdimir Putin (real name Abdul Something).

So if one day you hear that Americans have assassinated Putin, don’t believe it. The real Putin died of a kidney ailment in 1045 AD.

The Zardari government should’ve resigned for letting America make a fool of Pakistanis even though at the same time it be praised for saving our souls and faith by banning YouTube.

The Army is not to be blamed. The radar that failed to pick up American helicopters on May 2 was not a radar. It was a look-alike of the real thing that the Americans didn’t give us. Only the mighty Hamid Gul hinted at this while picking his nose. It was a sign: ‘Dig deep, dear patriots. You have nothing to lose but your heads.’

Well said, Gul (real name Genghis), because after all, who needs heads when knees can perform the same function.