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World of the news

November 15, 2012

Man fires gun at website, then turns the gun on his avatar and commits virtual suicide

Lahore: A man shot at a website and then turned the gun on his avatar that he was using on the site’s discussion forum.

Police said the man, 26-year-old, Arif Hamid, is a resident of DHA Lahore who was incensed by the website, accusing it of running content that was against his faith. The man was arrested while his avatar’s body was sent for post-mortem.

The website, ‘Let Us Body-Build Pakistan,’ was unhurt, but the laptop that the man was using was badly mutilated.

However, PML-N leader and Chief Minister of Punjab, Mian Shahbaz Sharif, promised to gift a free laptop to the man. The gesture is a part of his party’s on-going scheme to hand out laptops to angry young men with a penchant to create world records for singing the Pakistani national anthem while doing a thousand cartwheels in less than a minute. This is something that Sharif believes will be beneficial to the country’s struggling economy.

After Arif Hamid was arrested and taken to a police station, he was allowed to speak to a group of reporters. Talking to them while holding a broken computer mouse in his hand, Hamid said: ‘Oh these fools Jew peoples insult holy men and child of true faith on Friday after Friday sometimes Saturday morning playing with emotion of true faithfuls liberal fascist US servants Kill Bill PTI Tsunami change bringing coming Zindabad …!’

After hearing this, Shahbaz Sharif cancelled his order of giving the man the free laptop and ordered the Punjab police to start criminal proceedings against him. He added that if the need arises, the man should be hanged from a lamppost.

‘Imran Khan’s PTI is the country’s biggest terrorist organisation and most corrupt party,’ Sharif told media personnel while watching hundreds of young Pakistanis create a world record by making the world’s biggest hairpiece that will be placed on the head of Mr. Sharif’s 70-ft statue at his Raiwind home.

Meanwhile, the owner of the website, Mr. Nick Anonymous, a Pakistani Buddhist living in Rangoon, Burma, blamed anti-Buddhist journalists and outfits for using Arif Hameed as a proxy to proximate promiscuous patriotic pomposity against Pakistani Buddhists.

Talking to this reporter from Rangoon, Mr. Nick Anonymous (his real name) said: ‘Our site might have been shot at, but our spirit to expose anti-Buddhist terrorism of the proximate promiscuous pompous patriot proxies will continue.’

On the other hand, while responding to Shahbaz Sharif’s statement, PTI chief, Imran Khan, commented that Arif Hamid’s avatar might be gone, but there is a tsunami of avatars and nicks still out there ready to change the fate and face of Pakistan.

‘They are all over,’ Mr. Khan’s statement said. ‘They are called trolls and all kinds of obnoxious and abusive things by corrupt politicians and liberal scum, but they’ve shown great restrain by not stooping down to the level of their accusers.’

Charged and inspired by Khan’s statement, his supporters responded by making #DeathToSlimyLiberalPigs trend heavily on Twitter.

Till the filing of this report, Arif Hamid had been refused bail but his avatar was buried on the internet by PTI supporters on CelebrityGraves.Com between the virtual graves of American rock star, Jim Morrison, and the grave of an innocent Islamist militant killed in an American drone attack.

Expressing his satisfaction, Arif Hamid thanked his supporters and tweeted (from behind bars): ‘Oh you thank you Muslim ummah Jim Bhai hates Jew drones avatar rest in piece with Muslim mujahid tsunami coming DeathToSlimyLiberalPigs …’


Pakistan to launch its own video-content site to counter YouTube

Islamabad: On Tuesday November 13, Interior Minister, Rehman Malik, announced the launch of Pakistan’s own video-content website.

At a launch ceremony held at a local hotel in Islamabad, and also attended by the chief of Jamat-i-Islami (JI) Munwar Hassan, head of the Jamiat Ulema Islam (JUI), Maullana Fazalur Rehman, and the youth wings of Imran Khan’s PTI and PML-N, Rehman told the gathering that the site was launched to counter the anti-Muslim hate content on YouTube and against those who were uploading such content.

Rehman said the Pakistani site is going to be called YouB***tards and will be squarely used to counter those who were bent upon insulting Muslims on YouTube.

Much of the funding for the project has come from Pakistani workers living in oil-rich Arab countries, but Rehman informed reporters that funding for the project was also raised by all those brave Pakistanis who demolished cinemas, shops and banks and looted ATM machines during the recent protests against an anti-Islam film on YouTube.

‘Much of the looted ATM money and chairs from Bambino and Nishat cinemas were donated to the project,’ Rehman happily added.

‘We politicians may differ on various trivial issues like terrorism, economy and crime, but here we are all on the same page,’ he said.

He further added that he had even invited some Tehreek-e-Taliban (TTP) leaders to the launch ceremony but they wanted to give YouB***tards an explosive start by coming to the launch in a truck rigged with explosives and with men wrapped in dynamite. He said some firecrackers and flag burnings would have sufficed.

Rehman also screened the first video to be uploaded on YouB***tards. It shows JI and JUI supporters making a bonfire of books written by such atheists as Charles Darwin, Karl Marx, Bertrand Russell, Richard Dawkins, Stephen Hawking, Christopher Hitchens and SpongeBob SquarePants.

A JI activist throws DVD covers of The Simpsons Season 5 into a bonfire of books at the YouB***tards launch ceremony.

When asked why other leaders from his party, the PPP, weren’t present at the ceremony, Rehman said most of them were at the premier of the new James Bond film, Sky Fall. ‘But they are all here in spirit,’ he explained.

He then read President Zardari’s message written specially for the occasion: ‘Dear democratic, liberal and moderate Pakistanis, YouB***tards khapey, khapey, khapey!’

YouB***tards will go online from 1 January, 2013 and will be operated from a specially built bunker in Islamabad by two of Pakistan’s most brilliant intellectuals, Zaid Rambo Hamid and Oreo Maqbool Biscuit.


TV anchor loses mind trying to figure out Karachi violence

Karachi: Famous TV anchor and analyst, Yaqoob Bajwa, is said to have had a nervous breakdown live on TV while trying to explain the recent conflict and worsening law and order situation in Karachi.

On his show, ‘Fire Off’, Yaqoob was discussing the situation of Karachi with some members of the PPP, MQM and ANP. But when he also called in (via telephone) leaders of Sunni Tehreek (ST), Sipah Sahaba (SSP), JI, Peoples Aman Commity (PAC) and the maker’s of Karachi’s famous ‘Slims Chilli Chips’, he began to pull out his hair and shout obscenities at the guests.

Most people thought he was doing this just to boost the ratings of his show, until his eyes went wild, his hair stood up, his moustache dropped and he began to talk to himself.

The following are some of the things the anchor was heard saying : ‘So, MQM is up against ANP but both are against the Taliban, as well as against the ST that is against the Taliban who are supporting SSP that is against MQM, ANP and ST but okay with JI and PAC that is associated with the PPP that is in a coalition with MQM and ANP that is against Taliban, SSP and ST that are against Shias who are against SSP and ST and sometimes Haqiqi and ANP and all of these have armed wings that are fighting each another and also among themselves and against the police and the Rangers and the ISI up against MQM that is up against ANP but both are against the Taliban as well as against the ST that is against the Taliban who are supporting SSP that is against MQM, ANP and ST but okay with JI and PAC that is associated with the PPP that is in a coalition with MQM and ANP that is against the Taliban, SSP and ST that are against Shias who are against SSP and ST … and then there is the case of Slims Chilli Chips, what the hell are Slims Chilli Chips doing here, can anybody tell me, anyone, anybody, please tell me, please, please, PLEASE …?’

The show that was being telecasted live was suddenly taken off the air when Yaqoob, 44, began to tear off his clothes and started to jiggle his chest and stomach.

Yaqoob Bajwa minutes before he was taken off the air.

Before becoming a popular TV anchor, Yaqoob was a wrestler in the Punjab city of Sahiwal. Six years ago he was given the job of a TV anchor by a news channel after he completed a 4-hour-training course in shouting for the heck of it by TV anchor, Jasmine Namazoor, and a 2-hour-training by another famous TV anchor, Kamran Cylinder Khan, in blurting out an average of 7,200 words per minute!

Most of Yaqoob’s shows were about diabolic conspiracies behind earthquakes, hurricanes and mosquito infestations, and about jotting down dates and days when he predicted the government would fall.

But recently he was asked by his TV channel to do a show on Karachi, in spite of the fact that the last time Yaqoob visited Karachi was 40 years ago as a young boy who came to Karachi with his parents to attend his maternal uncle’s valima.

The journalistic community has protested against the treatment fretted out to Yaqoob by his employers and termed it as a conspiracy by those who were against journalists willing to openly report about the events in Karachi.

Journalist-preacher-philosopher-whiner, Sangsar Abbasi, criticised Yaqoob’s employers, saying that they had used a non-Sharia complaint way to dismiss an employee: ‘This action will certainly arouse the wrath of God,’ Sangsar said in all seriousness. After watching the tragic footage of Yaqoob jiggling his chest, Sangsar warned that soon Karachi will be hit by a Sandy-like hurricane called Hurricane Booby.

After getting some treatment at a local hospital, Yaqoob is reported to have gone back to his hometown and was not available on his phone – even though he did leave a tweet on his Twitter account: ‘Thanks for ur concern, dear fans and fraands. But mark my words: Root cause of all violence in Karachi lies in the questionable quantities of the salt in Slims Chilli Chips.’


Sweeper becomes millionaire by getting paid by thousands of smokers to let them smoke in the bathroom of a non-smoking airport

Karachi: Rajab Manan, a sweeper at Karachi’s Jinnah International Airport, is reported to have become a millionaire by getting paid by thousands of smokers in the bathrooms of the non-smoking airport.

Rajab at the reception held in his honour.

This was proudly announced by Interior Minister, Rehman Malik, at a reception hosted to honour Rajab’s entrepreneurial skills.

Though this government has been lax and largely incompetent in addressing issues like terrorism, unemployment, illiteracy, crime, overpopulation, sectarianism and social and political instability, it has been extra vigilant and persistent in imposing a blanket ban on smoking in all of the country’s airports.

Rehman proudly reminded the media that Pakistani airports are the only airports in the world that do not have any designated smoking areas at all.

When a reporter pointed out that this was actually promoting corruption in which smokers were paying bribes to sweepers and sweepers accepting them, Malik accused the reporter of being an agent of foreign tobacco companies.

‘Why are you looking at the negative side?’ He asked the reporter. ‘Look what economic opportunities this ban has created for poor people like Rajab.’

Malik then invited Rajab to come up on stage and relate his rags-to-riches story in his own words.

‘Fusst of all, I want to thank this great poor-friendly government and its Ministers for creating opportunities for poor men like me to become rich men like them,’ Rajab said (in Urdu).

Guests at the reception.

He continued: ‘Had this smoking ban not been imposed so rigorously by this great government, people like me would have remained desperate and poor and cleaning other peoples stuff in airport bathrooms.’

He said that he was against smoking and he didn’t smoke, but he does enjoy to show-off the cigars he just bought after watching another rich man Sheikh Rashid (aka Sheeda Tully) on TV: ‘Although Tully Saab is not part of this great and glorious anti-smoking government, I like the way he smokes his cigar. Makes him look very rich. Sort of like me.’

Rajab said that he has advised the government to use his example to make cigarette manufacturers of Pakistan to slightly alter the health warnings on their packs. He informed the media that the government has in fact agreed to heed his advice.

According to Pakistan’s health ministry, from now on the following label will begin to appear on Pakistani cigarette packs: ‘WARNING: Smoking is injurious to health and can create numerous health-related complications; but if you are a sweeper at a Pakistani airport, letting others smoke can actually make you very rich, very quickly – Ministry of Health … and Rajab.’

But not everyone at the reception was happy about Rajab’s good fortune. A young man in his 20s angrily stood up and interrupted Rajab’s speech by shouting: ‘‘Oh Rajab fool Jew insult proud Pakistani men and child of true faith on Friday after Friday in airport latrine sometimes smoking day after day morning, evening night playing with emotion of true Pakistani pride bride liberal fascist US servants Kill Bill PTI Tsunami change bringing coming Zindabad DeathToSlimySmokingPigs …!’

Nadeem F. Paracha is a cultural critic and senior columnist for Dawn Newspaper and

The views expressed by this blogger and in the following reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of the Dawn Media Group.