Hi Auntie,

I am writing with a lingering confusion about a connection from my university days that still troubles me.

Nearly eight years ago, during our first semester, I met a student in a shared course and we soon developed a close academic friendship. Over four years, we studied together, formed teams, participated in competitions and supported each other. We also talked about our personal lives.

I have always been a somewhat literary, playful person, often expressing myself through sarcasm and poetry. I sometimes wrote verses for her, which she seemed to appreciate. There were moments when it felt as if she subtly encouraged me to express deeper feelings, though she also maintained that whatever this bond was, it should remain within some limits.

Like many close friendships, ours had misunderstandings and temporary fallouts. We even blocked and unblocked each other a few times, but somehow returned to our companionship.

After graduation, we entered our professional lives and stayed in touch online. About a year later, I realised my feelings had deepened and I began expressing them more openly. She responded with sarcasm and never clearly accepted or rejected my feelings.

‘Should I Apologise Now For Crossing A Line In The Past?’

Then one day, during an Eid conversation, I repeatedly asked her to share a picture as an Eid gift. She declined jokingly, but I kept insisting. Suddenly, she blocked me on WhatsApp. I felt as though I had unknowingly crossed a line and appeared disrespectful. Hurt and embarrassed, I reacted by blocking her everywhere else and cutting off all contact.

It has now been a year. I recently learned she has gone abroad for higher studies. Although I am doing well professionally, I often feel guilty and wonder if I should apologise for my persistence that day.

Now I’m confused, should I send a simple apology to clear my conscience, or let the past remain where it ended.

Mr Confused

Dear Mr Confused,

You have spent a long time thinking about one moment.

It seems like the two of you had a genuine friendship but it also sounds like you and she were not on the same page. You developed feelings while she was comfortable keeping things within limits.

Such friendships are lopsided. One person begins hoping for more while the other keeps things exactly where they are. Over time, even small things like your Eid conversation can feel different to the person who is already uncomfortable.

Your persistence about the photo made her uncomfortable and she chose to draw a line. It could be that her discomfort was building up but she hadn’t expressed it. Once she blocked you, you did the right thing by stepping back. You did not become a harasser.

As for whether you should apologise, the answer depends on what you are trying to achieve. If you truly feel you made her uncomfortable and would like to acknowledge that, you could send her a message but only if you don’t ask for anything in return. No request for explanation and no expectation of a reply. Just a simple apology. At the same time, it is also okay to leave things as they are. Every relationship doesn’t need a closing conversation.

For now, you need to stop dwelling on this.  So, you were a young man who developed feelings for a classmate. That is not a crime. The real task now is to leave this in the past and allow yourself to move forward without guilt.

Published in Dawn, EOS, May 15th, 2024