In an exclusive interview with the Cliftonia Post, Arsenab Grosswhammy — the Republic of Gangetica’s loudest anchor and the host of his popular fantasy news show — talks to us about his craft, the importance of truth and fact-checking, and the role today’s media plays in shaping our worldview. Or he doesn’t… who knows?

Cliftonia Post: Thank you for taking out the time to speak with us. We know you are a very busy man.

Arsenab Grosswhammy: I know I am! You think I don’t know that? What the hell are you insinuating by thanking me for taking out my own time?  It’s my time! I own it! Don’t forget that we own our own time in Gangetica and we can take it out anytime we want! And my busyness is none of your concern! STAY WITHIN YOUR BORDERS!!

CP: I didn’t mean…

Arsenab Grosswhammy: Then who else meant? There’s only me and you in this room! I didn’t mean it, so it must’ve been you! YOU BETTER STOP MEANING OR ELSE!

The Republic of Gangetica’s loudest news show host has his knives out, including for the Cliftonia Post

CP: I just wanted to express my gratitude to you as you are a busy “journalist” and…

Arsenab Grosswhammy: YES, I AM VERY BUSY! And why did you say journalist in quotes?! WHY? Are you trying to be sarcastic? Don’t you know I spit on sarcasm? You people need to be put in your place! I HATE YOU AND YOUR KIND! And yes, you are right for a change! I am very busy working on a BREAKING NEWS story as we speak! Did you know that the government has just arrested 31,382 terrorists who were hiding under my desk, ready to kidnap me while I took my afternoon nap and smuggle me back to Uranus with them?! Did you? No, you did not, because you are nothing but a COLLABORATOR!

FYI, I am also very honoured to be speaking with a very white and blonde official from the Teutonic Armed Forces of Prussian Germania! Their research and analysis wing has developed a new guided missile that has the capability to lay eggs deep inside enemy territory! Can you believe that?! This is a real game-changer in the world of 12th generation egg-laying and I will be the first person to hatch this story!

CP: What kind of eggs?

Arsenab Grosswhammy: What the hell kind of a question is that? WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO IMPLY? ARE YOU AS STUPID AS I LOOK OR ARE YOU EVEN STUPIDER THAN THAT? What’s wrong with you?! This interview can make your career and you are NOT BEING VERY NICE! I gave you a chance, even though I had never heard of you, and here you want to spend your big break discussing eggs!

CP: Let’s agree to disagree. Let’s move on…

Arsenab Grosswhammy: No, no, NO! Move on to what? No, sir! Like a constipated hedgehog caught in the headlights, I refuse to move on! NO, I WILL NOT! Don’t ever forget that I am a journalist who will always print the unprintable, which should never have been printed due to it being in print already, but never by printers who dare not unprint the printless without printing the printouts that have remained unprinted due to their unprintability!!

CP: When you were at the University of Oxford…

Arsenab Grosswhammy: Yes, I am a proud Oxford alum! So proud that just the thought of it makes me flatulent! I follow in the footsteps of illustrious peaceniks such as Cecil Rhodes and Tony Blair and intellectual giants like the great Boris Johnson and even greater Liz Truss! I try my utmost to model myself on them and that is why I am proud to have become a legend in my own mind! Nothing, and I mean NOTHING, can beat expensive, world-class education to open one’s mind to the glorious narrowness of extreme right-wing belief!

CP: You mean like religious madressahs and seminaries?

Arsenab Grosswhammy: HOW DARE YOU!! HOW DO YOU EVEN DARE TO DARE ME LIKE THIS?! How dare you insult eminent Western educational institutions and compare them with… with… THEM! You sit here and belittle the Ivy League? ARE YOU INSANE OR JUST JEALOUS?! Name me one warmonger or bigot produced by these hallowed portals of reason and rationale! Go on! Do it! GIVE ME A SINGLE NAME!!

CP: Donald Trump, UPenn. Benjamin Netanyahu, MIT. George Bush Sr, Yale. George W. Bush, Yale and Harvard. Barack Obama, Columbia and Harvard. Steve Bannon, Harvard. Bill Clinton, Yale and Oxford. Margaret Thatcher, Oxford. Enoch Powell, Cambridge…

Arsenab Grosswhammy: SHUT UP! SHUT UP!! SHUT UP!!!

CP: I was just answering your question.

Arsenab Grosswhammy: Is that so??!! NOW YOU WAIT AND SEE MY RESPONSE ON LIVE TV TONIGHT! YOU MOCK ME, YOU MOCK THE REPUBLIC OF GANGETICA! SAY GOODBYE TO YOUR CAREER, PINKO! CLIFTONIA POST IS TOAST!

Farid Alvie was born. He currently lives.
He’s on Instagram: @faridalvie

Published in Dawn, EOS, May 18th, 2025