"Every time I gaze into your eyes, I see beauty and depth in equal measure. They remind me so much of myself,” said Doland T.

“Your humility overwhelms me,” Cliftonia Clooney said in response. “You are like an enormous buffoon, filled to the brim with a scale of dangerous buffoonery, the likes of which the world hasn’t witnessed in aeons.”

“Do you mean that?”

“Of course I do. We may look different, act different, smell different, taste different and pass water different, but we are cut from the same cloth. We are two coins of the same side,” she replied.

“I may hate your kind and the jobs that you pretend to do, but you human rights lawyers turn me on like no other liberal can.”

“That’s because I am an enormous liberal… so enormous that even I don’t know where I begin and where I end,” said Ms Clooney to Mr T.

Eos presents excerpts from Rebecca de Chandio’s latest New York Times’ best-seller...

“The enormity of your liberalism astounds me.”

“As it should. It’s a vast, deep, dark abyss, waiting to be stared at. Won’t you stare into my abyss, my sweet baboon?”

“Don’t you mean buffoon?” the Doland asked.

“Same difference. I would call you by your name, but you are no Timothee Chalamet.”

“It’s the enormity of your intellect that floors me every time I open my mouth,” he whispered.

“I am an enormous intellectual. I human rights my way through law, the United Nations and, most importantly, Hollywood. When white people like you look at me, they want to be just like me. My husband said if he didn’t have a beard, he’d be me.”

“Oh how I hate him and his liberal friends! They make fun of me and call me names and say that I don’t respect women, which is a complete and utter lie, because if I didn’t love women, would I grab them by the…”

“Stop!” yelled C Clooney.

“What happened?”

“Did you hear that?” she asked.

“Hear what?”

“That… that sound. Are those chants? Or police sirens?”

“Oh that! That’s nothing. Just some seditious university students getting beaten up by our guardians in blue,” he replied.

“Thank goodness, I thought it was the Russians.”

“By the way, you do know that the Russians love their children too, right? Sting told me so and then Putin confirmed it to me the other day, when I went over to his place for some pelmeni and polugar cherry. Very seldom are liberals right, but when they are built like you, they are always right in my book.”

“That’s very kind of you. If it were up to me, I’d move my embassy to Jerusalem just for you.”

“Too late, I already did that. It is my birthday present to you.”

“Darling, you shouldn’t have. I don’t understand why my husband and his friends don’t like you. You are the sweetest billionaire fraud I’ve ever met.”

“And you remind me of my followers around the world,” he replied. “From the United States of Cliftonia to the Republic of Cliftonia, they say the same thing about me. They love me so much, no matter what I grab. When I fail, as I frequently do, they always believe it’s someone else’s fault.

“When I drop our country’s most powerful non-nuclear bomb on targets in Afghanistan for the very first time in our history, they call me anti-war and pro-peace. When I incite my followers to attack government buildings, they sympathise with me for being naive and getting duped by your evil liberal friends in the government.

“Do you know who they blame for my blatant misogyny and racism? The victims. So how can I do anything wrong in their eyes? How Cliftonia, how?” he said, his eyes brimming with tears of gratitude and love.

“Yes, my husband and I have always wondered about that. How is this vile, disgusting bigot a rockstar to moronics the world over? We literally do the same thing as you and yet we are the ones vilified. We bomb and maim and kill and pillage and destroy countries and generations and organise and help perpetrate genocides, but just because we do it with a smile, we are considered namby-pamby! Why Doland, why?” she said, her eyes brimming with tears of envy and resignation.

“I don’t know, Cliftonia, I don’t know. I wish I could tell you why, but I don’t know. Even though there is no one more intelligent than me, I can’t answer this question. And if even I can not answer this, then that means the answer to your query has not been invented yet.

“So be patient and come with me. Let us go and arrest some students together. And after that, I’ll take you to the Met Gala for some cake,” he said as they waltzed into the sunset.

Farid Alvie was born.
He currently lives.
He’s on X @faridalvie

Published in Dawn, EOS, May 19th, 2024