Like after every January for the last 76 years, Pakistan is going through a precarious time, called February. The start of the year brings with it new National Assembly resolutions, which are criticised by February, trampled on by March and forgotten about by April, commemorated by the 1st of that month.

There are new bills tabled of course, mostly electricity bills, to the shock and horror of people running their houses on generators.

But even that is a touchy subject this month, as the International Monetary Fund (IMF) will only inject $7 billion into the economy to keep this country on life support, so long as we raise fuel taxes, utility prices, depreciate the currency, shut down all industries, burn all our crops and start howling at the moon in the middle of the afternoon — which is a lot harder than it sounds.

The IMF spokesperson said something at a press conference but the microphone was off, in line with the IMF spokespersons wishes to stop subsidising electricity. It was probably something about Pakistan not having any foreign exchange reserves.

We don’t even have foreign exchange students who we could send back for money. Our biggest exports over the last 20 years have been textiles and terrorism. Hence the current account deficit and poor exchange rate. The writing of this paragraph has seen the dollar rate go up by a further 50 rupees.

A round-up of all the things that are raising Pakistanis’ blood pressures and the dollar rate…

We asked the finance minister what the single biggest reason for the foreign exchange deficit was. “Well, the biggest would be not having enough foreign exchange.” And the second? “Finance ministers.”

But is there any light at the end of the tunnel? “What light, there isn’t even light at the beginning of the tunnel, we can’t afford it.”

In the Toshakhana case, criminal proceedings have begun against former cricketer, heart thobe and prime minister Imran Khan, which will bring the current account deficit down by half. Upon hearing that he might be disqualified from contesting elections, Khan announced he would be contesting the next bypoll from 33 constituencies.

Analysts fear that if he is disqualified one more time, he might contest all 342 national assembly seats in the upcoming general elections, including those reserved for women and minorities. The act will increase the dollar rate by another 100 rupees.

Meanwhile Mickey Arthur will be the first online coach in the history of cricket, which might not affect the dollar rate but, with the amount of power outages recently, he might have to write his instructions via Pakistan Post. Mickey Arthur cannot be physically present in Pakistan to coach the team due to the government restrictions on imports. This online coaching would be in line with our largely online batting and completely handsfree fielding.

Prime Minister Shehbaz Sharif isn’t as concerned with the cricket situation as he’s still stuck on the foreign exchange deadlock. “If we can’t have foreign exchange, can we at least exchange foreigners? Can’t we sell the entire diplomatic enclave?” His comments have raised the dollar rate by yet another 500 rupees.

The country’s second largest city, Lahore, has had a fine start to the new year, breathing in death, nitrogen oxide, carbon monoxide and surface level ozone. “It’s good for the lungs,” said a doctor. “Excellent exercise,” he added, before he broke into a rasping, wheezing cough, then keeling over and dying. His patients will remember him for overcharging them on the simplest consultations.

Air Quality Index monitors have been installed all across the city but, you can’t see anything because of the air quality. “These monitors were designed for Chernobyl, but Lahore is a step too far.”

The Jamaat-i-Islami (JI) claims to have won local government elections in Karachi, their biggest victory since the death of Qazi Hussain Ahmad. They’re unlikely to win local government elections in Lahore, however, because none of them have made it out of their universities yet despite being there for 30 years. One JI student, now 62, has been at Punjab University since 1970. “If I leave, who is going to threaten all the kids who come here just for an education?”

This did not please the Muttahida Qaumi Movement (MQM) because, well, they’re the MQM and nothing pleases them. The Pakistan Tehreek-i-Insaaf (PTI) claimed to have 85-100 seats stolen but the election caterers promised to return them as soon as the currency stabilises. Otherwise, the dollar rate will rise by 1,000 rupees.

The Punjab Bar Council held its annual elections and nobody knows who won or who lost. Nobody cares, they just want the contestants and their supporters to be able to celebrate the occasion by firing Kalashnikovs into the air; like a more violent Basant, with less music.

Imported school and university books have also been restricted. As might be imported examinations, imported syllabuses and imported degrees. Students have never been happier, a happiness that will, you guessed it, raise the dollar rate by 1,500 rupees.

The writer is a medical tourist who has almost died on three continents

Published in Dawn, EOS, February 5th, 2023