Dear Sir,
My name is Nazir Jr. I am the national icon and hope of my people, the Cliftonians. I come from the Republic of Cliftonia. It is a wonderful place full of entitleds such as yourself and myself. We have a lot in common, and that is why I am writing to you today. Just as I am the hope of my people, you are the hope of me.

I am six feet tall. I have a full head of transplanted hair. I also use deodorant.

I studied in a school. I also studied in a university. My university was in the West. I am proud of my university, which is very famous in the West. I am proud of the West, which is very famous in Cliftonia. I am also proud of you, because you are from the West. That is why I know you must be civilised, honest, law-abiding, democratic and blonde.

My country is very beautiful. It is famous for its country clubs and its delusional members. Our national dish is foie gras tikka. It is served at brunch every weekend. We are very proud of our food. It is the best part of our cuisine.

National Hope & Icon Nazir Jr pens a heartfelt appeal to the Western establishment for help against the local Cliftonian establishment

I was born in Aitchisonia-upon-Chenab, which is the capital of our beloved republic. It is the most Westernised part of our country and, therefore, helped me fit in when I moved to the West, which is renowned for its civilised, honest, law-abiding, democratic and blonde politicians, such as my good friend and mentor Donald Trump.

Just like Trump, I also believe I am the best at everything. That is because I know everything. To humbly quote myself: “There are many who think they know it all. By the grace of God, I am one of them.” 

As you already know, due to jealousy and my good looks, my enemies have ganged up on me. They are calling me names. They are making up horrible lies about me. And using bad language. They are giving me a taste of my own medicine. It is a bitter pill to swallow. Even though I am not a doctor, I know this due to my high levels of wisdom, acquired from having lived in the West.

I now wish to revenge. As it is a dish best served cold, I want to heat it up before serving it to my enemies because, in the East, it is against our traditions to serve anything cold. 

Many people do not know this but, just like the Talibanians, there are two types of establishments also. The good establishment and the bad establishment. Our local, national establishment, which used to be good, has now become bad. I don’t know why. The international, global establishment, which used to be bad, has now become good. I did not know it then, but I know it now. 

As members of the global elite, we are very similar, as we have been given the duty of guiding and uplifting the poors. Because you and I both know that the poors cannot be relied upon to evolve, we must do it for them, because it is ordained.

We must carry this burden. You called it the ‘White Man’s Burden’ when you came to civilise us as colonials. And bless you, you gave us beautiful civilisation in the form of Aitchisonia! 

And from the bowels of Aitchisonia, come I following in your footsteps, trying to civilise the natives of my wretched land. We elites must stick together. We are the ones who make up the establishments of our lands. If we do not support each other, then who will? 

Tell me, who do I turn to for support? If not you, then who? If not now, then when? Bolo! Bolo na!

You have a duty as the good, white, global establishment to civilise the bad, brown, national establishments around the world. Just like we have a duty to civilise our poors, because we are the local creme de la creme, you have a duty to civilise us, because you are the global creme de la creme. 

The real establishment is always good. It always favours the true elite, wherever it may be. The fake establishment is an upstart. It supports fake richs with cheap, tacky backgrounds. They have no family history. No one even knows who they are from the backside.

So please assist me and my fellow Cliftonians. As I said, we wish to revenge and bring back the real establishment, so that we can continue to give moral and ethical guidance to the poors. If we, the global richs, don’t show them the way, then who will? I tau just love the poors!

Please send me a DM on my Insta account as soon as you receive this letter. I am a waiter of your reply.

Yours Obediently,
National Icon & Hope Nazir Jr.

Farid Alvie was born.
He currently lives.
He tweets @faridalvie

Published in Dawn, EOS, January 29th, 2023