Every August, without fail, the establishment of the Republic of Cliftonia compiles and publi­shes Almanac Cliftonia. This much-anticipated handbook is a reflection of its society and provides a deep and profound insight into the state of the nation and where it is headed. This year, the publication also contains, among other useful information, the results of a wide-ranging survey that was conducted across the Republic’s country clubs and gated communities.

The following are a selection of excerpts from the almanac:

Editor’s Note:

“It gives me great pleasure to release this annual document. It contains all the information that the establishment believes any Cliftonian citizen and foreign national (for, as a dual national, any patriotic Cliftonian worth his/her salt is simultaneously both) is entitled to. I take this opportunity to accept in advance our readers’ gratitude for all that we do for them. I also wish our doubting readers happy and pain-free days, both pre- and post their disappearance.

Sincerely, Brig (forcibly retd) Babbar ‘Bobby’ Niazi

Disclaimer: While much of the factual information in this document is suspect, all of the disinformation contained herein is 100 percent accurate.

Eos presents excerpts from Almanac Cliftonia 2021, a handbook providing a profound insight into the Republic of Cliftonia and where it is headed

Survey 2021 Results:

• 0.05 percent of all Cliftonians believe in equal rights for all non-Cliftonians.

• 99.9 percent of all Cliftonian investment bankers and private equity professionals believe in equal rights for all investment bankers and private equity professionals.

• 33.7 percent of all Cliftonian pseudo-liberal journalists wear Adidas to work.

• 89.3 percent of all Cliftonians believe in travelling abroad every month for work and pleasure; 93.8 percent of these consider returning home for work rather than pleasure.

• 88.88 percent of all Cliftonians believe that 100 percent of all Cliftonian children aged 0-10 must have Filipina nannies in their lives for at least 98.9 percent of the time.

• 100 percent of all Cliftonians see selected democracy as the only form of democracy worth tolerating.

• 97.75 percent of all Cliftonian MBAs are experts in the fields of journalism, art and design, and poverty alleviation.

• 24.6 percent of all Cliftonians prefer lavender over purple.

• 6.5 percent of all Cliftonians are moderately enlightened.

• 5.6 percent of all Cliftonians are enlightenedly moderate.

• 73.55 percent of all Cliftonian children are raised on yoghurt ice cream as per the instructions of their personal trainers.

• 100 percent of all Cliftonians are benevolently dictatorial toward the poors.

• 100 percent of all Cliftonians believe in saving the poors from themselves, but only through the strict implementation of corporate strategic philanthropy.

• 79.85 percent of all Cliftonian naukri pesha mazdoors prefer to wear Ralph Lauren on Casual Fridays.

• 96.75 percent of all Cliftonians equate gated communities with civilisation.

• 99.9 percent of all Cliftonian feudals believe that selected democracy is the best revenge.

• 79.25 percent of all Cliftonian hedgehogs are extremely happy with their lot in life.

• 100 percent of all illegal Cliftonian residential estates have been regularised, Alhumdulillah.

• 0.15 percent of all Cliftonian retired military personnel lead retired lives.

• 73.5 percent of all Cliftonian anchorpersons are on Keto diets.

• 0.00001 percent of all Cliftonian men believe women.

Geographical Facts About Cliftonia:

• There are currently 583,985 U-turns in Cliftonia. Every day, a dozen more are added as per the directives of the prime minister’s office.

• There are 150,000 lakes, 700 waterfalls, 4,630 golf courses, and 1.3 million swimming pools in water-starved Cliftonia’s 750,000 gated communities.

• Every gated community has at least 1 Papa Jaan’s restaurant.

• There are 12 seasons in Cliftonia.

• The Republic of Cliftonia shares its eastern border with Japan and its western border with Germany.

Economic Facts About Cliftonia:

• Despite the pandemic, Cliftonia continued to export Grammarians to foreign universities at unprecedented levels.

• Traditional Cliftonian desserts such as panna cotta (with berry sauce) and tiramisu saw a 27.5 percent increase in sales on the third weekend of every other month.

• Nuclear cafes across the nation reported an increase in the sales of yellow cake this year.

• More than 6,400 new real estate barons were produced in Aitchisonia-upon-Chenab this year.

Education Facts About Cliftonia:

• The SLUMS (Strategic Logistical University of Martial Sciences) Class of Spring 2021 produced seven liberal-fascists this year.

• 77.35 percent of all Cliftonians are students of history.

• 98.99 percent of all Cliftonian children successfully failed their exams conducted in their mother tongue.

• There are more Cliftonians enrolled in undergraduate and graduate degree programs in Uzbek history than there are Uzbeks in Uzbekistan.

Wildlife Facts About Cliftonia:

• There are more than 35 deadly predators found in Cliftonia, including the king cobra, the great white shark, and the black Vigo.

• This year the Ministry of Agriculture produced in excess of 12,300 venomous trolls for various print, electronic and social media platforms.

• This year 639 multi-million dollar homes were regularised for one-millionth of their cost, thereby adding 639 more blood-sucking parasites living off the helplessness of honest tax-payers.

• This year innumerable individuals had their basic constitutional right of habeas corpus blatantly and flagrantly violated after being abducted by wild unknown, unbeknownst-to-CCTV creatures.

Farid Alvie was born. He currently lives.

He tweets @faridalvie

Published in Dawn, EOS, August 1st, 2021