Dear Auntie, 
I am a 17 year old, currently studying for my A-levels. My problem is that my boyfriend, who is a bit older than me, wants to marry me as soon as I finish my exams. But I feel like I’m too young. It’s not that I don’t want to marry him, as we’ve been together for nearly four years, but now would be just too soon. We both have a career to focus on and then there are our parents, who would need a lot of convincing. I’ve tried explaining this to him so many times, but he’s really stubborn and has the ‘it-is-what-it-is’ attitude, which makes it hard to convince him on anything. He pulls away from me when he’s upset and closes off from all human contact. 

I’m really worried about how to deal with him. I love him dearly and would pay any price to keep him happy, but right now I’m just out of options. Please help. 
Worried

Dear Worried
It is great that you love your boyfriend. However, it is also extremely important to love and prioritise yourself. You are very young and this is the time to set the foundation for the rest of your life. It is important that you work to strengthen yourself. While I wish you the very best in all aspects of your life, experience shows that life is ever-changing and things almost never stay the same. Most people get married to each other with the best of intentions, and with the highest of hopes. But, many times, things don’t pan out as planned, which can lead to disappointments. So yes, do plan your marriage but, before that, work out plans for yourself.

‘I don’t want to marry right after my A-levels’

This is the time to think deeply about your life. What do you want to do in life, apart from getting married? Is there a profession you want to get into? Start working towards it. You should be entering any relationship as a strong person who knows her worth and who respects herself. Definitely make something of yourself and also encourage your boyfriend to make something of himself. This is not because you need his help or income or because he needs your help or income. It is to help both of you to grow and make something of yourselves before you get married.  

Life cannot be spent fantasising about how joyful life will be once you are together. Sure it will be joyful, but it will also be real. You sound more realistic than your boyfriend, even though he is older than you. I encourage you to think deeply about the realities of life. Look around you and observe what married couples are dealing with on a day-to-day basis and think about it.

This is the time to think deeply about your life. What do you want to do in life apart from getting married? Is there a profession you want to get into? Start working towards it. You should be entering any relationship as a strong person who knows her worth and who respects herself.

At the same time, explain to your boyfriend that, while you are eager to get married, you also want to achieve certain professional goals before you tie the knot. It is better if you work on certain goals before your marriage because, many times, relationships change drastically after signing on the dotted line, because so many other factors and dynamics, such as in-laws’ expectations and children, get thrown into the mix. Explain all this to him gently, listen to his concerns and address them where necessary. However, have a plan and stay firm on it.

I wish you the best in life.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, EOS, June 13th, 2021