Dear Auntie, 
I am a 26-year-old man. I belong to a middle-class and well-educated family. I have suffered greatly in my educational career and have been tossed around like a tennis ball from one field to another because of my elders’ wishes and because of my own lack of decision-making. I am still a long way from completing my education, but at least I am enrolled in a programme and trying to cross the finish line this time. 

My younger siblings and cousins are way ahead of me in their lives and have settled down. I don’t want to feel jealous of them, but I can’t control my emotions. Every time I am in a family gathering, I feel like I am a criminal who has been presented before a jury. Everyone has ideas of their own about what I should be doing with my life or where I went wrong. I am sick and tired of being questioned about the same things over and over again.

This is the point in life when guys like to talk about their marriages or how their jobs are going, but with me it’s still about that degree and this or that university etc. 
Please help me.  
Survival Seeker

Dear Survival Seeker, So here’s a story. A woman called Nola Ochs decided in her mid-90s to enroll into Fort Hays State University in Kansas to complete her degree and earn her Bachelors. She completed her undergrad with a 3.7 GPA, and, at the age of 98, went onto earn her Master’s degree. There are others like her who didn’t worry about the rat race and did what they had to do.

So if you want to feel better about yourself, read about such people — those who started ‘late’ in life and draw your inspiration from them — rather than from those who are judging you for still working towards your degree. You have seen how a lack of decision-making on your part has led to this situation in your life. You have seen how giving your power away has brought you to this stage in your life.

‘I feel like I have been left behind’

It is time to take your power back. You need to take things in your own hands and remind yourself that no one else decides whether you are behind or ahead of anyone else. You have to cope with your feelings of inadequacy by focusing on yourself, putting your head down and getting that degree.

You are not part of a race. This is not a competition with anyone else. The only person who matters in your life is you. And the only person you are competing with is yourself. It is time to take life one day at a time. Work on moving ahead from where you were yesterday. Improve your life each day, one step at a time.

People who have set ideas about what you should be doing with your life, need to focus on themselves or their own children. We are all different with different life paths and it is not fair to compare ourselves with anyone else.

Some people are great at running fast to reach a goal. Others take their time, choose to slow down or take breaks and strive for excellence on the way. Some have a plan, while others want life to surprise them. All ways are okay. No one needs to question your life choices if they don’t directly affect them.

And honestly, most of your life choices don’t affect others. People will always talk. If you choose to wear purple, they’ll wonder why you didn’t opt for yellow. If you decide to wake up at 8am, they’ll wonder why you didn’t wake up at 6am. There is no dearth of opinions about how others should be leading their lives. The best way to cope is to realise that people are simply sharing an opinion and, if it doesn’t work for you, develop a thick skin and tune it out.

All that matters for now is how far you have come. Keep going, keep learning and keep improving. You are in a race with yourself. Other people don’t matter when it comes to your life choices that don’t directly affect them. I wish you all the best in life.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, EOS, April 11th, 2021