Brig Babar ‘Bobby’ Niazi (forcibly retd): Welcome to another hard-hitting episode of HardChat, the only current affairs show in Cliftonia that chats hard and hardly chats. Tonight, we bring you a no-holds-barred conversation with National Icon and Hope Nazir Jr, a symbol of frightens and Prime Minister of the Republic of Cliftonia, with whom we discuss the challenges facing the nation, the region and his wardrobe. 

Welcome to HardChat, prime minister.

National Icon and Hope Nazir Jr: Thanks, dear.

Brig Babar ‘Bobby’ Niazi (forcibly retd): Let us begin at the beginning. When you were selected to lead our glorious republic, you promised us a brave new world. What did you mean by a brave new world?

National Icon and Hope Nazir Jr: I am glad you asked me this extremely important question. To answer, let us indeed, begin at the beginning. I was spiritually born in a prominent warrior tribe in Aitchisonia-upon-Chenab — a land known for its warrior races — in the year of our Lord 1552 but I made my appearance known, physically, many centuries later. I was told this was due to visa problems. I have asked officials at the Ministry of Interior to help my brother-in-law find out the cause of this delay. Regardless, upon my arrival, I immediately knew that my favorite colour was blue.

Next question!

Brig Babar ‘Bobby’ Niazi (forcibly retd): Thank you so much for putting things in perspective. Your critics unfairly accuse you of not paying attention to the national economy. Apparently, they can’t see that your Spartan, unbranded and hermitical wardrobe is a reflection of the economy and your faqirana multi-million dollar private residence. How would you answer your critics?

National Icon and Hope Nazir Jr: I would answer them in Japanese.

Brig Babar ‘Bobby’ Niazi (forcibly retd): Why in Japanese?

National Icon and Hope Nazir Jr: Because I don’t speak Flemish.

A hard-hitting and no-holds-barred interview of National Icon and Hope Nazir Jr — a symbol of frightens and Prime Minister of the Republic of Cliftonia

Brig Babar ‘Bobby’ Niazi (forcibly retd): But neither do they.

National Icon and Hope Nazir Jr: Precisely!

Brig Babar ‘Bobby’ Niazi (forcibly retd): Excuse me?

National Icon and Hope Nazir Jr: Excused, dear.

Brig Babar ‘Bobby’ Niazi (forcibly retd): So let me try again: What would you say to your critics in Japanese?

National Icon and Hope Nazir Jr: Do you speak Japanese?

Brig. Babar ‘Bobby’ Niazi (forcibly retd): No.

National Icon and Hope Nazir Jr: Then there’s no point in answering the question, since you won’t understand anyway. However, I can tell you that these days I am passionate about planting dandelions.

Brig Babar ‘Bobby’ Niazi (forcibly retd): Really? That is excellent news. Is this a part of your Dandelion Diplomacy Initiative?

National Icon and Hope Nazir Jr: I once scored eleven goals in a village football match in Holland surrounded by fields upon fields of tulips. That is when I realised how indulgent we had become of corruption as a nation and how I must gift my own residence to myself before the tax man comes calling. So you see, international politics, personal history, mysticism, football and I are all on the same page. 

Brig Babar ‘Bobby’ Niazi (forcibly retd): Now it all makes sense. Is this what drives you when you walk into your office every morning?

National Icon and Hope Nazir Jr: No, usually it’s my driver who drives me to my office every morning.

Brig Babar ‘Bobby’ Niazi (forcibly retd): But of course.

National Icon and Hope Nazir Jr: I also like to eat oranges.

Brig Babar ‘Bobby’ Niazi (forcibly retd): The colour?

National Icon and Hope Nazir Jr: Yes, sometimes the crayons but mostly the fruit.

Brig Babar ‘Bobby’ Niazi (forcibly retd): Why the fruit?

National Icon and Hope Nazir Jr: Because my friend says Vitamin C lives inside an orange.

Brig Babar ‘Bobby’ Niazi (forcibly retd): Didn’t know you were a scientist too!

National Icon and Hope Nazir Jr: I didn’t know I was a scientist either until I read a WhatsApp message my friend sent me about oranges and Vitamin C. That single WhatsApp forward has totally changed my life and now I know everything there is to know about Vitamin C. I have shared it with the Minister of Science and Technology and asked him to devise a Vitamin C policy for the nation based on that WhatsApp message. You just wait and see the changes this new initiative will bring across the country within 90 days.

Brig Babar ‘Bobby’ Niazi (forcibly retd): This is fantastic! Can we say HardChat is the first programme made privy to this exclusive information?

National Icon and Hope Nazir Jr: Everything I do is exclusive. You should know this by now.

Brig. Babar ‘Bobby’ Niazi (forcibly retd): So true. Thank you very much for joining us on HardChat, prime minister.

National Icon and Hope Nazir Jr: You’re welcome and …You’re fired! Hahaha! Just kidding … who am I to fire you, dear … a little Trumpian humour to end the show with.

Farid Alvie was born. He currently lives. He tweets @faridalvie

Published in Dawn, EOS, December 20th, 2020