Rebecca de Chandio, webinar host: Good evening to all our viewers in South Asia and a very good morning to all those joining us from North America. It’s a pleasure to welcome you to yet another special webinar session of our popular series “Intellectually Yours.” Today, we have a truly diverse panel for you comprising some of Cliftonia’s most promising thought leaders.

Brigadier Babar ‘Bobby’ Niazi (forcibly retd): Thank you Rebecca for inviting me. I would like to begin by listing the corruption cases of the previous corrupt government and its corrupt leaders who corruptingly …

Rebecca de Chandio: Forgive me, Brig Niazi, for interrupting you but do give me a moment to formally introduce you and our other panellists to the viewers. Rest assured, I will come to you …

Brigadier Babar ‘Bobby’ Niazi (forcibly retd): But before the show, we agreed that I would go first … we even agreed on the questions you were going to ask me! I thought you were an upright journalist, Rebecca? Who’s funding this webinar? Who is this Mr YouTube and where is he getting his money from?

Rebecca de Chandio: No insults please Brigadier Sahib. I am not a journalist, I’m an anchorperson. Please keep that in mind. Now kindly mute yourself and allow me to introduce you properly.

Cliftonia’s most promising thought leaders participate in a webinar session to discuss the burning issues of the state

Brigadier Babar ‘Bobby’ Niazi (forcibly retd): Fine.

Rebecca de Chandio: Thank you, sir. Ladies and gentlemen, our distinguished panel consists of familiar names who are known throughout the land for their intellect and deep political insight. First among equals is the eminent Brigadier Babar ‘Bobby’ Niazi (forcibly retd), spokesperson for the Ministry of Truth, Noblesse Oblige and Salvation. Brigadier Niazi is the author of a number of viral WhatsApp messages and is known for calling a spade a rake. Next to Brigadier Niazi, we have Jimmy Jirga, Special Assistant to the Prime Minister on Dual Nationalities, Exclusive Holiday Excursions and Brunch. Prominent documentary-maker, jewellery designer and Minister of State for Climate Change and Haberdashery, Cliftonia Ali also joins us from her summer home in Toronto. I am told two other guests, a young student leader and a human rights lawyer, will also be joining us shortly.

Brigadier Babar ‘Bobby’ Niazi (forcibly retd): No they won’t.

Rebecca de Chandio: Pardon me?

Brigadier Babar ‘Bobby’ Niazi (forcibly retd): I said no they won’t… be joining us. I just got a WhatsApp message that both of them were sitting at home waiting to log in to our webinar when they suddenly disappeared. God knows where they went.

Rebecca de Chandio: Disappeared?

Brigadier Babar ‘Bobby’ Niazi (forcibly retd): Yes. Vanished. Into thin air. Anyway, forget them, let’s talk about the real issues plaguing our nation these days, shall we? As you know, my ministry has just released a comprehensive report on the two-year achievements of our government. It is a page-turner and currently #1 on the Cliftonia Times Best Sellers List.

Jimmy Jirga: What a coincidence! Before joining the government, I was also writing a book.

Brigadier Babar ‘Bobby’ Niazi (forcibly retd): You see this, Rebecca! You see how our cabinet is full of such intellectual, scholarly men.

Cliftonia Ali: Not men, peoples.

Brigadier Babar ‘Bobby’ Niazi (forcibly retd): Peoples?

Cliftonia Ali: Yes, you should say the cabinet is ‘full of intellectual, scholarly peoples’, because I am also writing a book.

Brigadier Babar ‘Bobby’ Niazi (forcibly retd): Really? You are also writing a book?

Cliftonia Ali: Yes, it’s a gender study about corrupt feminists and their Swiss bank accounts.

Brigadier Babar ‘Bobby’ Niazi (forcibly retd): Mashallah! And then these trolls say we don’t know what we are talking about. Well done! Please finish the book quickly so we can release it at the forthcoming Aitchisonia Literary Festival where I will ensure your book wins the prestigious Goldman Sachs First Book Award For Financial Honesty.

Rebecca de Chandio: This is such fantastic news. This administration is the first one in our history to have such brilliant intellects at the helm. I haven’t even had the chance to properly begin the conversation and ask you some difficult questions and here you have already started making us proud with these revelations.

And look! So many congratulatory messages coming in for you from our viewers. Here’s one from DieHardPatriot275922u34 based in Birmingham, who says: ‘Proud of you all for your great work! Expose the corrupts and hang them and their families! Long Live National Icon & Hope Nazir Jr! Cliftonia Zindabad!’ And another from TrUeBeLiEvErBOi786 in Aitchisonia-upon-Chenab, who writes: ‘Proud of you all for your great work! Expose the corrupts and hang them and their families! Long Live National Icon & Hope Nazir Jr! Cliftonia Zindabad!’ As we can see, ladies and gentlemen, strikingly similar messages which prove, once again, that Cliftonians, both at home and abroad, are on the same page.

Farid Alvie was born. He currently lives. He tweets @faridalvie

Published in Dawn, EOS, August 30th, 2020