Issued to commemorate his 175th birth anniversary, the moving biography of Marquess Allama Sir Pedro Cliftovar, Founder and First-Commanding General-in-Perpetuity of the Republic of Cliftonia, went straight to the top of the Cliftonia Times bestsellers list this week. Penned by national icon and hope Nazir Jr. — after conducting extensive research that lasted almost a week — the book has received widespread critical acclaim. Entitled Delusions of Grandeur and Other Highs: The Life and Times of Pedro Cliftovar, the bestseller’s movie rights have already been bought by famed director Bong Joon-ho as a sequel to his award-winning film Parasite.

Eos is pleased to share a few excerpts from the magnum opus:

“When he was three years old, he took part in a tournament. The tournament was organised by his Mummy and Daddy. His Mummy and Daddy loved him very much. They were also very rich. They made him captain of the team. The team took part in the tournament and won first prize. The tournament was called Under 5s Hide And Seek World Cup. Many teams took part in the tournament but they all lost. Only his team won. Even in his childhood, he was a child-winner. Just like he is today.”

(From Chapter 1: It Was The Best Of Times, It Was The Worst Of Times)

“One day when he was a young man, he went to town. The weather was very bad. There was heavy rain and sleet. And a blazing sun. It was also windy. But he was very determined. It was his habit not to listen to anyone, including Mother Nature. ‘I am not afraid of stormy weather. I am going to Ye Olde Annabel’s, my favourite watering hole, to meet my friends!’ he said, as he left his house. His Mummy and Daddy were worried and they huffed and they puffed, but they could not blow the house down.

‘Why are you looking so sad, Pedro?’ said his best friend Michael Jagger.‘I don’t know, Michael,’ he replied. ‘But I feel I do not belong here. I want to learn how fair-skinned people run their governments. I must go to their country and learn their ways which I can later discard at my convenience.’

‘Then go, my friend!’ said Michael. ‘Go and learn and then later discard’.”

(From Chapter 32: It Was A Dark And Stormy Night)

“After enjoying a lot of success in the land of the fair-skinned people who practised real democracy, he returned home. Mummy and Daddy welcomed him with open arms.

The Republic of Cliftonia launches the heart-rending biography of Marquess Allama Sir Pedro Cliftovar, to commemorate his 175th birth anniversary

‘We are so proud our son has returned,’ they said in unison.

’Thank you, dear parents, for providing me with financial and logistical support. I am your obedient son. I hope to serve you till the time one of us changes their mind,’ he said.”

(From Chapter 65: Where Now? Who Now? When Now?)

“Every night before he went to sleep, he would dream a dream. In his favourite dream, he would dream of founding a country named after him (just like his third cousin, once removed, Simon Bolivar) in which all his loyal subjects would show no interest whatsoever in their local teams but instead become die-hard supporters of Barca FC.

‘Dear God,’ he prayed. ‘Allow me to find a people who will make my dream come true. One day, with help from Daddy, I want to show poor people around the world who have never seen the West, how lovely life can be for me’.”

(From Chapter 97: All This Happened, More Or Less)

“After lunch of brown lamb, yellow lentils and white rice, he went and sat on the porch of the hacienda along with his Daddy and his new best friend Mullah Do Piazza. While Daddy smoked a cigar, he and Mullah sat quietly like best obedients do when sitting with elders … especially those elders who are powerful and unaccountable and bigger than you. 

‘Look at the view,’ said Daddy. ‘Can you see all that garbage beyond the walls of our 40-acre estate? I choose you both to clean up the town and instead you created even more litter. I am getting fed up with my choices!’ said Daddy angrily.

‘Sorry Daddy, but I am trying my best,’ he said. ‘I don’t have a good team. Even Mullah thinks so … Don’t you, Mullah?’ he said. But a big surprise greeted him when he turned to look at his friend. Mullah was no longer in his seat. He had run away.

‘Daddy, where did Mullah go?’ he asked his father worriedly. But when he turned to look at his father, an even bigger surprise awaited him. His Daddy had also disappeared, leaving him all alone on the porch with a view of the garbage.”

(From Chapter 143: It Was The Day My Grandmother Exploded)

Farid Alvie was born. He currently lives. He tweets @faridalvie

Published in Dawn, EOS, May 10th, 2020