Hello Auntie
What do you say to a husband who doesn’t trust his wife? My husband thinks I am involved with other people and is making life difficult for me. I have told him on several occasions that I am not cheating. But he doesn’t believe me and reacts quite strangely. Like one day, all of a sudden, he told me that he thinks I don’t love him anymore and that I am involved with someone else. This simply isn’t true. I am sick and tired of his toxic behaviour and tense questioning.

Other strange things have happened too. For instance, we had both agreed mutually not to put passwords on our mobile phones. However, recently I have noticed that he did put a password on his phone.

Please Auntie, tell me what you think of all this and more importantly, what should I do?
Tired

Dear Tired
If your husband doesn’t trust you, there could be several reasons for this. The first reason could be that you have given him grounds to not trust you. Reading your email tells me that this is probably not what happened. However, if you have broken his trust in the past, ask for forgiveness and make a real effort to show your husband that he has no reason to doubt you anymore. In this case, you should be open to showing him your social media interactions and giving him access to your phone. You should also absolutely never lie to him or leave out important pieces of information, which, by the way, also counts as lying.

‘Why doesn’t my husband trust me?’

Another possible reason for him not trusting you could be his own past experience which has nothing to do with you.  Perhaps his trust was broken in the past by a previous partner and he finds it difficult to trust anyone. In this case, the two of you need to have an honest conversation about how his insecurities are having a negative effect on your marriage. He needs to be honest with you about where his insecurities are coming from and what would make him more comfortable. With such a situation, you need to tread very carefully about what you will ‘give’. So watch out for any unreasonable requests an insecure partner might make.

For instance, if you are not guilty of infidelity, your husband should not expect you to stop being friendly with people, even those he doesn’t like. To alleviate his feelings of insecurity and to make it easier for him, you might want to invite him to accompany you when you meet someone he isn’t too crazy about. If you have a bunch of friends that you hang out with separately (ie not as a couple) do not stop hanging out with them just because your spouse is suspicious. However, be okay with him calling you while you are out with them, if it makes him feel better. Work with him and his issues and help him handle his emotions.

However, if he cannot do that, you will have to be firm with him and tell him that his suspicious behaviour has to stop. Be firm in telling him that your respect and love cannot be gained through showing anger and violence.

Another reason your spouse may be suspicious of you could be that he is cheating himself and blaming you because he himself feels guilty. He may be accusing you simply to validate his own cheating. In which case, you might want to investigate this and take important decisions about your marriage.

Auntie hopes that his insecurity is stemming from previous bad experiences and you are able to deal with it. If things get more difficult and his insecurity persists, you can seek professional help.

 Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, EOS, February 23rd, 2020