CLIFTONIA: ALL THE NEWS THAT’S FIT TO PRINT

In a bid to educate and inform the average Joe (or Aslam Khan in our case) about unfake news and provide him with a glimpse into the real world of high-quality journalism, Eos shares a selection of news stories and comments from this morning’s edition of The Times of Cliftonia, one of the region’s leading lights of fair and independent journalism:

CLIFTONIA WILL NOT ABANDON KASHMIRIS AND PALESTINIANS!

By Rebecca de Chandio, Chief Reporter
Aitchisonia-upon-Chenab, August 18: Speaking at a specially-summoned session of the parliament, national icon and hope Nazir Jr, Prime Minister and Saviour of Cliftonia, assured the country that under no circumstances (except when it so desires) will the republic ever abandon its support to the oppressed peoples of Kashmir and Palestine. He said that the people of Cliftonia, especially those who currently serve in his cabinet, have a long history of sacrifices made on behalf of the world’s downtrodden, especially those living in Monte Carlo and the Hamptons.

“As a realist and an avid imbiber of Grade 4 history textbooks, I often take comfort in the words of some Greek (or was he an Algebran? I forget) called Thucydides who said: ‘The strong do what they can and the weak suffer what they must.’ So keeping this in mind, I say ‘tough luck to the poor’ while simultaneously reiterating our unstinting support to the persecuted all over the globe. As you know, once I’ve taken a decision, I stick by it come hell or high-calibre mineral water.

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“You turn,” said the prime minister addressing the opposition benches, “if you want to but I never will! My word is my bond. If you don’t believe me, ask any selected official from the government,” he added.

THE PRESS IS FREER THAN MITHOO, SAYS INFORMATION MINISTER

By Staff Reporter
Aitchisonia-upon-Chenab, August 18: The Cliftonian press enjoys levels of freedom that can only be dreamt of by other species, including her pet parrot Mithoo, said Madam Faye Avon, Minister of State for Information and Pet-ty Diatribes. Addressing a select gathering of Cliftonian media barons, the honourable minister stated that, while anchorpersons were free to say whatever they wanted to on television (except what wasn’t allowed), her beloved Mithoo could only utter two words — Habeas and Corpus — since returning to her aviary following his sudden and unexplained disappearance a few months ago.

“Journalists roam around freely wherever they want and speak to whoever they want, but my poor Mithoo is now restricted to his cage and can only talk to birds and people I trust implicitly, such as my cook Sadiq, my driver Ameen and their prize-winning racehorse InsiderTrading.

The Cliftonian press enjoys levels of freedom that can only be dreamt of by other species, including her pet parrot Mithoo, said Madam Faye Avon, Minister of State for Information and Pet-ty Diatribes.

“I can confidently say that anyone who complains of the freedom of the press is a joker and needs to spend some time with Mithoo to understand what liberty truly means.”

DEMOLITION OF HOMES IS THE FIRST PHASE OF NEW HOUSING PROJECT FOR THE POOR

By I.M. Pei-ssed
Aitchisonia-upon-Chenab, August 18: The Mayor’s Office has commenced the demolition of houses and makeshift homes occupied by the poorest and most impoverished sections of the city. In a statement issued from his home in London, the director of the New Housing project said that this initial phase is aimed at clearing the detritus from some of the city’s most valuable land.

“Our aim is to gentrify these areas so that well-bred Cliftonians, who were afraid to leave their gated communities in the past, are able to do so with ease and visit these post-encroached lands and enjoy them in the comfort of their Gloria Jeans.”

The statement added that a donation drive to collect funds for the relocation of the homeless has already been launched, with the former chief justice of the Cliftonian Supreme Court selected as the mascot of the campaign.

OP-ED — SECURITY BEGINS AT HOME

By Brig. Babar ‘Bobby’ Niazi (forcibly retd)
In a region wracked with political uncertainty and turmoil, Cliftonia faces enormous dangers. Threats emanating from the north and the west as well as the east and the south have left us with very little room to manoeuvre. With my family comfortably ensconced in Forest Hills, Toronto, I truly know what it means to be manning the border of one’s 40-acre hilltop hacienda on one’s own. It is a tough and lonely job and yet I do it because who else knows the contours of valuable real-estate better than me? Therefore, for the sake and security of our country, I implore all patriotic Cliftonians to seek professional assistance immediately and install officially-certified security systems in their homes. It is the least we can do to keep our beloved country safe in these perilous times.