In response to demands for equality and fairness, governments across the globe are bringing in new regulations to ensure that the marginalised are provided equal status and opportunities and are given space and protection to live their lives in accordance with their wishes. Ever ahead of the game and renowned for its forward-thinking Scandinavian ways, the Republic of Cliftonia has become the first among ‘emerging markets’ to pass laws designed to provide succour to those sections of our glorious land the pseudo-liberal media inexplicably terms ‘the oppressed.’ 

Eos spoke to a few prominent Cliftonians to find out their views about the new law and what it means for the republic:

Jimmy Jirga, Minister of Haberdashery, Brunch, and Dual Nationalities; Chairman, Overseas Cliftonian Bentley-Owners Association; Special Adviser to the Hon’ble Prime Minister (Cliftonia) on the Exit Control List; Special Adviser to the Hon’ble Prime Minister (UK) on the Entry Control List.

A gift of love for women — free air

“Announcing this revolutionary new law on the national media yesterday was a true honour for me. As the brainchild of Cliftonia’s leading religious scholar, Sheikh Valentine, the new Valentine’s Day Law will come into effect on February 14 and will prove to be an enormous, all-encompassing vehicle that will impact not only the lives of our women but also improve (as a result) our physical and moral environment.

“As per Sheikh Valentine’s edict, all Cliftonians of the female gender and persuasion aged seven weeks and above will be allowed to breathe in 6.5 gulps of clean air per minute. Girls, women, ladies and females have the complete freedom to inhale these religiously-sanctioned gulps in any manner they desire … i.e., they can take all 6.5 gulps in the very beginning of the minute or stretch them out during the 60 seconds or, if they so wish, save them until the last 10 seconds and then inhale them all in one go.

As you can see, Sheikh Valentine — who is Cliftonia’s preeminent feminist — has given the nation’s women complete freedom to make their own breathing decisions. 

“Of course, since the law allows only clean air to be inhaled by women, the prime minister in his infinite wisdom has added an accompanying clause to the law — entitled the Chaar-Diwaari Clean Air Honour Clause — which makes it illegal for female women to step out of their homes. This is for their own protection as it prevents them from breathing in the outside world’s impure, polluted air. Needless to say, this step has been greatly appreciated by the republic’s male men.

“Come February 14, female girls, women, ladies and similar such will be confined to their homes, breathing in immaculate, pure, dirt-free, air and living happy, oxygenated lives. Because our government is committed to women’s empowerment, the prime minister has ordered that every house must, by law, have at least one window for the female women of the household to look out of and see the world pass by whenever they wish. Sheikh Valentine opines that this provision is an unnecessary favour bestowed upon the women by our liberal PM since almost every female woman in Cliftonia has access to National Geographic which provides a far better (and in HD) access to the outside world than any window can offer.

“Soon, Cliftonian female women will be saved from our polluted, smoggy streets and be ensconced in their hygienic rooms with 6.5 gulps per each of clean, domestic air, Inshallah.”

Cliftonia Ali, Director of the Institute for Extracurricular Warfare in aid of Global Peace & Human Rights; Editor-in-Chief of We Are Resilient (WAR) News; eminent feminist:

“I tau am ecstatic at hearing this wonderfully inqilabi [revolutionary] news! Even though to liberal-fascists this law may sound like it is a curb on women’s freedom, I truly believe that, technically, both Sheikh Valentine and our beloved prime minister are spot on. We, women, had not only had enough of breathing in all this smog but had also had enough of inhaling such large quantities of it! Now, with us being restricted to only 6.5 gulps per minute and that, too, only within the confines of our homes, we will be properly aerated at last.”

Brig. Babar ‘Bobby’ Khan Niazi (retd), Vice-Chancellor, University of Southern Cliftonia; Member of the Board, Constitution Fertilising Company Ltd:

“I have already issued a university-wide circular that on February 14, all the boys on my campus will set a new tradition by presenting their female class fellows with oxygen tanks. Since the girls will not be on campus as a result of the new law, the university will make arrangements to have the tanks delivered to their homes.

“I am certain this trend will soon catch on in many countries in our region that are committed to empowering their women and minority communities just like we are.”

Farid Alvie was born. He currently lives.
He tweets @faridalvie

Published in Dawn, EOS, February 3rd, 2019