To: Our Beloved Leader, the Light of Our Eyes, the Zephyr of Cliftonia, the Dewdrop on the Petal of Our Existence, Courage Incarnate, Righteousness Personified,
Salutations!

I hope and pray this day brings unbridled glory your way and showers you with blessings the likes of which no soul has received in history ever. 

I send this e-epistle to you today to share the magnificent bounties of my research on a subject that I know is close to your heart and of which you know more than most by virtue of your all-encompassing knowledge and deep insight. As you must have guessed, O! Wise One, I speak of the press … of journalists … of this satanic business they call the news. My extensive study has brought forth gems from across time and space which lend credence to how we — as a political party and as the government — feel about this trade and those who indulge in it.

An open letter to Cliftonia’s Beloved Leader, provides evidence that his instinct against the news media has worthy precedents

I was surprised to find that we — and the glorious ones with whom we have the honour of being on the same page — are not the only ones who find these people utterly vile. Many a world leader and sage has also felt that a free press is the ultimate nuisance and has expressed nothing but disdain for this vocation and its practitioners.

I share below, Beloved Leader, a few examples from around the world (and from times past and present) wherein you will see how other charismatic politicians (none as charismatic as you, of course!) have conveyed their contempt and scorn for these creatures. Granted some of the names might not be popular among pseudo-liberals, but then what do they know. I promise you upon my life that those quoted below are known for their forthrightness … for telling it like it is! But most importantly, none of them was/is known for being corrupt.

Consider:

Il Duce, Italy’s Benito Mussolini, once said: “The press of Italy is free, freer than the press of any other country, so long as it supports the regime.” Never a truer word spoken, won’t you agree? His contemporary, a man called Adolf Hitler, wrote: “It is the press, above all, which wages a positively fanatical and slanderous struggle, tearing down everything which can be regarded as a support of national independence, cultural elevation, and the economic independence of the nation.” Seeing as how our media behaves, who can argue with that contention?

The US President Donald Trump, even before he moved into the White House, had the right measure of this species when he said: “I would never kill them but I do hate them. And some of them are such lying, disgusting people.” After assuming office, he tweeted: “The FAKE NEWS news media (failing @nytimes, @CNN, @NBCNews and many more) is not my enemy, it is the enemy of the American people.” And followed that with “THE FAKE NEWS MEDIA IS THE OPPOSITION PARTY. It is very bad for our Great Country. … BUT WE ARE WINNING!” As you will agree, the eloquence is breathtaking!

Rodrigo Duterte, the President of the Philippines, once said: “Just because you’re a journalist, you are not exempted from assassination if you’re a son of a b***h.” The impact such provocative statements from political leaders can have on their followers was demonstrated when a female journalist in Brazil was set upon by two knife-wielding supporters of that country’s newly elected right-wing President Jair Bolsonaro. Grabbing her T-shirt, one of the attackers threatened her with the words: “When my commander wins the election, you lot in the press will die.”

And then there are world leaders such as Russia’s Vladimir Putin who, in an interview to journalist Alexei Venediktov, remarked: “You know, Alexei, you are not a traitor. You are an enemy.” Or President Recep Erdogan of Turkey who, targeting the Cumhuriyet newspaper, stated: “The person who wrote this story will pay a heavy price for it; I won’t let him go unpunished.” Or close to home, in neighbouring Pakistan, the honest General Zia, during whose corruption-free reign journalists were publicly lashed (for the first time in the history of the subcontinent).

So you see, O! Font of All Wisdom, history proves that your instincts are not misplaced. Even though you are unique and, therefore, cannot be compared to any who have preceded you in the field of politics, you stand among some of the greatest right-wing strongmen the world has ever known. Along with our uniformed saviours, each and every one of your devoted followers should feel proud of (and responsible for) this glorious distinction!

Forever in awe of your team selection abilities,

I remain,
Obediently Yours,
Jimmy Jirga

Special Assistant to The Glorious Leader on Haberdashery, Brunch and Other Extra Curricular Activities, with the status of Minister of State.

Farid Alvie was born. He currently lives.
He tweets @faridalvie

Published in Dawn, EOS, November 11th, 2018