Throughout history, Cliftonians, as the primary keepers of a society’s conscience, have always sided with the rule of law. In times of conflicts and seemingly insurmountable challenges, this class, no matter what its geography, ethnicity, religion, or culture, has single-handedly held aloft the torch of justice and truth. It has stood courageously for these very principles, cocking a snook at the perils its bravery has often invited. Known for its humility, this multibillionaire middle class has always fought against the status quo as long as it isn’t their status that is being quoed.

In his ground-breaking new book, Déjà vu: Cliftonian Stands Through The Ages, renowned Cliftonian intellectual, former hedge-fund manager, and pretend tribal leader Jimmy Jirga takes a comprehensive look at history to highlight the important role Cliftonians have played.

“Last year, I was asked by the University of Southern Cliftonia (USC), one of the finest online universities in the world, to work on this book,” said Mr Jirga, speaking to Eos at Aitchisonia’s popular cafe, Ample Bottoms.

“When requested, I wasn’t sure if I could take on such an awesome task. I was working as an anchorperson at Speak! TV while simultaneously running the postgraduate programme at the USC, our sister concern. I thought long and hard about it. The project was of such vital importance to our history that I agreed to do it. I wanted to record for the younger generation, the incredible sacrifices our elders had made to create this wondrously just and equitable world,” he added.

“In the book, I have presented numerous historical events in which our forefathers played a central part in siding with the underdog. I was amazed to see the consistency with which they had chosen sides throughout millennia. Let me illustrate my point with a few examples.

“Did you, for instance, know that our elders were at the forefront of protecting Greek values and traditions at a trial that has now become one of the most famous in history because of us?They saved the polity’s youth, its beliefs and their own well-sculpted Greek posteriors when they brought a dangerous old man by the name of Socrates to stand trial for infecting society with vile, disrespectful, pseudo-liberal ideas that were certain to lead to its destruction if left unchecked. Now, millennia later, their names are written in golden letters in history books across the world.while no one even remembers the name Socrates.

In the 10th century, in a small town of little consequence called Baghdad, our ancestors brought charges against a man by the name of Mansur Al Hallaj. This man was a blasphemer and a pretend-believer whose utterances shocked true liberals, such as our Cliftonian ancestors, to their very core!

“As part of my research, I found another obscure but pertinent example where we stood on the right side of morality and truth. In the 10th century, in a small town of little consequence called Baghdad, our ancestors brought charges against a man by the name of Mansur Al Hallaj. This man was a blasphemer and a pretend-believer whose utterances shocked true liberals, such as our Cliftonian ancestors, to their very core! Siding with the underdog authorities once again, our elders played their due role in nipping such religiously and politically seditious, liberal fascist thinking in the bud.

“Again, who has even heard of Al Hallaj? No one. And yet the name of our ancestors, who stood like a bulwark against this man’s dangerous ideas, is on the lips of every dual-national child from Cliftonia to Canada! Songs are sung about their valour, poems composed of their sacrifice and their wisdom. By the grace of God, we have always been on the right side of history.

“But what of South Asia, I hear you ask? Didn’t our ancestors play a role in helping counter the spread of extreme pseudo fascist liberalism here? Indeed they did. My extensive Wikipedia research led me to an unknown grave in Delhi.

“In the year of our Lord 1661, the court of Aurangzeb, one of our ancestors’ favourite kings, sentenced to death an individual named Sarmad. He was a man so far removed from anything that we, as a devout, pious middle class could ever countenance, that we rallied behind our glorious Moghul and had Sarmad beheaded before he could spread his utterly blasphemous, truly scandalous, unbearably liberal concept of true love amongst our own. With an Armenian-Jewish background and a devoted Hindu disciple, our elders knew exactly what lobbies had collaborated to send this Sarmad to spread discord in our land.

“The Cliftonian resolve proved firmer than anyone could have imagined. And today, no one even knows the name of Sarmad while the heroic names of our ancestors shine throughout the universe as the harbingers of true Aurangzebian liberalism.

“Today when I see these pseudo libidos claim victimhood, I feel sorry for them for I know whose side history will be on. If it weren’t for the conscience of our ancestors, this world would have been a different place altogether,” Mr Jirga concluded proudly.

Farid Alvie was born. He currently lives.
He tweets @faridalvie

Published in Dawn, EOS, September 1st, 2017