Indo-Pak relations: Saazish and saalan

Published March 9, 2014
Illustration by Abro.
Illustration by Abro.

India and Pakistan have a complicated history. Well, at least that’s what their individual relationship statuses say on Facebook: ‘It’s complicated’.

These two countries simultaneously became independent from Britain after insisting that there was no such thing as chicken tikka masala.

When the British partitioned India, it was supposed to be divided into two parts (leg piece and breast piece). The Muslim majority areas were to become Pakistan and the rest of the territory India.

This arrangement did not include the ‘Princely States’, mainly because the princes there thought they were still living in 12th Century Constantinople.

The Maharaja of Kashmir, Curry Singh Dogra, decided to preserve the state of Kashmir so he decided to join neither India nor Pakistan — instead he decided to join a local polo club that also held invigorating bingo nights every weekend.

However, Pakistan sent tribal lashkars to persuade the Maharaja (at gunpoint) to join Pakistan. It’s remarkable that such a meeting took place because the lashkar men spoke Pashto and the Maharaja spoke Hindi and a bit of Japanese.

The Indian government saw Pakistan’s action as a sign of invasion and sent troops to help defend the state of Kashmir. The result of the first war between India and Pakistan involving Kashmir was Pakistan controlling 37pc, while India controlling 63pc of the territory. However, the Kashmiris controlled none. Zilch.

The Maharaja protested, but to no avail. Oddly, he decided to word his protest in Japanese — so much so that at one point even Japan began claiming sovereignty over Kashmir. It only backed out when some Kashmiris began calling Sushi, Sushi Masala. The Japanese were livid.

Three more wars occurred between Pakistan and India. One of the wars was in 1965 when fighting broke out in the Rann of Kutch, a sparsely inhabited region along the Pakistan-India border.

The British had called this area Leg of Lamb. In August, fighting spread from Leg of Lamb to Kashmir to the Punjab and then all the way to Honolulu in Hawaii.

Indian Prime Minister Shri Lal Bahadur Shastri Shri Shri Bang Bang of India and President Field Air Water Marshal Kublai Khan of Pakistan met at a Russian Vodka-making outlet in Tashkent in the former Soviet Union in January 1966.

Both men after enjoying a libation or two and a game of scrabble, signed an agreement pledging continued negotiations and respect for the cease-fire conditions.

Indo-Pakistan relations deteriorated again when civil war erupted in Pakistan, pitting the beef-munching West Pakistan against the fish-eating East Pakistanis, who were demanding greater autonomy and more gravy. When Pakistan attacked Indian airfields (and Japanese restaurants) in Kashmir, India attacked both East and West Pakistan (after it could not figure out where on earth North and South Pakistan were).

India occupied East Pakistan which declared its independence as the United Fish Loving Republic of Bangladesh, on Dec. 6, 1971.

Under great pressure from US, USSR and Dilip Kumar, a UN brokered cease-fire was arranged in mid-December, after Pakistan's defeat — mainly due to Zionist, Hindu and Zoroastrian agents operating within Pakistan’s gallant, unbeatable, glorious, enterprising, fit and very muscular army.

After the war, Chairman Zulfikar Tse Tung emerged as leader of Pakistan.

Tensions between Pakistan and India were alleviated by the historic Bogotá Accord of 1972 and by Pakistan’s recognition of Bangladesh (and fish masala) in 1974.

But tensions between India (now called the Republic of Indira Gandhi) and whatever was left of Pakistan (now called the Islamic Republic of Whatever Was Left of Pakistan) periodically recurred.

In the early 1980s, the threat of yet another useless war between the two poverty-stricken countries began looming again when the Republic of Indira Gandhi accused the Islamic Republic of Whatever Was Left of Pakistan of funding the Buddhist insurgency in Indian Punjab.

To defuse the tension, Pakistan’s greatest leader ever, ever, ever and after ever forever after ever (and then some), General Ziaul Bin Qasim, indulged in some ‘cricket diplomacy’ by sending Indian prime minister, Rajiv Gandhi, a gift of some of the finest crickets found in the bushes of the Rann of Kutch.

Rajiv reciprocated the gesture by sending Zia — a well-known beef lover — a video of fat cows roaming aimlessly in the streets of New Delhi.

Tensions between the two countries remained defused throughout the 1990s even when both the skinny poverty-stricken countries tested their respective nuclear bombs in 1998.

In fact, Pakistani prime minister and ameerul momineen wannabe, Mian Nawaz Brief, actually invited his Indian counterpart, Utter Bihari Vajpayee, to visit Lahore for lunch.

Utter Bihari accepted the invitation but Pakistan’s largest, greatest, bravest, bestest, most amazing Islamic party in the whole wide world (and imaginary caliphate), the Jamaat-i-Islami, criticised Nawaz for trying to befriend Hindus (and thus give up beef).

Jamaat chief, Saladin bin jalebi, said: “Today we have sold out the Islamic Disputed Territory of Kashmir to Hindu vegetarians and American imperialists. By God, had my sons not been performing jihad by running their retail stores in the United States, they would have gone to Kashmir and liberated it. That’ll be $4.75, please. Bing!”

But the Nawaz-led peace initiative turned out to be short-lived. In July 1999, Pakistan and India went to war again. Called the Kargil War, there were three major phases to the conflict.

First, Pakistan infiltrated its forces into the Indian-controlled section of Kashmir and occupied strategic locations, such as tree tops, the insides of mail boxes and the back seats of the area’s main cinemas.

The next stage consisted of India discovering the infiltration (with the help of a Japanese spies posing as a Sushi Masala experts).

The final stage involved major battles that resulted in India recapturing some territory held by Pakistani forces and the subsequent withdrawal of Pakistani forces back across the so-called ‘Line of Control’ (also called Control ki Lakeer).

Pakistan soon sought American help in de-escalating the conflict. Pakistan’s brave army chief, General Papa Musharraf, wanted to fight on, but as usual, it was Pakistan’s sissy civilian leadership that chickened out.

However, US President and renowned saxophonist, Bill Groovy Clinton, refused to intervene until Pakistan had removed all forces from the Indian side of the Line of Control.

Talking on phone to the Pakistani prime mister, Bill said: “I am sorry, Nawaz, but we will not be able to intervene unless you ask your general to withdraw back to the Control ki Lakeer.”

Nawaz Brief was livid when he found out that his army chief, General Papa Musharraf, had kept him in the dark about the war. Papa blamed Nawaz for Pakistan’s defeat that was explained as a victory to the people but a defeat to Nawaz but a victory to the media but a draw to the army but a victory to the jihadis but a defeat to the Americans but a something-or-the-other to Somalia. Somalia was understandably livid.

The world suddenly came alive to the possibility of the two poverty-stricken nuclear nations going to war with their nuclear weapons. Scandinavian countries even suggested to the UN that both India and Pakistan be shifted to the North Pole. Somalia agreed. Understandably.

The nature of the Indo-Pak relations has somewhat changed ever since the 9/11 episode in which Mossad and CIA agents staged a devastating attack on the Twin Towers in Middle Earth and blamed it on a couple of pious Muslims pondering over how to derive electricity from djinns.

Many believe India does not pose a threat to Pakistan and vice versa. But whereas this has left some Indian generals feeling kinda bored and all, some Pakistani generals, officers and TV anchors think this is yet another Mossad and CIA conspiracy.

They think those preaching peace between India and Pakistan are trying to sell-out Kashmir and should be labelled as traitors. This move, they strongly feel, will take the masla out of the masala.



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