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An idiot’s guide

May 05, 2013

There’s a very fine line between the cool and the uncool when it comes to attending fashion’s day out aka fashion weeks. The following set of rules have been drafted after taking into keen consideration the conduct of many a seasoned fashionista, and sadly still-wet-behind-the-ears amateurs who have ultimately ended up getting the raw end of the fashion bargain, writes Faisal Quraishi.

Never turn up at a fashion event expecting to know exactly how to respond to a particular designer’s collection. The term ‘politically correct’ is nothing short of religion here.

If you think fashion is entertainment and show as much, be prepared to get bored and booed like you’ve never been before.

The front-row crowd comprising celebrities will maintain a passive facial expression even if you make faces at them from across the ramp to elicit some kind of response or show signs of life.

That one model you wish would trip on her heels to prove you right probably never will, or probably will when you’re looking in the opposite direction and least expect it.

When a model loses her posture and stumbles, you’re the only one to point at her and laugh your head off while everybody else in the room looks at you with disdain and contempt. Again, that’s not cool behaviour.

No, the ramp is not made of tables with their legs tied together so stop trying to take a peek underneath.

The music is supposed to be loud and racy during presentations most of the time so deal with it and get your fingers out of your ears.

Anything shed off or left behind on the ramp by a model does not mean it’s public property (read booty), so stop trying to climb on to the ramp during or even after the show to snap it up.

Free giveaways are not meant for you if they are not on your seat. Stealing other people’s things will only get you into trouble with the management and cause a lot of embarrassment.

Frantically waving to the models or trying to attract her attention during a show will not gain you the advantage of letting people know she knows you, you exist or that she’s your neighbour… get a life, man!

When the crowd gets up to leave, do not even think about swimming upstream like a trout against the flow, or you’ll simply be trampled into a pulpy mass.

Arriving fashionably late will only get you the worst, leftover seats in the house every single time.

Talking loudly on your mobilephone takes the crowds’ attention away from the ramp and to your conversation with your maid about her not being paid enough to wash your dirty underwear.

Even if you have seen a cheaper version of the same designer outfit hanging from a clothes’ hangar at a footpath on Tariq Road, keep it to yourself and not the person sitting next to you in the aisle… he just might be the designer’s butch boyfriend.

Trying to look up a dress or wishing aloud for a wardrobe malfunction will certainly not earn you the respect of those around you — even if you insist that you were ‘just kidding’ for damage control.

Learning to evaluate designer’s collections and getting to know the good from the bad are essential tricks of the trade — even if you think it’s just more of the same ol’stuff — which it probably is!

Yes, all the female models look alike and no, it’s not the same girl making the rounds over and over again no matter how much money you bet on it with the guy sitting next to you.

Turning up in a three-piece suit with a tie at a fashion blitz is never the good idea it might seem to be at first.

Never try to ask a model for her autograph by sneaking backstage into the area labelled ‘changing rooms’ during a show. Her scream might be the last thing you’ll hear before you have the living daylights smacked out of you by security.

Trying to enter without an invite by latching on to some VVIP’s sleeve will still get you kicked out of the venue and onto the street which is probably where you belong in the first place.