Dear Auntie,
I am a 16-year-old girl who has one younger sister. For almost a year now I have had the feeling that my mother is talking to someone behind my father’s back. My parents are fighting a lot and I always feel that my mother starts the fights. I think that my father tries too hard to be good to my mother, but she finds fault with everything he does. My father is a good man and really loves my mother, but things are going from bad to worse with them.

I have caught my mother talking on the phone a few times and I tried not to think about it, but I can’t help thinking that something is up. I even asked her what she was doing but she denied everything. I want to tell my father about this, because what is happening is not fair on him. He has no idea what my mother is doing. I don’t know what to tell my father. What should I do? Troubled child

Dear Child,
Maybe your father does not see what is happening. A lot of people are so earnest that they feel that if they are faithful to their partner, the same is true of their partner. He is clearly oblivious to your mother’s actions. It is unfortunate that you are growing up in such a troubled household — one in which the parents are holding on just to save face, probably because they don’t want the stigma of divorce to mar their lives and their children’s future. They do this without realising that their children are smart enough to see what is happening. In situations such as these, it is difficult to decide whether it is better to acquiesce to social pressures and continue to live together under unbearable circumstances or to be true to oneself, thumb your nose at the world and part ways.

You are an intelligent girl and can see the inherent hypocrisy in your parent’s decision to stick it out. If your parents think that their actions are not having an impact on you and that by staying together they are saving everyone from trauma they are deceiving themselves. What is happening between them is having an impact on you, indeed. For starters you have lost respect for your mother. Your parents need to be reminded that their children are picking up important life lessons from them all the time. And what are they teaching you? That it’s better to live a lie and mess with everyone’s head than tell the world the truth about your marriage and end it.

You need to sit down with your parents and tell them these things and see where it leads. As for you, think carefully about what you want to learn from your parents relationships and whether living a lie is worth it.

Hi Auntie,
While marrying my aunt’s (khala’s) daughter I put purity and sincerity at the top. Since we were not very close as cousins, it took us some time to understand each other and I also had to face some behavioural issues from her end which I took very lightly at the beginning. I thought these were normal things for a 23-24 years young girl and hoped that things would settle with time. I am an open and social person.

Just after a few days of marriage though, things started changing rapidly and in just two months the real face of my in-laws and wife was revealed. My family’s good things were taken for granted while her family picked some petty matters regarding us and started discussing it with the whole family. They called a family meeting where every tiny detail was discussed and my mother and I were humiliated in front of 10-12 family members.

My wife’s family eventually took her with them and are now expecting me to apologise and take her back home. On the other hand I feel that these people took advantage of our simplicity and we were befooled. I will not be able to accept this kind of behaviour in future as well. Please guide me about what to do now before there is no option, except to live a miserable life with lot of misunderstandings.
Stumped

Dear Husband,
You are not clearly stating the exact events that occurred which compelled your wife to leave. You also don’t elaborate on what exactly she was reporting to her parents. What may have seemed like trivial issues to you and your family, may have appeared very serious issues to her.

However, if one reads between the lines, if your in-laws are okay with their daughter going back to you post-apology, whatever they are accusing you of is, probably, still bearable for them. The other thing in your letter that made Auntie’s radar’s go off is the family meeting your in-laws called. Your public humiliation is just not justifiable and should cause alarm bells to ring in your head, because it seems to be the way your wife’s family operates. If your wife has grown up in a family that thrives on creating drama, she probably doesn’t even realise that in a civilised world, this is just immature and wrong.

As a last-ditch effort, suggest to your wife that both of you go for marriage counselling. If that does not work, at least you will know that you tried to save your marriage before moving on.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to auntieagni@gmail.com