[Scene: A corporate meeting room. Two large screens at either end of the room display news programmes. An enormous company logo that reads Hard Truth Media Inc. adorns the main wall.
Wisenheimer and Wiseacre sit with their eyes glued to their respective smartphones.]
Wisenheimer: Did you hear what the Doland said?
Wiseacre: No. Shall I repost it?
Wisenheimer: Repost what?
Wiseacre: What the Doland said.
Wisenheimer: But you don’t even know what he said.
Wiseacre: Yes, but it’s the Doland.
Wisenheimer: So?
Wiseacre: Exactly. What does it matter.
Wisenheimer: Hmmm…
Wiseacre: Whatever he said must have some truth in it. It usually does. My friend who is a neurologist at Aitchisonia General Hospital says he knew the Doland would say something shocking last night because his – the Doland’s, not my friend’s – son-in-law was seen outside The Blue Iceberg that afternoon.
Wisenheimer: What does that mean?
Wiseacre: For someone who owns an independent, investigative journalism-focused media company that has a podcast with one of the highest ratings among Cliftonians, you really need to spend more time on your smartphone.
What do chartered accountants, retired marketing executives, podcasters and ‘the Doland’ have in common? In the Republic of Cliftonia, they are all qualified geopolitical analysts
Wisenheimer: What do you think I pay you for? If it weren’t for me, you’d still be working as a chartered accountant in Singapore. Be grateful I saved you… Only I could see your potential as a hard-hitting investigative editor.
Wiseacre: That’s true. That’s why I always say chartered accountants make the best journalists.
Wisenheimer: Yes. And also, businessmen.
Wiseacre: And investment bankers.
Wisenheimer: And doctors.
Wiseacre: And actors.
Wisenheimer: And retired armed forces personnel… people who actually know what’s what, not like some namby-pamby old school print journos.
Wiseacre: Precisely.
Wisenheimer: So, you were saying the son-in-law was at The Blue Iceberg?
Wiseacre: He was seen there. The Blue Iceberg, as you know, is owned by the third cousin once removed of the former Maharajah of Disneypur, who was the adopted son of the Zionist Albert Herzl, nephew of Theodor.
Wisenheimer: O-M-G! That means the Doland will definitely give the go-ahead now… it’s all about the enriched trapezium stocks. His latest statement makes sense now. Share his post and schedule a podcast with Jeremy Achakzai Jones, the retired marketing director of Toys Aren’t Us.
Wiseacre: Excellent idea. Jeremy turns 26 this Tuesday and knows all there is to know about history, politics and what makes women inherently unsuitable as leaders.
Wisenheimer: His father has just been nominated as Cliftonia’s ambassador to Vietnam, so that makes Jeremy doubly qualified to talk about how AI will impact the Greenland Dog community of Aitchisonia-upon-Chenab.
Wiseacre: That sounds fantastic! You just keep coming up with brilliant editorial insights. You should’ve been a journalist and not a multimillionaire businessman.
Wisenheimer: Is there a difference between the two? Hahahaha!
Wiseacre: Hahahahaha!
Wisenheimer: LMAO!
Wiseacre: LOL!
Wisenheimer: The new world order is upon us, my friend, so it is imperative that we come up with new rules for what passes off as journalism today. For a start, I think we should do away with the term journalism entirely. Journalism is dead. Podcasting is alive and kicking. Plus, it isn’t bound by silly rules and notions of verification and veracity.
Wiseacre: Vera who? City what? Hahahaha!
Wisenheimer: Hahahaha!
Wiseacre: The Doland never verifies, and he doesn’t need to either. The last investigative report we did on our podcast was all about how he knows what others don’t because he knows more about others than others do about themselves. He epitomises us Cliftonians perfectly. That’s because he isn’t afraid to publicly claim that he knows everything. Just like us.
Wisenheimer: He is a rockstar and a half! A man’s man. My ultimate wish is to feature him on our podcast.
Wiseacre: I think I can arrange that for you in the near future.
Wisenheimer: Are you serious?
Wiseacre: For sure. You do know that the energy markets in Ulan Bator are run by a secret cartel that is headed by a Nigerian homoeopath, right? My brother’s old college roommate, Jeff Koslowski, runs a hedge fund in Kowloon. His former partner is the Nigerian dude’s brother’s neighbour in West Lagos. He told Jeff that during Covid-19, 230 million dollars worth of Vitamin-C laced with anti-freeze was shipped in secret containers to the home of RFK Jr, from whence it made its way to the top echelons of the Democratic Party. RFK sold it personally to Obama, who shared his stock with the royal families of Botswana and Belgium.
Wisenheimer: No way! And we know it has to be true because RFK never lies… even when totally high.
Wiseacre: Exactly. And you know what brings it all back full circle to where we are now? The Nigerian homoeopath’s brother’s neighbour is also… wait for it… the Maharajah of Disenypur’s secret partner in The Blue Iceberg!
Wisenheimer: Jesus Aitch-isonia! It all makes sense now.
Wiseacre: I know! I wish we did, too.
[The curtain falls.]
Farid Alvie was born. He currently lives.
He’s on Instagram @faridalvie
Published in Dawn, EOS, May 17th, 2026